I Got This…
By Jennifer Young
The focus of this series of articles has been your Super Traits. The Super Traits are your temperament and character traits that are powerful components of who you are which carry positive and negative consequences. The power that you have over these traits comes in the form of awareness. Your first task is to acknowledge them and address the areas in your life of which they put you at risk. The second task is to use these traits to your advantage.
Thomas Jefferson said, "Never trouble another for what you can do yourself." I think we can agree that these words are true for most of us, and a great way to live your life. But, they could not be more inaccurate when talking about a psychopath – in fact they probably see these words and think…"suckers." The truth is, psychopaths are amazingly resourceful, and their greatest tool for being resourceful is you.
Resourcefulness by definition means that you are able to meet the needs of a situation and can develop the necessary means to accomplish a task. Being resourceful is a highly valuable trait, so consequently those who are very high in the trait of resourcefulness (like women who have been in relationships with psychopaths) often have very successful lives…great careers, wonderful children, and a great circle of friends.
You are often the person that:
• Others turn to in a time of need or struggle
• Are able to find ways to get things done that others might have thought impossible
• Find resources where there were none
• Get help when others were turned down
• Can rally any number of people to the cause
Most importantly, you have a great combination of inner and outer resources. Your inner resource examples are creativity, intelligence, confidence, courage, or passion. Your outer resources are people, money, or technology. When used together – you can accomplish anything.
It is important to realize there is a difference in the resourcefulness of you and the resourcefulness of a psychopath. The psychopath is resourceful off the backs of others. The word that comes to mind is "exploitive."
Thomas Jefferson's words would be twisted into something like this – "Never do for yourself what you can convince others to do for you." In this way of pathological thinking, the psychopath's view is a negative use of a positive trait. You can easily be fooled into believing that your psychopath is so "resourceful" because he always seems to get things done. If you stop and become an observer, you will see that there is a trail of destruction behind every step he takes. Resourcefulness is part of his mask, so even you (as one of his resources) will be used as the mask. As Sandra says, "He is sicker than you are smart." So, no matter how smart you are in using your resources, his resources of exploitation and diabolical behavior is stronger. This exploitive and diabolical use of resources wins every time.
Herein lies the risk: You will use all of your resources trying to "fix" or "help" him. You've got the resources to do it – the connections, the know-how – and in most cases, the means to fix things. Add to your resourcefulness a little bit of oxytocin, and you're toast. That's because we are compelled, as humans, to bond with those we love. Oxytocin does that for us because as humans we need to be bonded to others. Part of bonding and maintaining a lasting relationship is being resourceful together – "I'll help you, you help me." The problem is this is a perfect fit for a psychopath, because they view the world as "suckers." In most cases they are energy exploiters and look for others to do their work, or they exploit because it's fun to watch others do what they have directed them to do.
So now, you have created a cycle – he's broken, you fix, he says thank you, then he breaks again, you fix, he says thank you, and so on. This cycle is one of the reasons you stay so long, because you are always in between him "breaking" and you "fixing." He never fixes himself – but you are on a mission – "I love him, and this what you do for someone you love." So, years have passed, nothing has changed with him, but you are completely exhausted. Your resources are tapped out. You have no more creativity, you feel dumb (nothing has worked), have no confidence, and your courage has turned to fear. Those outer resources are probably gone too – the money, the friends – all of it.
But herein lies YOUR benefit: Your resourcefulness can become a real problem for a psychopath, and isn't that what you want about now? When you are ready you will, and can, outthink him. What I know is that "he is sicker than you are smart," BUT only until you get smart.
You have the ability to be confident enough to make real changes. Let's face it, you have been courageous for a big piece of your life – you've been with a pathological partner, and that takes a form of courage. So, those internal RESOURCES are exactly what is needed THAT CAN BE USED FOR GETTING AWAY.
How do those resources look in action?
• You will call everyone you know to get the truth and get help.
• You will call ex's, you will tap phones, and you will search computers.
• You will put the pieces together, stop doing for him and begin to do for yourself.
Once that final pathological event happens that produces eyes-wide-open reality, it will be your resourcefulness that lifts you out and moves you on. Not sure your traits can hang on long enough to be a benefit for you? The good news is your traits are hard-wired in you. They are not going away. So even though at the end of the relationship it feels as if he has drained you and your resources are depleted…he has not. Your ability to be resourceful is still there because it has always been one of your strongest traits.
You can begin by accessing your internal resources. Strengthen them by exercising your creativity, by challenging yourself and taking those steps to live pathology-free, and by massaging your courageousness. While you're at it, you can also engage your external resources by reaching out to old friends and co-workers, re-engage at work (to build up your financial resources), or stepping out and doing something you've always dreamed about.
My favorite idea for the rebuilding of resourcefulness is reaching out to those friends and family who always told you he was the problem. You can bring them back to you as a supporter by telling them they were right. If an old friend or distant family member was once a valuable resource, then humble yourself, call them and tell them your story, and get your resource back. Step by step you will begin grabbing hold of one of your best traits – your own resourcefulness to rebuild your life.
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
What We Believe About Pathology and Relational Health
"Some of the most disturbing realities are not that pathology exists, but that so little public pathology education for the general public exists."
-Sandra L. Brown, M.A., The Institute
The Problem of the Unrecognized Face of Pathology
We live in an age where 'Positive Psychology' has ingrained a mantra into society's psyche – which is:
If you think it
(i.e., the narcissist/psychopath needs to change his behavior)
Then you can make it happen
(i.e., your relationship will be successful when he changes)
That may be true when you are with a person who has normal psychology. But it's a long way from being true for those who have pathology.
For many years, people have thought that if they focused hard enough, loved long enough, tolerated more, and carried a positive attitude, their partner would somehow become unaffected by the personality disorder – even the psychopathy they bore. People believed this because they were often told this by professionals – all under the guises of different therapy approaches and theories.
For years, people who had gone through traditional forms of couples counseling came to us bearing the scars from not only the pathology in their partner who abused them, but by the wrong application of couples counseling therapy. When there was the pathology of having no conscience, no lack of remorse, impaired insight, or low impulse control in a partner – traditional forms of counseling proved unsuccessful. What occurred were often techniques in Mirroring, Love Languages, Communication Building, Intimacy, or Spiritual Reflecting for a partner who had no insight and lacked empathy for what his partner had experienced. Equally prevalent, were ideologies that 'the pathological came into my life to heal me,' or 'this is a spiritual manifestation for me to grow by,' or 'he is in my life to heal my issues from early childhood.'
Equally damaging, lack of public information often occurs through women's organizations that lumps problem behavior in one category (abuser) and leave the impairment of pathology out of the equation. People are then forced to conform to theories that do not fit their dynamics in order to get help, and miss the crucial ability to understand which disorders hold hope for change, and which do not.
There is emotional, physical, and relational danger in applying pop psychology principles to something as aberrant as pathology. Trying to 'attract' the 'positive' to the relationship so the pathology is transformed leaves people ignoring the traits of pathology that can seriously harm them. It is no wonder we are not further ahead in being able to spot abnormal psychology in others and avoid it.
The truth is, nothing impacts non-pathological people as much as being in a relationship with someone who is pathological. Add to that the lack of understanding of how pathology manifests in relationships, and the manipulative behavior of those with pathology – and you have partners, families, and children who are devastated almost as much by the lack of information, as by the destruction that happens at the hands of the pathological. Without the education of 'what' the disorder is, 'how' it came to be, 'whom' it effects, and 'why' it harms others – partners, families, and children live in the shadows of unspoken confusion and pain. This also bleeds over to family court, mediators, social workers, and judges who also do not recognize pathology, or care to understand it, leaving cases in limbo and in danger labeled as 'contentious' or 'high conflict.'
Many who have found The Institute's programs and products have said, 'This is the first time anyone has ever explained this to me in a way I could understand.' I have seen that when people finally found information that described their partner's pathology, the awareness often gave way to crying, and then to anger. It was the information they wanted that was out there all along, but was not easy to find, or was sometimes not easy to understand or explained in layman's terms. Equally as frustrating is such poor and inaccurate training generated out of generic approaches to pathology in graduate schools which leaves professionals with the inability to spot pathology in others, and a total loss about how to treat the survivors. Consequently, the mental health field has done little to train the public about what pathology is, the limitation of wellness it implies, and what it looks and acts like in relationships, because they themselves do not know.
The efforts of The Institute are to bridge the gap in public pathology education to both survivors and treatment providers. One of our bridges in public pathology education is for survivors and is achieved by providing the best and most up-to-date recovery options for their unique aftermath symptoms. The second bridge is our approaches for victim service providers in the fields of mental health, criminal justice, nursing/medical, pastoral, addiction, and law enforcement. Our products for service providers, as well as our face-to-face trainings, have equipped professionals in many fields from many countries with the tools they need to help heal the aftermath of pathological love relationships.
An M.D. said to me recently, 'I consider pathology and it's untaught concepts to be the number one health crisis in this country.'
We couldn't agree more. We hope that the work of the many professionals who are involved with The Institute will be the part of the solution to the unrecognized face of pathology and it's victims.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Sandra L. Brown, M.A., The Institute
The Problem of the Unrecognized Face of Pathology
We live in an age where 'Positive Psychology' has ingrained a mantra into society's psyche – which is:
If you think it
(i.e., the narcissist/psychopath needs to change his behavior)
Then you can make it happen
(i.e., your relationship will be successful when he changes)
That may be true when you are with a person who has normal psychology. But it's a long way from being true for those who have pathology.
For many years, people have thought that if they focused hard enough, loved long enough, tolerated more, and carried a positive attitude, their partner would somehow become unaffected by the personality disorder – even the psychopathy they bore. People believed this because they were often told this by professionals – all under the guises of different therapy approaches and theories.
For years, people who had gone through traditional forms of couples counseling came to us bearing the scars from not only the pathology in their partner who abused them, but by the wrong application of couples counseling therapy. When there was the pathology of having no conscience, no lack of remorse, impaired insight, or low impulse control in a partner – traditional forms of counseling proved unsuccessful. What occurred were often techniques in Mirroring, Love Languages, Communication Building, Intimacy, or Spiritual Reflecting for a partner who had no insight and lacked empathy for what his partner had experienced. Equally prevalent, were ideologies that 'the pathological came into my life to heal me,' or 'this is a spiritual manifestation for me to grow by,' or 'he is in my life to heal my issues from early childhood.'
Equally damaging, lack of public information often occurs through women's organizations that lumps problem behavior in one category (abuser) and leave the impairment of pathology out of the equation. People are then forced to conform to theories that do not fit their dynamics in order to get help, and miss the crucial ability to understand which disorders hold hope for change, and which do not.
There is emotional, physical, and relational danger in applying pop psychology principles to something as aberrant as pathology. Trying to 'attract' the 'positive' to the relationship so the pathology is transformed leaves people ignoring the traits of pathology that can seriously harm them. It is no wonder we are not further ahead in being able to spot abnormal psychology in others and avoid it.
The truth is, nothing impacts non-pathological people as much as being in a relationship with someone who is pathological. Add to that the lack of understanding of how pathology manifests in relationships, and the manipulative behavior of those with pathology – and you have partners, families, and children who are devastated almost as much by the lack of information, as by the destruction that happens at the hands of the pathological. Without the education of 'what' the disorder is, 'how' it came to be, 'whom' it effects, and 'why' it harms others – partners, families, and children live in the shadows of unspoken confusion and pain. This also bleeds over to family court, mediators, social workers, and judges who also do not recognize pathology, or care to understand it, leaving cases in limbo and in danger labeled as 'contentious' or 'high conflict.'
Many who have found The Institute's programs and products have said, 'This is the first time anyone has ever explained this to me in a way I could understand.' I have seen that when people finally found information that described their partner's pathology, the awareness often gave way to crying, and then to anger. It was the information they wanted that was out there all along, but was not easy to find, or was sometimes not easy to understand or explained in layman's terms. Equally as frustrating is such poor and inaccurate training generated out of generic approaches to pathology in graduate schools which leaves professionals with the inability to spot pathology in others, and a total loss about how to treat the survivors. Consequently, the mental health field has done little to train the public about what pathology is, the limitation of wellness it implies, and what it looks and acts like in relationships, because they themselves do not know.
The efforts of The Institute are to bridge the gap in public pathology education to both survivors and treatment providers. One of our bridges in public pathology education is for survivors and is achieved by providing the best and most up-to-date recovery options for their unique aftermath symptoms. The second bridge is our approaches for victim service providers in the fields of mental health, criminal justice, nursing/medical, pastoral, addiction, and law enforcement. Our products for service providers, as well as our face-to-face trainings, have equipped professionals in many fields from many countries with the tools they need to help heal the aftermath of pathological love relationships.
An M.D. said to me recently, 'I consider pathology and it's untaught concepts to be the number one health crisis in this country.'
We couldn't agree more. We hope that the work of the many professionals who are involved with The Institute will be the part of the solution to the unrecognized face of pathology and it's victims.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness
Happy 4th of July! With all that flag waving and potato salad,I couldn't help but think about 'Independence Day' -- the day that women cut the cords of dependency and exit dangerous and pathological relationships.
Your emotional and physical 'Independence Day' is the beginning of recovery. It's the day that you 'come to' and say:
* How did I get here?
* Is this REALLY my life?
* Where did the real me go?
* Look how much this has cost me to be with him
* Look what it's done to my friends/family/children
* You know what? I'm not CRAZY!
* I don't believe his lies any more
* I'm sick of feeling this way
* I am tired of hearing about how everything is my fault
* I am sickened by my own staying
Your 'Independence Day' is the day you pick up and read some insight-oriented material that makes you snap out of the trance you have been in within the relationship. It's the day you read a book, listen to an audio, call a counselor, or pack your bags. It's the day you pray 'God help me get out,' change the locks on your door, or leave his bags at the curb. It's the day you book a retreat, go back to church/temple, confess your sick relationship to others.
Independence Day symbolizes freedom...not only in this country but in ourselves. The freedom to heal. The freedom to choose differently. The freedom to gain insight from someone other than a pathological individual we have been involved with. The freedom to end what is unhealthy.
Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness are aspects of a healthy life that can't occur within pathological and dangerous relationships. There is no life in that! It has all been sucked out of you by the pathological personality that is needy, defiant, deviant, or insatiable.
There is no Liberty--he runs the show, your thoughts, your needs, your dreams. There is no Pursuit of Happiness--only his. All pathologicals have an agenda that include their own perverted entitlement. Your happiness is only an accident if it happens while he is pursuing his own.
People fight to keep us free. Shouldn't you fight to keep yourself free? Independence isn't the opposite of dependency. It's the absence of self negation where you respect your own uniqueness, self, and life path and that you live first for these values.
Independence isn't selfishness. It isn't some prescription for alone-ness. It's the foundation of boundaries, self care, emotional and relational health.
Independence allows and builds inter-dependence--the structure that allows us to mutually care for one another without pathological suffocation. Independence is most assuredly, your recovery.
If we can help you out of your dangerous relationship, please avail yourself to our book, ebooks, other products, phone sessions, and retreat programs. Your success out is our success.
Your emotional and physical 'Independence Day' is the beginning of recovery. It's the day that you 'come to' and say:
* How did I get here?
* Is this REALLY my life?
* Where did the real me go?
* Look how much this has cost me to be with him
* Look what it's done to my friends/family/children
* You know what? I'm not CRAZY!
* I don't believe his lies any more
* I'm sick of feeling this way
* I am tired of hearing about how everything is my fault
* I am sickened by my own staying
Your 'Independence Day' is the day you pick up and read some insight-oriented material that makes you snap out of the trance you have been in within the relationship. It's the day you read a book, listen to an audio, call a counselor, or pack your bags. It's the day you pray 'God help me get out,' change the locks on your door, or leave his bags at the curb. It's the day you book a retreat, go back to church/temple, confess your sick relationship to others.
Independence Day symbolizes freedom...not only in this country but in ourselves. The freedom to heal. The freedom to choose differently. The freedom to gain insight from someone other than a pathological individual we have been involved with. The freedom to end what is unhealthy.
Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness are aspects of a healthy life that can't occur within pathological and dangerous relationships. There is no life in that! It has all been sucked out of you by the pathological personality that is needy, defiant, deviant, or insatiable.
There is no Liberty--he runs the show, your thoughts, your needs, your dreams. There is no Pursuit of Happiness--only his. All pathologicals have an agenda that include their own perverted entitlement. Your happiness is only an accident if it happens while he is pursuing his own.
People fight to keep us free. Shouldn't you fight to keep yourself free? Independence isn't the opposite of dependency. It's the absence of self negation where you respect your own uniqueness, self, and life path and that you live first for these values.
Independence isn't selfishness. It isn't some prescription for alone-ness. It's the foundation of boundaries, self care, emotional and relational health.
Independence allows and builds inter-dependence--the structure that allows us to mutually care for one another without pathological suffocation. Independence is most assuredly, your recovery.
If we can help you out of your dangerous relationship, please avail yourself to our book, ebooks, other products, phone sessions, and retreat programs. Your success out is our success.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Default Settings in Patterns of Partner Selection
If you use a computer you are probably aware of the ‘default settings’
that come on your computer or in various software programs on your
machine. A default settings is
“The controls of a computer hardware, software, device, equipment or machine which was preset by its manufacturer.”
Items on your computer that are preset are often the country you are in, the time zone, etc. There are also types of ‘presets’ you can choose yourself such as what company ISP is your home page, which printer you assign to your computer, and so on. These selections become ‘default’ settings once you have selected them. Your machine is now set to automatically defer to those choices every time the machine needs to.
But our computers are not the only things that are set on default. Just like a computer ‘hardware’ or ‘software’ can come ‘preset’ by its manufacturer, so can our own internal computer—our body and psyche.
Our hardware is our genetics that come hardwired into the development of our brain (and body for that matter). This can include propensities and proclivities to certain traits such as high or low serotonin in our brains, high or low empathy, and other genetic DNA that ‘presets’ our internalized computer. Just as we have seen the impact of the pathologicals own hardwired symptoms, we too come hardwired with our defaults that want to ‘lean’ us to these preset settings. Our default settings could be set to attraction to stocky dark haired men, or blonde and blue eyed, or black men or maybe your physical default is not all that particular about the physicality of your partners. Maybe your default is set to other parameters such as humor, charisma, or spirituality.
While we don’t ask why we have blue eyes or why we are attracted to tall dark and handsome, we often ask ‘why’ we have too much empathy or too much relationship investment not understanding that these settings come hardwired with us when we are born. A fact not often understood is that some emotional traits are as hardwired as other genetic DNA.
Our software is the programs that have been added into and onto our machine that tell the machine what to do. These software programs also impact our default settings but in a different way. Software are the messages you learned growing up as a child. These messages about relationships, men and women’s roles in relationships, what power you do or do not have, the impact of choices, violence in the home, addictions in parents are all data and information that is stored on your computer in the software ‘programs’ that run your computer. From your software the machine (your body, your external life) is run from the programs of your software. So messages about how ‘all relationships are’ or about what you ‘can and cannot succeed in’, tell your machine what choices to make from the software you have.
Software programs other than childhood messages can also come from religious impact, education, and your own experience within relationships—each compounding the existing software message or conflicting with existing software messages. These messages are also loaded onto your software as programs that impact choices which impact your life.
Hardware (hardwiring) preset defaults such as hyper empathy combined with software loaded defaults such as super trust or high tolerance messages (such as ‘don’t get divorced no matter what’) combine in unique yet entrapping ways that cause some people to be more ‘at risk’ of Pathological Love Relationships than others.
We have had heard the arguments of ‘nature versus nurture’ especially regarding pathology. We know some of the Cluster Bs are born that way, some are made that way from their social environments and some are both—born that way and then bent that way further. The same is true for you, the Super-Traited partner of Cluster Bs.
You come into the world with a proclivity towards certain hardwired traits within your temperament that are so strong as to make your ‘bent’ towards attraction to, and tolerance of, pathology extremely high. Into your world with your ‘bent’ you are exposed to lifelong messages that either encourage your bent or try to bend you away from your existing proclivities.
Families with healthy boundaries and healthy relationships model the exact programming that sets a child’s default on a different setting for partner selection. But families who themselves have selected pathological partners, who have the same hardwiring propensity for tolerating pathology, flip the child’s software default switch to tolerance, minimizing, renaming, and accepting pathological behavior. This is largely done through role modeling these behaviors or what we call learned conditioning.
A genetic hard-wired proclivity with a software default program that supports pathological partner selection starts the process of the continued pattern of having pathological partners well into adulthood.
In computers, default settings serve the purpose of ‘minimal user interaction required’ which puts the setting defaults to the most commonly selected options. This is exactly what it does for you as well. “Why do I keep picking these kinds of guys over and over again?” Your default was set early in life and has not been changed. When left to your own programming, your default will automatically select the most pathological partner. Your hard-wiring is already ‘bent’ in that direction and is supported by your software programs to do so. It is so automatic, so autonomic, that just like the computer ‘minimal user interaction is required.’
By the time women contact The Institute, they are so exhausted by the lifetime of the pathological energy-sucking relationships that they are ready to do what it takes to stop this. Simply stating “I am NEVER going to do this again. I am going to pick differently in the future” doesn’t register to your software program. It’s still set on the default pattern of selection it has been set on for years. If you could look at the software settings internally it would look like this:
x Narcissistic
x Cheater
x Pathological Lying
x Charming and deceitful
x Helps me ignore my red flags
x Induces fantasy thinking of how my future MIGHT be
x Honeymoon cycle followed by D&D (Devalue & Discard)
x Intense, intensely pursued
x Hypnotic, I can’t think or choose differently while with them
These might be some of the traits you are repeatedly selecting through your software default program.
In software programs, it’s noted that ‘Using defaults will tend to increase errors, as users may leave incorrect default settings selected.’
Hmmmmm… yeah. Can we agree that’s true? The difficulty in Pathological Love Relationship recovery is that women read a book or go to a counselor and talk about the pain of the relationship but never get down to the reprogramming of the software. Hardware comes as it is and will always be there and you will always be ‘bent’ in a direction or proclivity for these relationships. BUT you can put in different software programming that will let you pick from a NEWSET of default choices and not automatically ‘defaulting back’ to what you have always chosen. You have to choose differently in order to get a different outcome.
Only a few times a year do we offer these ‘software reprogramming’ events that we call retreats. By popular demand we have added one more for all of 2012 which is Sept 2-7 in beautiful Brevard, NC – The Land of Waterfalls. 2013 retreats (if offered) have not been set yet. Please avail yourself to this opportunity. We have filled the first house and had so many other requests we have added a second house and only have ONE slot remaining in it. Information about the retreat is on the website and an application. Fill it out and email it to us at saferelationships (at) yahoo. We will review and contact you to let you know if it was accepted into the program. We cannot comment on your placement without an application. Cost is $625 for accommodations, group sessions, and nature outings.
Controls of a computer hardware or software (or of a device, equipment, or machine) as preset by its manufacturer. Some types of default settings may be altered or customized by the user.
Ads by Google
Read more: http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/default-setting.html#ixzz1y96c3FZm
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“The controls of a computer hardware, software, device, equipment or machine which was preset by its manufacturer.”
Items on your computer that are preset are often the country you are in, the time zone, etc. There are also types of ‘presets’ you can choose yourself such as what company ISP is your home page, which printer you assign to your computer, and so on. These selections become ‘default’ settings once you have selected them. Your machine is now set to automatically defer to those choices every time the machine needs to.
But our computers are not the only things that are set on default. Just like a computer ‘hardware’ or ‘software’ can come ‘preset’ by its manufacturer, so can our own internal computer—our body and psyche.
Our hardware is our genetics that come hardwired into the development of our brain (and body for that matter). This can include propensities and proclivities to certain traits such as high or low serotonin in our brains, high or low empathy, and other genetic DNA that ‘presets’ our internalized computer. Just as we have seen the impact of the pathologicals own hardwired symptoms, we too come hardwired with our defaults that want to ‘lean’ us to these preset settings. Our default settings could be set to attraction to stocky dark haired men, or blonde and blue eyed, or black men or maybe your physical default is not all that particular about the physicality of your partners. Maybe your default is set to other parameters such as humor, charisma, or spirituality.
While we don’t ask why we have blue eyes or why we are attracted to tall dark and handsome, we often ask ‘why’ we have too much empathy or too much relationship investment not understanding that these settings come hardwired with us when we are born. A fact not often understood is that some emotional traits are as hardwired as other genetic DNA.
Our software is the programs that have been added into and onto our machine that tell the machine what to do. These software programs also impact our default settings but in a different way. Software are the messages you learned growing up as a child. These messages about relationships, men and women’s roles in relationships, what power you do or do not have, the impact of choices, violence in the home, addictions in parents are all data and information that is stored on your computer in the software ‘programs’ that run your computer. From your software the machine (your body, your external life) is run from the programs of your software. So messages about how ‘all relationships are’ or about what you ‘can and cannot succeed in’, tell your machine what choices to make from the software you have.
Software programs other than childhood messages can also come from religious impact, education, and your own experience within relationships—each compounding the existing software message or conflicting with existing software messages. These messages are also loaded onto your software as programs that impact choices which impact your life.
Hardware (hardwiring) preset defaults such as hyper empathy combined with software loaded defaults such as super trust or high tolerance messages (such as ‘don’t get divorced no matter what’) combine in unique yet entrapping ways that cause some people to be more ‘at risk’ of Pathological Love Relationships than others.
We have had heard the arguments of ‘nature versus nurture’ especially regarding pathology. We know some of the Cluster Bs are born that way, some are made that way from their social environments and some are both—born that way and then bent that way further. The same is true for you, the Super-Traited partner of Cluster Bs.
You come into the world with a proclivity towards certain hardwired traits within your temperament that are so strong as to make your ‘bent’ towards attraction to, and tolerance of, pathology extremely high. Into your world with your ‘bent’ you are exposed to lifelong messages that either encourage your bent or try to bend you away from your existing proclivities.
Families with healthy boundaries and healthy relationships model the exact programming that sets a child’s default on a different setting for partner selection. But families who themselves have selected pathological partners, who have the same hardwiring propensity for tolerating pathology, flip the child’s software default switch to tolerance, minimizing, renaming, and accepting pathological behavior. This is largely done through role modeling these behaviors or what we call learned conditioning.
A genetic hard-wired proclivity with a software default program that supports pathological partner selection starts the process of the continued pattern of having pathological partners well into adulthood.
In computers, default settings serve the purpose of ‘minimal user interaction required’ which puts the setting defaults to the most commonly selected options. This is exactly what it does for you as well. “Why do I keep picking these kinds of guys over and over again?” Your default was set early in life and has not been changed. When left to your own programming, your default will automatically select the most pathological partner. Your hard-wiring is already ‘bent’ in that direction and is supported by your software programs to do so. It is so automatic, so autonomic, that just like the computer ‘minimal user interaction is required.’
By the time women contact The Institute, they are so exhausted by the lifetime of the pathological energy-sucking relationships that they are ready to do what it takes to stop this. Simply stating “I am NEVER going to do this again. I am going to pick differently in the future” doesn’t register to your software program. It’s still set on the default pattern of selection it has been set on for years. If you could look at the software settings internally it would look like this:
x Narcissistic
x Cheater
x Pathological Lying
x Charming and deceitful
x Helps me ignore my red flags
x Induces fantasy thinking of how my future MIGHT be
x Honeymoon cycle followed by D&D (Devalue & Discard)
x Intense, intensely pursued
x Hypnotic, I can’t think or choose differently while with them
These might be some of the traits you are repeatedly selecting through your software default program.
In software programs, it’s noted that ‘Using defaults will tend to increase errors, as users may leave incorrect default settings selected.’
Hmmmmm… yeah. Can we agree that’s true? The difficulty in Pathological Love Relationship recovery is that women read a book or go to a counselor and talk about the pain of the relationship but never get down to the reprogramming of the software. Hardware comes as it is and will always be there and you will always be ‘bent’ in a direction or proclivity for these relationships. BUT you can put in different software programming that will let you pick from a NEWSET of default choices and not automatically ‘defaulting back’ to what you have always chosen. You have to choose differently in order to get a different outcome.
Only a few times a year do we offer these ‘software reprogramming’ events that we call retreats. By popular demand we have added one more for all of 2012 which is Sept 2-7 in beautiful Brevard, NC – The Land of Waterfalls. 2013 retreats (if offered) have not been set yet. Please avail yourself to this opportunity. We have filled the first house and had so many other requests we have added a second house and only have ONE slot remaining in it. Information about the retreat is on the website and an application. Fill it out and email it to us at saferelationships (at) yahoo. We will review and contact you to let you know if it was accepted into the program. We cannot comment on your placement without an application. Cost is $625 for accommodations, group sessions, and nature outings.
Controls of a computer hardware or software (or of a device, equipment, or machine) as preset by its manufacturer. Some types of default settings may be altered or customized by the user.
Ads by Google
Read more: http://www.businessdictionary.com/definition/default-setting.html#ixzz1y96c3FZm
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Becoming Aware
I was always told as a youngster, "be aware of your surroundings." Obviously, I was told this to use awareness as a protective measure against the evils that could be lurking around. As a child, the greatest need to becoming aware of your surroundings would be to look out for, and flee from human predators (i.e. kidnappers, sexual offenders). Is becoming aware of your surroundings so different as an adult, when it comes to looking out for human predators (i.e. psychopathic soul stealers)?
Awareness is defined as, "the state or ability to perceive, feel, or be conscious of events, objects or sensory patterns." The definition goes on to state, "in this level of consciousness, sense data can be confirmed by an observer without necessarily implying understanding. As adults we seem to become conflicted with the last part of the definition – feeling as though we have to 'understand' the sensory data to make sense of it, categorize it, and then take appropriate action. This is the part that seems to pose the problem – not fleeing when sensory data is clearly sending material to become keenly aware of and to move away.
How many times do women recognize the 'sensory patterns' they feel within themselves, when in the beginning stages of a relationship with a pathological man? Perhaps it's the sensation of intense excitement, apprehension, heightened sexual response, or feeling that something is 'just not quite right.' Instead of leaving the situation, many women, especially those with elevated traits and characteristics which place them 'at risk' for the pathological predator, stay and wait it out – hoping to regain a sense of balance, or to see a change in the situation. These women, aware of perceiving, feeling, and being conscious of the sense data coming in upon their first meetings with the pathological tend to ignore the sensory patterns that develop as the relationship continues and becomes increasingly dysfunctional.
Those women that operate at a higher level of consciousness may begin to recognize the 'problems' that are occurring within the relationship – becoming aware of the pattern of behavior with the psychopathic man, as well as their own pattern of response to his behaviors. However, usually by this time, the relationship is well under way and she has invested time and energy – she may see her only viable option as remaining, working it out and hoping things change – she's smart and resourceful, she can 'make it work.' So, instead of taking this sense data, which is confirmed by the 'observer' (the woman involved), without necessarily implying understanding, and fleeing the situation that is not understood – she remains – and awareness is diminished. As time goes by, her level of awareness and consciousness dwindles as her mind and thought processes are busily tending to the everyday dealings with the pathological man.
To begin to cultivate awareness, a very simple practice is to be aware of the breath. This is a first step in stopping the process of habitual mindlessness, and bringing yourself back to the present moment. This practice helps to shift the constant mind chattering that affects all people with 'thinking back to the past, ahead to the future.' It puts a halt to this mind chatter, and brings you back to the present moment. When you are consciously in the present moment, concentrating on the breath, the mind can rest and awareness can take place. When the mind is at rest, developing skillful ways to handle stress can then be used to respond to various situations.
There are many breathing practices that can be learned through various books and articles, or by attending classes dealing with holistic healing methods. A basic breathing practice that can be used throughout the day, especially during times of stress, is the Four Square Breathing Technique. This technique is done as followed:
• Inhale the breath for the count of four.
• Retain the breath for a count of four.
• Exhale the breath for a count of four.
• Retain the breath for a count of four.
Repeat the practice a few more times. When doing a breathing exercise, always breath from the lower belly (feeling the belly rise), instead of from the upper chest. Breathing from the upper chest is shallow breathing, the type of breathing most people are use to, and the type of breathing that happens when people are anxious. The more you perform breathing techniques, the more fully you will breath automatically, bringing much needed oxygen to the body. Fully exhaling the breath assists in removing toxins from the body. Breathing practices are very restorative to the body and mind, and bring healing and steadiness. Breathing assists in cultivating awareness, and awareness keeps us in a present state so that we may become aware of our surroundings.
(With any traditional or alternative health practice, please consult your health care provider or a licensed/certified individual in a particular area. As with any practice, be responsible for your health. Cease the practice with any discomfort you may feel.)
This article was written for the 'Sandra Says' column with permission from Sandra Brown M.A. by Michelle O'Brien M.S. Ed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Awareness is defined as, "the state or ability to perceive, feel, or be conscious of events, objects or sensory patterns." The definition goes on to state, "in this level of consciousness, sense data can be confirmed by an observer without necessarily implying understanding. As adults we seem to become conflicted with the last part of the definition – feeling as though we have to 'understand' the sensory data to make sense of it, categorize it, and then take appropriate action. This is the part that seems to pose the problem – not fleeing when sensory data is clearly sending material to become keenly aware of and to move away.
How many times do women recognize the 'sensory patterns' they feel within themselves, when in the beginning stages of a relationship with a pathological man? Perhaps it's the sensation of intense excitement, apprehension, heightened sexual response, or feeling that something is 'just not quite right.' Instead of leaving the situation, many women, especially those with elevated traits and characteristics which place them 'at risk' for the pathological predator, stay and wait it out – hoping to regain a sense of balance, or to see a change in the situation. These women, aware of perceiving, feeling, and being conscious of the sense data coming in upon their first meetings with the pathological tend to ignore the sensory patterns that develop as the relationship continues and becomes increasingly dysfunctional.
Those women that operate at a higher level of consciousness may begin to recognize the 'problems' that are occurring within the relationship – becoming aware of the pattern of behavior with the psychopathic man, as well as their own pattern of response to his behaviors. However, usually by this time, the relationship is well under way and she has invested time and energy – she may see her only viable option as remaining, working it out and hoping things change – she's smart and resourceful, she can 'make it work.' So, instead of taking this sense data, which is confirmed by the 'observer' (the woman involved), without necessarily implying understanding, and fleeing the situation that is not understood – she remains – and awareness is diminished. As time goes by, her level of awareness and consciousness dwindles as her mind and thought processes are busily tending to the everyday dealings with the pathological man.
To begin to cultivate awareness, a very simple practice is to be aware of the breath. This is a first step in stopping the process of habitual mindlessness, and bringing yourself back to the present moment. This practice helps to shift the constant mind chattering that affects all people with 'thinking back to the past, ahead to the future.' It puts a halt to this mind chatter, and brings you back to the present moment. When you are consciously in the present moment, concentrating on the breath, the mind can rest and awareness can take place. When the mind is at rest, developing skillful ways to handle stress can then be used to respond to various situations.
There are many breathing practices that can be learned through various books and articles, or by attending classes dealing with holistic healing methods. A basic breathing practice that can be used throughout the day, especially during times of stress, is the Four Square Breathing Technique. This technique is done as followed:
• Inhale the breath for the count of four.
• Retain the breath for a count of four.
• Exhale the breath for a count of four.
• Retain the breath for a count of four.
Repeat the practice a few more times. When doing a breathing exercise, always breath from the lower belly (feeling the belly rise), instead of from the upper chest. Breathing from the upper chest is shallow breathing, the type of breathing most people are use to, and the type of breathing that happens when people are anxious. The more you perform breathing techniques, the more fully you will breath automatically, bringing much needed oxygen to the body. Fully exhaling the breath assists in removing toxins from the body. Breathing practices are very restorative to the body and mind, and bring healing and steadiness. Breathing assists in cultivating awareness, and awareness keeps us in a present state so that we may become aware of our surroundings.
(With any traditional or alternative health practice, please consult your health care provider or a licensed/certified individual in a particular area. As with any practice, be responsible for your health. Cease the practice with any discomfort you may feel.)
This article was written for the 'Sandra Says' column with permission from Sandra Brown M.A. by Michelle O'Brien M.S. Ed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
What Will You Do?
In May 2012, Vicki Bolling lay dying in her front yard, shot three times by her husband. The local news reports say that the death of Ms. Bolling was no surprise to her sons. According to news accounts, her sons report that she suffered years of physical and emotional abuse that included threats, manipulation and intimidation. She was married for 30 years. Her son, John Stevenson, is quoted as saying “She is the only one in the world who could love a monster.” (Tampa Bay Times, May 10, 2012)
We know that she is not the only one…we know that loving a “monster” is possible. For women that love psychopaths, love and monster often exist in the same thought. The problem is, someone who has never been in the midst of this level of psychological trauma may not understand…they don’t understand why women stay…why women don’t see how bad he is. This lack of understanding of the power of pathology is killing women.
Domestic homicide is preventable. The mission of the Fatality Review Committee in Pinellas County, Florida is to convey that message. It is the responsibility of the Pinellas County Fatality Review Committee to bring to the table members of the community who share a vested interest in uncovering patterns related to local domestic homicides. In the last twelve years, the team has reviewed 103 cases. Cases are reviewed only after they have been finalized in the criminal justice system.
Domestic homicide, both locally and nationally, does not occur in a vacuum…there are warning signs and in a community, there are trends. Our report, published in May 2012, outlines the seven trends in our community for domestic homicides.
1-In 89% of cases there had been no contact with the local domestic violence center. Domestic homicide is preventable when victims reach out to domestic violence centers for safety and resources.
2-In 89% of the cases there had been no referral to a batterer’s intervention program. Domestic homicide is preventable when perpetrators connect with batterer’s intervention programs and their underlying behaviors and beliefs are addressed.
3-In 88% of cases there was a male perpetrator and female victim. Domestic homicide is preventable when our society shifts to the belief that all people are of equal value and control over others is no longer the standard.
4-In 85% of cases there was no injunction for protection filed. Domestic homicide is preventable when victims are encouraged to file injunctions for protection and have access to information and safety planning to assist in the process of leaving.
5-In 76% of cases substance abuse was a contributing factor. Domestic homicide is preventable when those who have a substance abuse problem are assessed for issues related to violence, both perpetrators and victims.
6-In 68% of the cases the perpetrator had a prior criminal history. Domestic homicide is preventable when criminal history is identified as a pattern of behavior and the information is made openly available to victims and during domestic violence court hearings.
7-In 69% of the cases friends, family, coworkers and/or neighbors were aware of previous violence. Domestic homicide is preventable when everyone in the community takes a stand against violence; stop asking why she doesn’t leave and start asking what you can do to help her leave.
These trends mean something. A “trend” refers to the idea or awareness of repeated, connected events. It’s not a black and white predictor but rather a clue to a potential. Trends are used in many areas of our lives. Many follow financial trends or housing market trends; some look at trends related to medical issues and even trends in our environment. Those that use trends take advantage of facts and information found in the reality of our lives…trends don’t rely on the maybe’s of the past, but rather the truth that exists in the past.
What is powerful about trends is their ability to provide safeguards as well as hope. Trends help us connect missing pieces to prevent poor choices, and they help us highlight information that will lead to improved choices. If we are open to it, they translate into the framework for prevention.
Prevention in the area of domestic homicide is risky. The risk comes because of the severity of getting it right or getting it wrong…human life is at stake. But I believe we must move through the risk. By “move through” I mean acknowledge it…learn from it, and then see what follows. So, beyond acknowledging the risk exists a focus on prevention.
The trends that have come from our local review of domestic homicide highlight many areas that need more focus. The realities of these trends are not unlike acknowledging the realities of pathology. Identifying patterns of behavior in one person and accepting the reality of who they are can help prevent continued pain. We have to begin to call it as it is…we have to pay attention to the facts and the patterns of behavior.
So, what will you do? I invite you to be an observer – begin to pay attention to the people around you. As you observe the behavior of others, do so without judgment…without including your “opinion” about who they are…leave out the morals that might have been handed to you or the input of society that doesn’t fit for you. Observe the behavior as it is…look for patterns… and when you uncover a pattern that violates who you are…or violates the boundaries of someone you love….do something.
As part of the mission of The Institute we ask you to spread the word about the power and impact of pathology. Share this report with those in your community that are invested in saving lives. Talk to them about the trends and patterns, and about pathology. Domestic Homicide Fatality Review Teams are active in many states and communities…what can you contribute to the conversation? If your community is not talking about dangerous relationships, then you can be the start…do something.
Finally, if you are experiencing physical and psychological abuse, please consider creating an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit. To learn more, visit www.documenttheabuse.com
To read the full report “Preventable: A Review of Domestic Fatalities in Pinellas County, Florida”, click here: http://www.largo.com/egov/docs/1337974149_814671.pdf
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We know that she is not the only one…we know that loving a “monster” is possible. For women that love psychopaths, love and monster often exist in the same thought. The problem is, someone who has never been in the midst of this level of psychological trauma may not understand…they don’t understand why women stay…why women don’t see how bad he is. This lack of understanding of the power of pathology is killing women.
Domestic homicide is preventable. The mission of the Fatality Review Committee in Pinellas County, Florida is to convey that message. It is the responsibility of the Pinellas County Fatality Review Committee to bring to the table members of the community who share a vested interest in uncovering patterns related to local domestic homicides. In the last twelve years, the team has reviewed 103 cases. Cases are reviewed only after they have been finalized in the criminal justice system.
Domestic homicide, both locally and nationally, does not occur in a vacuum…there are warning signs and in a community, there are trends. Our report, published in May 2012, outlines the seven trends in our community for domestic homicides.
1-In 89% of cases there had been no contact with the local domestic violence center. Domestic homicide is preventable when victims reach out to domestic violence centers for safety and resources.
2-In 89% of the cases there had been no referral to a batterer’s intervention program. Domestic homicide is preventable when perpetrators connect with batterer’s intervention programs and their underlying behaviors and beliefs are addressed.
3-In 88% of cases there was a male perpetrator and female victim. Domestic homicide is preventable when our society shifts to the belief that all people are of equal value and control over others is no longer the standard.
4-In 85% of cases there was no injunction for protection filed. Domestic homicide is preventable when victims are encouraged to file injunctions for protection and have access to information and safety planning to assist in the process of leaving.
5-In 76% of cases substance abuse was a contributing factor. Domestic homicide is preventable when those who have a substance abuse problem are assessed for issues related to violence, both perpetrators and victims.
6-In 68% of the cases the perpetrator had a prior criminal history. Domestic homicide is preventable when criminal history is identified as a pattern of behavior and the information is made openly available to victims and during domestic violence court hearings.
7-In 69% of the cases friends, family, coworkers and/or neighbors were aware of previous violence. Domestic homicide is preventable when everyone in the community takes a stand against violence; stop asking why she doesn’t leave and start asking what you can do to help her leave.
These trends mean something. A “trend” refers to the idea or awareness of repeated, connected events. It’s not a black and white predictor but rather a clue to a potential. Trends are used in many areas of our lives. Many follow financial trends or housing market trends; some look at trends related to medical issues and even trends in our environment. Those that use trends take advantage of facts and information found in the reality of our lives…trends don’t rely on the maybe’s of the past, but rather the truth that exists in the past.
What is powerful about trends is their ability to provide safeguards as well as hope. Trends help us connect missing pieces to prevent poor choices, and they help us highlight information that will lead to improved choices. If we are open to it, they translate into the framework for prevention.
Prevention in the area of domestic homicide is risky. The risk comes because of the severity of getting it right or getting it wrong…human life is at stake. But I believe we must move through the risk. By “move through” I mean acknowledge it…learn from it, and then see what follows. So, beyond acknowledging the risk exists a focus on prevention.
The trends that have come from our local review of domestic homicide highlight many areas that need more focus. The realities of these trends are not unlike acknowledging the realities of pathology. Identifying patterns of behavior in one person and accepting the reality of who they are can help prevent continued pain. We have to begin to call it as it is…we have to pay attention to the facts and the patterns of behavior.
So, what will you do? I invite you to be an observer – begin to pay attention to the people around you. As you observe the behavior of others, do so without judgment…without including your “opinion” about who they are…leave out the morals that might have been handed to you or the input of society that doesn’t fit for you. Observe the behavior as it is…look for patterns… and when you uncover a pattern that violates who you are…or violates the boundaries of someone you love….do something.
As part of the mission of The Institute we ask you to spread the word about the power and impact of pathology. Share this report with those in your community that are invested in saving lives. Talk to them about the trends and patterns, and about pathology. Domestic Homicide Fatality Review Teams are active in many states and communities…what can you contribute to the conversation? If your community is not talking about dangerous relationships, then you can be the start…do something.
Finally, if you are experiencing physical and psychological abuse, please consider creating an Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit. To learn more, visit www.documenttheabuse.com
To read the full report “Preventable: A Review of Domestic Fatalities in Pinellas County, Florida”, click here: http://www.largo.com/egov/docs/1337974149_814671.pdf
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Determination in the Life of the Survivor
I've seen the look many times – hundreds of times over the past 20 years, working with (mostly) women who are surviving a pathological love relationship. There is a 'look.' Initially it's a timid look – before she grasps that she really CAN survive and thrive. The look then begins to change, morphing into real belief and real power.
Ironically, I saw the look this past week in an unlikely, but stunning face. I saw her gentleness – as did the pathological that was in her life. Your 'super traits' of empathy, tolerance, caring and compassion are what make you the wonderful girl you are. It has also been target traits for pathological individuals. You can just see the gentleness in the face.
Then I saw her powerlessness.
The look like you don't know if you will ever get out, ever survive, ever find your power again. It feels as if you are being held against your will – when you remember once that you were so different – so self-assured, confident, and capable.
Many people have seen the face of unbelievable stress and worry – when you no longer trust your own judgment, ping-pong back and forth between loving and loathing him. When you can't concentrate, focus, sleep, or even want to get up each day.
But, the greatest thing about doing this work is when women really 'get it' about pathology. When they understand that what's wrong with him has nothing to do with her, and what she did or didn't do. When she gets that 'wild-eyed look' that says her reality has shifted, and she realizes that what has happened to her is simply that she's been knee-deep in pathology, and she is powerful enough to walk away.
I love that part – the paradigm shift – when women turn the corner in understanding, and her whole future opens up like a flower blooming.
Over the years, I have watched hundreds of women storm off into their future having recaptured their lives, their dignity, their ability to function well, and their self-belief. It's a beautiful and strong presence when you get to witness that happen.
Why all of the horse photos? This is Rachel Alexandra – I love her expressive face. She is a reminder to me of all the women I have worked with. She was the first filly in 85 years to win the Preakness. It awed me to see her many faces of gentleness, powerlessness, worry, thriving, and power. It reminded me that even though so much is often against you in your race to recovery from pathology, that you too like Rachel Alexandra, can defy the odds even when they have been stacked that way for 85 years! There really is something to be said for the power of belief, destiny, and desire. I believe in you!
A few times a year we offer those face-to-face events through retreats. In 2012 we reduced them to two a year which were in February and March. We have gotten a number of requests for one more retreat this year which we have organized and in which there is ONE remaining slot. The Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships Retreat is Sept 2-7, 2012 in beautiful Brevard, NC the Land of the Waterfalls, 20+ hours of soul-healing group sessions, plus the restorational value of hiking, beauty, the forests, and waterfalls. Application downloads are on the magazine website.
If you feel the recovery approaches you have been utilizing are not effective, do consider the retreats which have been used by dozens and dozens of women to bring rapid results to their cognitive dissonance, anxiety, and stress disordered symptoms. I hope you will join us for the soul restoration you are craving.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
Ironically, I saw the look this past week in an unlikely, but stunning face. I saw her gentleness – as did the pathological that was in her life. Your 'super traits' of empathy, tolerance, caring and compassion are what make you the wonderful girl you are. It has also been target traits for pathological individuals. You can just see the gentleness in the face.
Then I saw her powerlessness.
The look like you don't know if you will ever get out, ever survive, ever find your power again. It feels as if you are being held against your will – when you remember once that you were so different – so self-assured, confident, and capable.
Many people have seen the face of unbelievable stress and worry – when you no longer trust your own judgment, ping-pong back and forth between loving and loathing him. When you can't concentrate, focus, sleep, or even want to get up each day.
But, the greatest thing about doing this work is when women really 'get it' about pathology. When they understand that what's wrong with him has nothing to do with her, and what she did or didn't do. When she gets that 'wild-eyed look' that says her reality has shifted, and she realizes that what has happened to her is simply that she's been knee-deep in pathology, and she is powerful enough to walk away.
I love that part – the paradigm shift – when women turn the corner in understanding, and her whole future opens up like a flower blooming.
Over the years, I have watched hundreds of women storm off into their future having recaptured their lives, their dignity, their ability to function well, and their self-belief. It's a beautiful and strong presence when you get to witness that happen.
Why all of the horse photos? This is Rachel Alexandra – I love her expressive face. She is a reminder to me of all the women I have worked with. She was the first filly in 85 years to win the Preakness. It awed me to see her many faces of gentleness, powerlessness, worry, thriving, and power. It reminded me that even though so much is often against you in your race to recovery from pathology, that you too like Rachel Alexandra, can defy the odds even when they have been stacked that way for 85 years! There really is something to be said for the power of belief, destiny, and desire. I believe in you!
A few times a year we offer those face-to-face events through retreats. In 2012 we reduced them to two a year which were in February and March. We have gotten a number of requests for one more retreat this year which we have organized and in which there is ONE remaining slot. The Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships Retreat is Sept 2-7, 2012 in beautiful Brevard, NC the Land of the Waterfalls, 20+ hours of soul-healing group sessions, plus the restorational value of hiking, beauty, the forests, and waterfalls. Application downloads are on the magazine website.
If you feel the recovery approaches you have been utilizing are not effective, do consider the retreats which have been used by dozens and dozens of women to bring rapid results to their cognitive dissonance, anxiety, and stress disordered symptoms. I hope you will join us for the soul restoration you are craving.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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