Part of the problem we face in trying to get to the nitty-gritty of pathological love relationships is that 'how we do it' or 'what we call it' is judged so severely that it impairs sharing the valuable outcomes that are learned.
There are groups of professionals, women’s orgs, and service agencies that tip toe around what we 'call' patterns of selection in relationships. There are unspoken rules and heavily weighted opinions about 'what' we can discuss and 'how' we discuss the outcomes.
What am I talking about? Since the 1970's and the women's movement, discussing the specifics about women’s choices in relationships, patterns of selection, personality traits, mental health, sexual addiction/deviancy has been largely discouraged and ‘semanti-sized’ as 'labeling the victim' or 'victim blaming.' It has put the victim off limits for any in-depth understanding other than a victimology theory that was developed in the 1970's.
It is hard to get around the billboard image of 'victim' to talk about any kind of relationship dynamics or other psychological aspects (including biology or temperament engrained traits) that is happening in the pathological love relationship. We may study him but we already have a 'theory' for her which is not to be disturbed.
Compare this to any other field of mental health and it's absurd that we would say 'We already understand depression, no more theories, no more studying! Don't call it depression or you are blaming the patient for their own depression.'
To study her is to blame her. To measure her traits to see if there are vulnerabilities or pattern typing is to suggest she is flawed.
* The victim assuredly has been through trauma.
* Studying the victim in no way says they have not been through trauma.
* The victim is not to blame for what happened to them.
* Studying the victim in no way says they are responsible for what happened to them.
* The victim did not 'choose' the victimization, but in relational dysfunction, she did pick the victimizer.
Could we learn something about that?
How will Cancer be won or a cure for AIDS be found if we don't study the problem from all angles? If we conclude that studying the victim blames them, then we have cut off one entire segment of research that can help us in prevention, intervention and treatment--whether it's a medical disorder or a pathological relationship.
Studying victimology, including aspects of the victim, is not victim character asassination. It might be trait examination or pattern of selection analysis. It might be a lot of things that have nothing to do with blame and shame and everything to do with understanding or creating new paradigms in which to see these relationships. It might piggyback
off of theories developed in the 1970's...surely we have learned SOMETHING new about relationship dynamics, pathology in relationships, personality disorders as intimate partners, violence and addiction and their part in these relationships...surely we can UPDATE a theory without our own assassination or that of the victim?
In some ways, I envy the Scientific and Research communities that look at the data and pass all the d*@amn political correctness and emotional politics of 'labeling' it something that certain groups find offensive. They test and crunch numbers and put it in a journal without all the rig-a-ma-roy. But in our case, where we are a notch below the researchers, what we study, how we describe what we found, is subject to so much scrutiny that many clinicians and writers hesitate to publish what they found.
So it has been with many of the things that The Institute has studied, found, reported, and written. In many organizations the first book 'How to Spot a Dangerous Man' was rejected for looking at family role modeling, patterns of selection, and other aspects that women themselves said contributed to their pathological relationship. (On the other hand, it has been hailed by many domestic violence agencies and used widely in shelters, treatment centers and women's prisons.)
We stepped it up a huge notch in the 'Women Who Love Psychopaths' in which we used testing instruments to test women's traits to see if there were temerament patterns in women who ended up in the most dangerous and disordered of relationships. This caught huge attention from some groups as the ground-breaking trait identification that it was and yet still; the victim groups saw it as labeling. How can we help women if we don't understand their own biology?
Ironically, what we found was significant--super-traits so perfectly and symmetrically seen in 80 cases. Did we hurt a victim by studying that? Or have we helped now thousands of women who have read the books, been counseled by our trained therapists, come to our treatment programs? How would we have gotten here today without daring to look deeper...to even risk looking at her! Not to blame her, but to understand her.
Some of the biggest break throughs that have been happening are in understanding the biology of our own brains and the consequences of our biology on our behavior, choices, and futures. We know that MRI's are being done on psychopath's brains--revealing areas of brains that work differently. Some day, I think that may cross over and other personality disorders and chronic mental illnesses will be MRI'd as well so we understand how those disorder effect biology and brain function.
But what about victims?
* If we put the word 'damaged' away and instead used the word and looked at how 'different' brain regions in victims function, over function, under function, are influenced by stress, PTSD, adrenaline, cortisol, and early childhood abuse--could we come to understand how their brain might function in their patterns of selection in dangerous relationships?
* Could we come to understand that even temperament traits might give proclivity to how the brain 'chooses' or how the brain categorizes (or ignores) red flags, danger, or is highly reactive to traumatized attraction?
* Could we understand brains that have higher tolerance levels because of certain brain areas that operate differently than other people?
* Could we understand traumatic memory storage and why good memories of him (even as awful as he might be) are so much stronger than the abuse memories?
* If we know what part of the brain distorts memory storage, can we work with that?
* Could we come to understand trait temperaments as risk factors or certain brain functions as possible victim vulnerabilities?
* Then would we know who is at risk?
* Would we understand better, how to TREAT the victim in counseling?
* How to develop prevention and intervention?
* Or how intensity of attachment could be either a temperament trait or a brain function instead of merely 'victim labeling.'
I am not only interested in the psycho-biology of the victim but how the psycho-biology affects patterns of selection and reactions in the most pathological of relationships. When we start really dealing with an open dialogue about these survivors, looking past ridiculous theories that asking questions is victim blaming, then maybe we can really offer some new theories into victimology that by passes band aid approaches to complex psycho-bio-social understandings. This is what The Institute intends to do....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Recovering Without Validation
Last week we talked about the difficulties, and yet the real possibilities of having to recover without justice. Many of you wrote me because you have indeed had the experience of facing getting over the aftermath of a pathological with very little legal justice. It doesn't mean that you don't pursue your own rights. You should always stand up for what you believe in. It's just that if the universe tilts in his favor yet again, or the courts continue to not support you, you still have to heal--for your own recovery and your own future---you must still heal.
It is the same as today's message--Healing Without Validation. Sometimes NO ONE believes he was pathological, a monster, did the things we said he did. He continues on in his job looking normal and even successful while
the women looks hysterical, unstable, and out of her mind. Mr. Pathological schmoozes with your friends, family,or bosses convincing all those around us he never did what you said he did, doesn't have the traits you accuse him of, and is just trying to get a good guy to a freaked out woman.
Mr. Pathological turns friends against you. Your attorney starts to believe HIS version of the story. Cops withhold restraining orders because 'he seems like such a nice guy' and even your children take his side.
This is the 'conning' side of his personality. Most pathologicals are octagon--they have eight sides! His charming side, intellectual side, friendly side, professional side, rageful side, addiction side, mentally ill side and lying/conning side. But many other people don't see the negative side of rage, addiction, mental illness,lying and conning. His positive side that faces outward to the general public is charming, intellectual, friendly, and professional. It is no wonder that women have to go through the recovery process with very little validation.
It is pathology websites, books and programs that help women heal when they find their validation in other stories, research, books, forums, and organizations designed to respond to pathological love relationships. The validation you are seeking comes from others who have been through it not from the pathologicals who are hard wired to have no insight about their disorder. And validation often does not come from those who have not personally seen the dichotomies of his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sides. That could include not receiving the much needed validation from your family or friends. Examine where it is you are trying to receive validation and adjust it to a realistic group who has experienced what you have. THAT'S where your validation will come from.
The Institute's phone coaching, tele-support groups, and retreats are created to give the pathological education and validation for what you have experienced. Let us know if we can help bring healing to your pathological love relationship trauma.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is the same as today's message--Healing Without Validation. Sometimes NO ONE believes he was pathological, a monster, did the things we said he did. He continues on in his job looking normal and even successful while
the women looks hysterical, unstable, and out of her mind. Mr. Pathological schmoozes with your friends, family,or bosses convincing all those around us he never did what you said he did, doesn't have the traits you accuse him of, and is just trying to get a good guy to a freaked out woman.
Mr. Pathological turns friends against you. Your attorney starts to believe HIS version of the story. Cops withhold restraining orders because 'he seems like such a nice guy' and even your children take his side.
This is the 'conning' side of his personality. Most pathologicals are octagon--they have eight sides! His charming side, intellectual side, friendly side, professional side, rageful side, addiction side, mentally ill side and lying/conning side. But many other people don't see the negative side of rage, addiction, mental illness,lying and conning. His positive side that faces outward to the general public is charming, intellectual, friendly, and professional. It is no wonder that women have to go through the recovery process with very little validation.
It is pathology websites, books and programs that help women heal when they find their validation in other stories, research, books, forums, and organizations designed to respond to pathological love relationships. The validation you are seeking comes from others who have been through it not from the pathologicals who are hard wired to have no insight about their disorder. And validation often does not come from those who have not personally seen the dichotomies of his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sides. That could include not receiving the much needed validation from your family or friends. Examine where it is you are trying to receive validation and adjust it to a realistic group who has experienced what you have. THAT'S where your validation will come from.
The Institute's phone coaching, tele-support groups, and retreats are created to give the pathological education and validation for what you have experienced. Let us know if we can help bring healing to your pathological love relationship trauma.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Recovery With Out Justice
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
At the heart of the victims rights movement I was involved in during the 1980's after my father's murder, was the concept of judicial justice that would lead to psychological justice. It's a great concept and in a perfect world it would work in all situations. If the pathological person wronged you (physically hurt you, conned you out of money, screwed up your custody situation, bouts of infidelity, or spiritually abused you, etc.), he would be held accountable in the courts for his behavior, and more importantly, would be forced into victim restitution in which he would have to repay or do something as a sign of his guilt and your pain.
Of course, restitution in and of itself really doesn't heal anything. It's just the victim or person who was harmed feels like the scales of justice, that were so grossly leaning in his direction, got balanced into their direction. For a moment in court, and however long it takes him to pay or do the restitution, he is officially 'guilty' and everyone knows he was charged as such. He is 'paying his price to his victim' for his actions. For a moment in court, a judge believes you! He believes the monster really did what you say he did. That in and of itself is often the psychological justice that victims really look for and it helps them to heal.
In murder trials that I often attended, obviously the family cannot be compensated in any true way that relieves their pain and suffering. Their loved one was murdered. No amount of restitution touches a human life. The best the family can hope for is physical payment, prison, the death sentence, or some other act that the court assigns for the monster to the victim's family.
The judicial system acts as the conscience of this country. Victims seek solace in the courtroom and chambers hoping that justice will alleviate the pain, horror, and stigmatization of being a victim of the monster. But we know that in many cases, and I dare say, in most cases, that is not what happens. Restraining orders are not granted, arrests are not performed for stalking or violence, children are given over to the pathological who is overtly violent, sick, drug addicted, or otherwise an inept parent. When the pathological doesn't pay child support, nothing is done and the child is still sent to him. The thousands of dollars he conned out of you or stole from you is not returned. When alimony isn't paid, he gets away with it. Repeated visits to the courts do nothing to convince them, or to open their eyes to the true nature of his behaviors. Anything that is court ordered he defies and laughs at. You stand, mouth gapping and wondering, "Where is the justice? HOW does he get away with this?"
I have repeatedly said that the universe is strangely tilted to the benefit of the pathological. If ANYONE will get away with a con or a criminal act, it will be the pathological. The universal scales of justice are tilted in their favor and ironically, somehow influence the judicial scales of justice. In the 20 years of doing this work, I have seen them literally get away with murder, rape, embezzlement, breaking and entering, stalking, domestic violence, child abuse, and more. This ranks as the Eighth Wonder of the World—how pathological people can con their way out of the most vicious deeds and often never pay in any way for their behavior.
In these cases, women's hopes for justice are dashed and it negatively impacts their psychological healing. The scales of justice will never be balanced—she is not vindicated in the way that helps her to heal. Even if he is found guilty of something, he is rarely ever held to the standard of the law it's connected to. If he is supposed to pay a fine, he doesn't. If he is supposed to go to jail or prison, it's postponed or overturned. If custody is denied, he receives it by another judge. If he embezzled, it's forgiven in exchange for an admission of guilt.
Victim's rights and its connection to judicial and psychological justice will not get played out often in pathological relationships. The psychological justice that the victim is counting on in order to validate her—her moment in which the conscience of this country believes her-- doesn't happen. Since we understand that psychological justice is what is most likely to help victim's heal, now what?
Sternly, I tell victims of pathological relationships that they sometimes must recover without justice. We are not discussing 'what is fair', because the pathological has already skirted the issue of 'fairness.' He doesn't live with the concept of fairness and the law doesn't use it as a concept with him. If you desire to recover, heal and move forward with your life, it will require that you might just have to recover without judicial justice, without victim restitution, and without the conscience of this country validating your story.
You have to recover without a second of judicial support. Women who hinge recovery on judicial justice, waiting for her day in court or 'when he gets what's coming to him', will never recover. The universe is tilted in his favor and your own recovery must be a daring adventure in the face of a lack of victim's rights. Sometimes the only personal justice is recovering and living a great life. What he had done to you doesn't define you, hold you down, or stop you from succeeding in your own spiritual outlook.
In the end, the only thing you really have control over is how you choose to see your situation. If you see it as a victim and are unable to move past that view, you won't recover. If you see it as horrible things that happened to you but don't define or restrain you, you will move forward—with or without justice.
The unfair situation is what you have lived through and the ‘aftermath’ of the effects of the pathological relationship. In the face of this grossly dehumanizing experience is the indomitable ability to recover that can guide you not only to survive, but also to thrive in the face of great pain. I have every confidence you can heal, even without justice. Let us know if we can help you do that.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the heart of the victims rights movement I was involved in during the 1980's after my father's murder, was the concept of judicial justice that would lead to psychological justice. It's a great concept and in a perfect world it would work in all situations. If the pathological person wronged you (physically hurt you, conned you out of money, screwed up your custody situation, bouts of infidelity, or spiritually abused you, etc.), he would be held accountable in the courts for his behavior, and more importantly, would be forced into victim restitution in which he would have to repay or do something as a sign of his guilt and your pain.
Of course, restitution in and of itself really doesn't heal anything. It's just the victim or person who was harmed feels like the scales of justice, that were so grossly leaning in his direction, got balanced into their direction. For a moment in court, and however long it takes him to pay or do the restitution, he is officially 'guilty' and everyone knows he was charged as such. He is 'paying his price to his victim' for his actions. For a moment in court, a judge believes you! He believes the monster really did what you say he did. That in and of itself is often the psychological justice that victims really look for and it helps them to heal.
In murder trials that I often attended, obviously the family cannot be compensated in any true way that relieves their pain and suffering. Their loved one was murdered. No amount of restitution touches a human life. The best the family can hope for is physical payment, prison, the death sentence, or some other act that the court assigns for the monster to the victim's family.
The judicial system acts as the conscience of this country. Victims seek solace in the courtroom and chambers hoping that justice will alleviate the pain, horror, and stigmatization of being a victim of the monster. But we know that in many cases, and I dare say, in most cases, that is not what happens. Restraining orders are not granted, arrests are not performed for stalking or violence, children are given over to the pathological who is overtly violent, sick, drug addicted, or otherwise an inept parent. When the pathological doesn't pay child support, nothing is done and the child is still sent to him. The thousands of dollars he conned out of you or stole from you is not returned. When alimony isn't paid, he gets away with it. Repeated visits to the courts do nothing to convince them, or to open their eyes to the true nature of his behaviors. Anything that is court ordered he defies and laughs at. You stand, mouth gapping and wondering, "Where is the justice? HOW does he get away with this?"
I have repeatedly said that the universe is strangely tilted to the benefit of the pathological. If ANYONE will get away with a con or a criminal act, it will be the pathological. The universal scales of justice are tilted in their favor and ironically, somehow influence the judicial scales of justice. In the 20 years of doing this work, I have seen them literally get away with murder, rape, embezzlement, breaking and entering, stalking, domestic violence, child abuse, and more. This ranks as the Eighth Wonder of the World—how pathological people can con their way out of the most vicious deeds and often never pay in any way for their behavior.
In these cases, women's hopes for justice are dashed and it negatively impacts their psychological healing. The scales of justice will never be balanced—she is not vindicated in the way that helps her to heal. Even if he is found guilty of something, he is rarely ever held to the standard of the law it's connected to. If he is supposed to pay a fine, he doesn't. If he is supposed to go to jail or prison, it's postponed or overturned. If custody is denied, he receives it by another judge. If he embezzled, it's forgiven in exchange for an admission of guilt.
Victim's rights and its connection to judicial and psychological justice will not get played out often in pathological relationships. The psychological justice that the victim is counting on in order to validate her—her moment in which the conscience of this country believes her-- doesn't happen. Since we understand that psychological justice is what is most likely to help victim's heal, now what?
Sternly, I tell victims of pathological relationships that they sometimes must recover without justice. We are not discussing 'what is fair', because the pathological has already skirted the issue of 'fairness.' He doesn't live with the concept of fairness and the law doesn't use it as a concept with him. If you desire to recover, heal and move forward with your life, it will require that you might just have to recover without judicial justice, without victim restitution, and without the conscience of this country validating your story.
You have to recover without a second of judicial support. Women who hinge recovery on judicial justice, waiting for her day in court or 'when he gets what's coming to him', will never recover. The universe is tilted in his favor and your own recovery must be a daring adventure in the face of a lack of victim's rights. Sometimes the only personal justice is recovering and living a great life. What he had done to you doesn't define you, hold you down, or stop you from succeeding in your own spiritual outlook.
In the end, the only thing you really have control over is how you choose to see your situation. If you see it as a victim and are unable to move past that view, you won't recover. If you see it as horrible things that happened to you but don't define or restrain you, you will move forward—with or without justice.
The unfair situation is what you have lived through and the ‘aftermath’ of the effects of the pathological relationship. In the face of this grossly dehumanizing experience is the indomitable ability to recover that can guide you not only to survive, but also to thrive in the face of great pain. I have every confidence you can heal, even without justice. Let us know if we can help you do that.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Am I Under His Spell? Part III
My past two columns, I have been talking about trance states, dissociation, hypnotic suggestion, mind control...all ways the pathological controls your mind, thoughts, feelings, and ultimately your behavior.
This is not hocus pocus stuff. Trance states, dissociation and hypnosis are all normal parts of the way our body and minds respond to certain conditions. The only argument is if these pathologicals KNOW they are doing it to others! My answer would be yes: they are masters at noticing what works on other people. So to that degree, they tweak what works.
Additionally, many of you may be aware of the seminars, books, websites and now TV shows about 'seduction' and the techniques that are taught men about coming in under the radar to seduce women through hypnotic methods. My guess is that the pathologicals are teaching their findings to thers...passing on the horrid knowledge of their own disorders and how to covertly attract women subconsciously into sexual relationships. Appaulling? You bet. Just one more big WAKE UP CALL to women—pay attention and guard your minds.
Trance, mind control and hypnotic suggestion also are based on one's own level of 'suggestibility'. This is related to how responsive you are to the suggestions and opinions of others. The more responsive you are, the more suggestible and more easily you are mind controlled or hypnotizible.
A women's suggestibility is often influenced by her own biology. Women who are highly cooperative and value how others perceive them are likely to be more suggestible. Also, women's fatiguability highly influences her suggestibility.
Almost all women report high levels of emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual fatigue with pathological relationships. They take a toll on her--wearing her down until her emotional reserves that would normally not give in, are repressed. At that time when her fatigue level is high, her suggestibility is also high. Tired and spaced out, it's easy to get controlled by him.
Messages that are told to her during tired and spaced out times are recorded deeply and yet often subconsciously. "Can't get him out of your head?" is very real.
The women who participated in our research survey on 'women who love psychopaths' showed us just how susceptible women can be to suggestibility, fatiguibilty, and the resulting mind control. Almost all of the women experienced some form of trance, hypnosis, mind control of 'spell bound' symptoms.
Women must understand that 'staying in the relationship to figure it out' or 'see what happens' or 'wait til he works on himself and gets better' is absolutely risky for you. Your ability to be controlled covertly by him is significantly higher than other females.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is not hocus pocus stuff. Trance states, dissociation and hypnosis are all normal parts of the way our body and minds respond to certain conditions. The only argument is if these pathologicals KNOW they are doing it to others! My answer would be yes: they are masters at noticing what works on other people. So to that degree, they tweak what works.
Additionally, many of you may be aware of the seminars, books, websites and now TV shows about 'seduction' and the techniques that are taught men about coming in under the radar to seduce women through hypnotic methods. My guess is that the pathologicals are teaching their findings to thers...passing on the horrid knowledge of their own disorders and how to covertly attract women subconsciously into sexual relationships. Appaulling? You bet. Just one more big WAKE UP CALL to women—pay attention and guard your minds.
Trance, mind control and hypnotic suggestion also are based on one's own level of 'suggestibility'. This is related to how responsive you are to the suggestions and opinions of others. The more responsive you are, the more suggestible and more easily you are mind controlled or hypnotizible.
A women's suggestibility is often influenced by her own biology. Women who are highly cooperative and value how others perceive them are likely to be more suggestible. Also, women's fatiguability highly influences her suggestibility.
Almost all women report high levels of emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and spiritual fatigue with pathological relationships. They take a toll on her--wearing her down until her emotional reserves that would normally not give in, are repressed. At that time when her fatigue level is high, her suggestibility is also high. Tired and spaced out, it's easy to get controlled by him.
Messages that are told to her during tired and spaced out times are recorded deeply and yet often subconsciously. "Can't get him out of your head?" is very real.
The women who participated in our research survey on 'women who love psychopaths' showed us just how susceptible women can be to suggestibility, fatiguibilty, and the resulting mind control. Almost all of the women experienced some form of trance, hypnosis, mind control of 'spell bound' symptoms.
Women must understand that 'staying in the relationship to figure it out' or 'see what happens' or 'wait til he works on himself and gets better' is absolutely risky for you. Your ability to be controlled covertly by him is significantly higher than other females.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Am I Under His Spell Part II
In my previous column, we started talking about the very REAL issue of trance in relationship with pathologicals.
Women have described this as feeling 'under his spell,' 'spell bound,' ' mesmerized,' 'hypnotized,' 'spaced out,' 'not in control of their own thoughts....' All of these are ways of saying that various levels of covert and subtle mind-control have been happening with the pathological. And why wouldn't it be happening? These are power-hungry people who live to exert their dominance over others.
That includes your body, mind or spirit. Mind Control techniques are used on prisoners of war, in cults, and in hostage taking, either physical or mental. It obviously works or there wouldn't be 'techniques' and bad people wouldn't use it.
Mind control, brain washing, coercion...are all words for the same principles that are used to produce the results of reducing your own effectiveness and being emotionally overtaken by someone intent on doing so. The result is the victim's intense attachment to her perpetrator. This is often referred to as Betrayal Bonding or Trauma Bonding.
This is created by:
•Perceived threat to one's physical or psychological survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator would carry out the threat.
•Perceived small kindness from the captor/perpetrator to the captive.
•Isolation from perspectives other than those of the captor/perpetrator.
•Perceived inability to escape.
Mind control then produces dissociation which is a form of trance states. Dissociation is when your mind becomes overloaded and you need to 'step outside of yourself' to relieve the stress. Dissociation and trance are common reactions to trauma. For instance dissociation happens during abuse in childhood as well as adult traumas like rape. Prolonged mind control in adults will even produce trance states where adults begin to feel like they are being controlled. And they are...
If you have experienced mind control in your relationships, treatment and recovery for it includes:
* Breaking the Isolation - Helping you identify sources of supportive intervention; Self-help groups or group therapy also hot lines, crisis centers, shelters and friends.
* Identifiying Violence - As a victim in an abusive relationship, minimization of the abuse can occur, or denial about the different types of violent behavior that you encountered. Confusion about what is acceptable male (parental / authority) behavior is often common. Journal keeping, autobiographical writing, reading of first hand accounts or seeing films that deal with abuse may be helpful for you to understand the types of abuse you experienced.
* Renaming Perceived Kindness - Since abuse confuses the boundaries between kindness and manipulation, you may need to develop alternative sources of nurturance and caring other than the captor/perpetrator.
* Your Ability to Validate both Love and Terror - Because pathological often are dichotomous or have polar opposite behaviors such as kind and sadistic, there is often a split by the victim in
how they see the abuser. Treatment may need to help you integrate both disassociated 'sides' of the abuser, and will assist you in moving through the dream-like state in how you view and remember him.
In my next column, we'll continue our discussion on other forms of trance states and spell bound conditions.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women have described this as feeling 'under his spell,' 'spell bound,' ' mesmerized,' 'hypnotized,' 'spaced out,' 'not in control of their own thoughts....' All of these are ways of saying that various levels of covert and subtle mind-control have been happening with the pathological. And why wouldn't it be happening? These are power-hungry people who live to exert their dominance over others.
That includes your body, mind or spirit. Mind Control techniques are used on prisoners of war, in cults, and in hostage taking, either physical or mental. It obviously works or there wouldn't be 'techniques' and bad people wouldn't use it.
Mind control, brain washing, coercion...are all words for the same principles that are used to produce the results of reducing your own effectiveness and being emotionally overtaken by someone intent on doing so. The result is the victim's intense attachment to her perpetrator. This is often referred to as Betrayal Bonding or Trauma Bonding.
This is created by:
•Perceived threat to one's physical or psychological survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator would carry out the threat.
•Perceived small kindness from the captor/perpetrator to the captive.
•Isolation from perspectives other than those of the captor/perpetrator.
•Perceived inability to escape.
Mind control then produces dissociation which is a form of trance states. Dissociation is when your mind becomes overloaded and you need to 'step outside of yourself' to relieve the stress. Dissociation and trance are common reactions to trauma. For instance dissociation happens during abuse in childhood as well as adult traumas like rape. Prolonged mind control in adults will even produce trance states where adults begin to feel like they are being controlled. And they are...
If you have experienced mind control in your relationships, treatment and recovery for it includes:
* Breaking the Isolation - Helping you identify sources of supportive intervention; Self-help groups or group therapy also hot lines, crisis centers, shelters and friends.
* Identifiying Violence - As a victim in an abusive relationship, minimization of the abuse can occur, or denial about the different types of violent behavior that you encountered. Confusion about what is acceptable male (parental / authority) behavior is often common. Journal keeping, autobiographical writing, reading of first hand accounts or seeing films that deal with abuse may be helpful for you to understand the types of abuse you experienced.
* Renaming Perceived Kindness - Since abuse confuses the boundaries between kindness and manipulation, you may need to develop alternative sources of nurturance and caring other than the captor/perpetrator.
* Your Ability to Validate both Love and Terror - Because pathological often are dichotomous or have polar opposite behaviors such as kind and sadistic, there is often a split by the victim in
how they see the abuser. Treatment may need to help you integrate both disassociated 'sides' of the abuser, and will assist you in moving through the dream-like state in how you view and remember him.
In my next column, we'll continue our discussion on other forms of trance states and spell bound conditions.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Am I Under His Spell?
Time and again women allude to the mystical aspects of the pathological they are involved with. They describe it as "being under his spell," "en-tranced with him" or "hypnotized by him" even "spell bound" or "mind controlled."
Women aren't exactly able to define what they are 'experiencing' or even accurately describe what they think is occurring but they do unanimously conclude that 'something' is happening that feels like it's hypnotic'.
Beyond the 'hokus pokus' of hypnosis lies real truth about what IS probably happening in those relationships.
Trance happens to every person every day. It is a natural lull in the body when many of the systems are resting or a state we enter when tired. Blood sugar, metabolism and other natural body functions can effect the sleepy states of trance that we enter all day long.
You've probably heard of 'Highway Hypnosis.' This occurs when you have been driving and are so concentrated on the driving (or when you are getting sleepy while driving and watching those yellow lines) that you forgot about the last few miles and all of a sudden you're aware you're almost at your destination. Highway Hypnosis is trance or lite forms of self hypnosis. No one put you in that state of hypnosis -- you went in it on your own.
Check in with most people around 2 p.m. in the afternoon and you'll see lots of people in sleepy trances.
But pathology can cause people to enter trance states frequently. Pathological love relationships are exhausting and take their toll on your body through stress, diet, loss of sleep, and worry. While you are worn down and fatigued you are more suggestible to the kinds of things that are said to you in that state of mind. These words, feelings and concepts sink in at a deeper level than other ideas and statements that are said to you when you are not in a trance state.
If he is telling you that you are crazy, or gas lighting you by telling you that you really didn't see him do what you think he did, or that the problems of the relationship are because of you...those statements said to you when you are suggestible stay filed in your subconscious and are replayed over and over again creating intrusive thoughts and obsessional thinking.
If he tells you positives when you are in trance states such as "He needs you and please don't ever leave him" -- those phrases too are stored in a subconscious location working you over without your knowledge. When it's time to redirect your beliefs about him, disengage, or break up women feel like 'old tapes' are running in their heads. It's very hard for them to get these messages to stop activating their thinking, feeling, and behavior.
Women who are have strong personality traits in suggestibility and fatiguability are more at risk of trance-like states in which words, meanings, and symbols are more concretely stored in the subconscious.
Women feel relieved to find out that they really aren't crazy---it really DOES feel like she is under his spell because in many ways, she is.
More information on trance states in pathological love relationships is covered in detail in our book Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists.
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
In my next column, we'll talk about other ways that trance states can be effected in the pathological relationship.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women aren't exactly able to define what they are 'experiencing' or even accurately describe what they think is occurring but they do unanimously conclude that 'something' is happening that feels like it's hypnotic'.
Beyond the 'hokus pokus' of hypnosis lies real truth about what IS probably happening in those relationships.
Trance happens to every person every day. It is a natural lull in the body when many of the systems are resting or a state we enter when tired. Blood sugar, metabolism and other natural body functions can effect the sleepy states of trance that we enter all day long.
You've probably heard of 'Highway Hypnosis.' This occurs when you have been driving and are so concentrated on the driving (or when you are getting sleepy while driving and watching those yellow lines) that you forgot about the last few miles and all of a sudden you're aware you're almost at your destination. Highway Hypnosis is trance or lite forms of self hypnosis. No one put you in that state of hypnosis -- you went in it on your own.
Check in with most people around 2 p.m. in the afternoon and you'll see lots of people in sleepy trances.
But pathology can cause people to enter trance states frequently. Pathological love relationships are exhausting and take their toll on your body through stress, diet, loss of sleep, and worry. While you are worn down and fatigued you are more suggestible to the kinds of things that are said to you in that state of mind. These words, feelings and concepts sink in at a deeper level than other ideas and statements that are said to you when you are not in a trance state.
If he is telling you that you are crazy, or gas lighting you by telling you that you really didn't see him do what you think he did, or that the problems of the relationship are because of you...those statements said to you when you are suggestible stay filed in your subconscious and are replayed over and over again creating intrusive thoughts and obsessional thinking.
If he tells you positives when you are in trance states such as "He needs you and please don't ever leave him" -- those phrases too are stored in a subconscious location working you over without your knowledge. When it's time to redirect your beliefs about him, disengage, or break up women feel like 'old tapes' are running in their heads. It's very hard for them to get these messages to stop activating their thinking, feeling, and behavior.
Women who are have strong personality traits in suggestibility and fatiguability are more at risk of trance-like states in which words, meanings, and symbols are more concretely stored in the subconscious.
Women feel relieved to find out that they really aren't crazy---it really DOES feel like she is under his spell because in many ways, she is.
More information on trance states in pathological love relationships is covered in detail in our book Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists.
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
In my next column, we'll talk about other ways that trance states can be effected in the pathological relationship.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Living the Gentle Life Part 6
Healing Sexually
Over the past month or more we have been talking about healing from pathological relationships and what is involved in that. It requires that you face the damage that has been done and recognize any stress disorders or PTSD that you might have now from the relationship. Then it requires that you change your life in order to heal--change your environment physically and learn how to develop a life style that helps you heal emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and sexually. Today, we're going to talk about the sexual effects of pathological and dangerous relationships. (To read past issues of our newsletters about this subject, go to our website.)Last few weeks we have talked about the spiritual effects of a pathological relationship. Ironically, the sexual effects are also often spiritual effects. That's because alot of the spiritual effects have to do with attaching and bonding on many levels--including spirtually. In a spiritual sense, we have been designed to bond during sexual experiences. Especially women.
(WARNING--THIS IS GONNA GET GRAPHIC!!)....recent hormonal and sexual studies have indicated that orgasms achieved during sex, release the same brain chemicals that are released during BONDING with your baby! This phenominal aspect gives great insight into WHY it's so hard to leave a relationship even if it IS dangerous. Many of the dangerous man types are hyper-sexual--so there is ALOT of sex. Alot of sex = alot of opportunities for sexual bonding through orgasm/hormone stimulation.
Women are by nature, NOT abandoners. Those they 'attach' to or 'bond' to--they stay with. So the more bonded you feel to him, the less likely you are to leave. The more sexually attached (when often feels like spiritually attached) you are, the more confusing it is to detach.Additionally, many pathologicals who are hyper-sexual bring to the relationship alot of deviancy. For the first time in you life, you may have been exposed to sexual behaviors or aspects that you have never experienced. Since pathologicals are great at manipulation, guilt, and rewarding your loyalty, you may have been coerced into sexual behaviors that violated your own morality or normal sexual boundaries.
Perhaps pornography, sexual acts you were uncomfortable with, group sexual experiences, relationship rape, or other sexual violations. Additionally, most pathologicals in their hyper-sexuality are NOT monogamous so maybe you have acquired an STD from him.These deep soul wounds harm more than just your emotions--it harms you spiritually and infiltrates your sexual identity. Women often feel so 'perverted' in what they have experienced they feel like they have to stay with him because no 'normal' or 'healthy' man would want her after what she has 'done' in the sexual relationship with him. In some relationships, true sexual addiction may have occurred. You may feel like you are addicted to him, the sex with him, or sex with anyone. What you have experienced IS sexual abuse within the relationship. However, pathologicals have the wonderful way of making you feel like a willing participant or that it's YOUR deviancy he is responding to sexually.
Remember--they twist and pervert every aspect of truth.The sexual side effects of the relationship can contribute to your overall stress disorder or PTSD. It is an aspect that should be treated in order to re-claim your sexual identity. Untreated, your skewed sexual identity can cause you to continue to sexually act out, continue to cooperate in his sexual deviancy, use drugs/alcohol to numb out your painful feelings, cause increased PTSD symptoms/anxiety/depression or leave you despondent to stay in pathological relationships out of a sense of feeling 'dirty' or 'unworthy' of healthier relationships. It can also impact your spirtuality--driving you away from the solace and help you find in your own connection to God.
From this standpoint, the ONLY way to live a gentle life is to heal your sexual side and to see the damage done to sexuality as part of the overall picture of the after-effects of a dangerous and pathological relationship. Please talk to your counselor about the sexual effects of your relationship.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Over the past month or more we have been talking about healing from pathological relationships and what is involved in that. It requires that you face the damage that has been done and recognize any stress disorders or PTSD that you might have now from the relationship. Then it requires that you change your life in order to heal--change your environment physically and learn how to develop a life style that helps you heal emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and sexually. Today, we're going to talk about the sexual effects of pathological and dangerous relationships. (To read past issues of our newsletters about this subject, go to our website.)Last few weeks we have talked about the spiritual effects of a pathological relationship. Ironically, the sexual effects are also often spiritual effects. That's because alot of the spiritual effects have to do with attaching and bonding on many levels--including spirtually. In a spiritual sense, we have been designed to bond during sexual experiences. Especially women.
(WARNING--THIS IS GONNA GET GRAPHIC!!)....recent hormonal and sexual studies have indicated that orgasms achieved during sex, release the same brain chemicals that are released during BONDING with your baby! This phenominal aspect gives great insight into WHY it's so hard to leave a relationship even if it IS dangerous. Many of the dangerous man types are hyper-sexual--so there is ALOT of sex. Alot of sex = alot of opportunities for sexual bonding through orgasm/hormone stimulation.
Women are by nature, NOT abandoners. Those they 'attach' to or 'bond' to--they stay with. So the more bonded you feel to him, the less likely you are to leave. The more sexually attached (when often feels like spiritually attached) you are, the more confusing it is to detach.Additionally, many pathologicals who are hyper-sexual bring to the relationship alot of deviancy. For the first time in you life, you may have been exposed to sexual behaviors or aspects that you have never experienced. Since pathologicals are great at manipulation, guilt, and rewarding your loyalty, you may have been coerced into sexual behaviors that violated your own morality or normal sexual boundaries.
Perhaps pornography, sexual acts you were uncomfortable with, group sexual experiences, relationship rape, or other sexual violations. Additionally, most pathologicals in their hyper-sexuality are NOT monogamous so maybe you have acquired an STD from him.These deep soul wounds harm more than just your emotions--it harms you spiritually and infiltrates your sexual identity. Women often feel so 'perverted' in what they have experienced they feel like they have to stay with him because no 'normal' or 'healthy' man would want her after what she has 'done' in the sexual relationship with him. In some relationships, true sexual addiction may have occurred. You may feel like you are addicted to him, the sex with him, or sex with anyone. What you have experienced IS sexual abuse within the relationship. However, pathologicals have the wonderful way of making you feel like a willing participant or that it's YOUR deviancy he is responding to sexually.
Remember--they twist and pervert every aspect of truth.The sexual side effects of the relationship can contribute to your overall stress disorder or PTSD. It is an aspect that should be treated in order to re-claim your sexual identity. Untreated, your skewed sexual identity can cause you to continue to sexually act out, continue to cooperate in his sexual deviancy, use drugs/alcohol to numb out your painful feelings, cause increased PTSD symptoms/anxiety/depression or leave you despondent to stay in pathological relationships out of a sense of feeling 'dirty' or 'unworthy' of healthier relationships. It can also impact your spirtuality--driving you away from the solace and help you find in your own connection to God.
From this standpoint, the ONLY way to live a gentle life is to heal your sexual side and to see the damage done to sexuality as part of the overall picture of the after-effects of a dangerous and pathological relationship. Please talk to your counselor about the sexual effects of your relationship.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)