Joy -VS- Happiness

You were out looking for a little happiness when you stumbled upon Dr. Jekyll as he was appearing wonderful and considerate. Strangely, before you knew it, evil Mr. Hyde was instead dismantling anything that resembled happiness and leaving in it's wake, destruction and despair.

Despair is a long way from the happiness you were initially seeking. How did you get from mere happiness-seeking to a totally despairing life? How can you embrace the happiness that you set out to find?

It might not even be 'happiness' per se that you were initially seeking. You might have been looking for someone who was introspective, spiritual and existential.  But you tell me...

Happiness is external. It's based on situations, events, people, places, things, and thoughts. Happiness is connected to your hope for a relationship or your hope for a future with someone. Happiness is linked to that 'some day when I meet the right guy' or 'when he starts changing and acting right' or 'when he goes to counseling.'

Happiness is future oriented and it puts all its eggs in someone elses basket. It is dependent on outside situations, people, or events to align with your expectations so that the end result is your happiness. These expectations can be seen especially during the holidays when whether or not you have a 'merry christmas' or a 'happy holiday' depends on whether or not he is with you, shows up, isn't drunk, isn't cheating, or a list of other behaviors you expect for a 'happy holiday' experience. Unfortunately, pathology rarely obliges in that way. So when the relationship falls thru, or he isn't wonderful at Christmas, or you kick him out, or he cheats again, or he runs off with your money, or he was a con artist...then your holidays were not 'happy' and your happiness
was crushed.

Unhappiness is the result. It's a typical and inevitable result in pathological love relationships. Afterall, it's the only way it CAN turn out. There are no happy endings to pathological relationships. After Christmas and New Years, he will still be pathological and you will still have the same problems you had in November. You notice that The Institute has not written a book called 'How to Have a Happy Relationship With a Pathological.'

Chronic unhappiness leads to despair and depression. Remember the emotional roller coaster you rode with him? You were happy when he was good, and miserable when he was bad? You were hypnotically lulled into happy-land when you were with him and in intrusive thought-hell when you weren't? Your happiness was hitched to his rear end. When he was around (and behaving) you were happy. When he wasn't, your happiness followed his rear end right out the door and you were obsessing, wondering, and pacing.

Happiness is what you feel when he says the 'right romantic' stuff, buys you a ring or moves in. But happiness is not joy because joy is not external, it can't be bought and it is not conditional on someone else's behavior. In fact, joy is not contingent on anything in order to exist. You don't have to have 'him' for the holidays to have joy. Likewise, you don't have to get revenge, snoop out his short comings, tell the new girlfriend the truth or any thing else in order to have joy. You can lose in court with him, already have lost your life savings to him, watch him out with a new woman, or live out of the back of your car and still have joy.

You're probably thinking,'Sure you can have joy in those circumstances if you are Mother Teresa!' Joy is almost a mystery, isn't it? It's a spiritual quality that is internal. My mother had a lot of joy and I learned from watching her joy. Her pathological man ran off with her life savings forcing her to work well past retirement. It forced her to live simply so moved to a one room beach shack and drove a motorcycle. For cheap entertainment, she walked the beach and painted nudes. She drank cheap grocery store wine that came in a box, bought her clothes from thrift shops, and made beach totes from crocheting plastic grocery bags together. She recycled long before it was hip to do it. But what she recycled most and best was pain....into joy.

Instead of looking externally for yet another relationship to remove the sting of the last one, or to conquer the boredom she might feel at being alone...she cultivated internal and deep abiding joy. It was both an enigma and a privlege to watch this magnificent life emerge from the ashes of great betrayal.

I use her a lot as an example of someone who went ahead and got a great life and turned this rotten deal into an exquistie piece of art called her life. Anyone who spoke of my mother spoke MOST of her radiant joy. She had the 'IT' factor long before it was even called 'IT.' Women flocked to her to ask 'How did you do it? How did you shed the despair and bitterness of what he did and grow into this? THIS bright shining joyful person? What is your secret?'

Somewhere along that rocky path of broken relationships with pathological men, she learned that happiness is fleeting if it's tied to a man's shirt tails. She watched too many of the shirt tails walk out the door with her happiness tied to his butt. In order to find the peacefulness that resides inside, she had to learn what was happiness and what was joy.

The transitory things of life are happiness-based. She had a big house and lost a big house when she divorced my father. She had a big career and lost a big career when she got 'too old' according to our culture to have the kind of job she had. She had diamonds and lost diamonds.

So she entered into voluntary simplicity where the fire of purging away 'stuff' left a clearer picture and path to the internal life. When stuff, people, and the problems they bring fall away there is a stillness. Only in that stillness can we ever find the joy that resides inside of us, dependent on nothing external in order to exist. During this holiday season, this is a great concept to contemplate.

Her joy came from deeply held spiritual beliefs but it also came from a place even beyond that. Joy comes when you make peace with who you are, where you are, why you are, and who you are not with. When you need nothing more than your truth and the love of a good God to bring peace, then you have settled into the abiding joy that is not rocked by relationships. It's not rocked by anything.

It wasn't rocked as she layed dying four years ago in the most peaceful arms of grace--a blissful state of quiet surrender and anticipation. Those who were witness to her death still tell me that her death brought new understanding to them about the issue of real joy. Joy in all things....death of a dream, death of relationship, death of a body. Joy from within, stripped down, naked and beautiful.

Untie your happiness from the ends of his shirt tales...

Merry Christmas and Peace To You In This Season of Peaceful Opportunities!

From whom shall we look to understand personal and corporate pathology? Where shall our public pathology education come from?

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Triggers and Knee Jerk Reactions During the Holidays

The holidays are stressful under the best of situations. Add to it a dangerous and pathological relationships and you can have a prescription for **guaranteed** unhappiness.

The pathological relationship never lies dormant during the holidays. It's an opportunity to recontact you--of course "just to wish you a Merry Christmas." If you haven't already, do read The Institute's materials regarding our 'Starve the Vampire' teaching on no contact! He has a million hooks he will use to get you back in...here's one! Christmas!

A text message of Happy Holidays is not good cheer. It's a hook.  A Christmas Card is not a mass card to everyone--it is a targeted approach for you. A gift left on your door step isn't a thoughtful gift--it's a manipulation because being the good mannered girl you are, you'll call and thank him and then he'll have you on the phone....and it all goes down hill from there.

Then there's the mistletoe, and the date for New Years Eve, and the gift he left for your child or your parents....The holidays are one BIG OP-POR-TU-NITY for Mr. Opportunistic.

The No Contact rule still applies and he'll be testing your boundaries to see if it applies during the holidays. If it DOESN'T apply and you responded to him or sent him a text/card/call, you have just taught him where your loop hole is. You also said something very LOUD to him. You just screamed in his ear " I'm Lonely! Come snuggle with me." And you know what he's thinking, "You don't have to ask TWICE!"

Ladies, Christmas is ONE day of the year that is laced with a lot of triggering memories. Maybe from childhood where you believe "miracles happen on Christmas" or "everyone should be together then" or the sights, smells, and memories of past Christmases with him are rehashing in your mind. Don't stay stuck in that 'air brushed Christmas memory' -- how about you pull out your memory list from the other 363 days of the year and how he behaved then? One night with the twinkle of Christmas tree lights and a ribbon on a gift doesn't make a pathological man stable!

Get out of the fantasy. Christmas has a way of hypnotizing women into the fantasy of his positive behavior and his lack of pathology. Nothing changed because we hit Christmas season. It's just a BIGGER opportunity for him to hook you.

If you're still with the pathological person, they can be very sabotaging at this time of year wanting to strip every little piece of joy you could get from the season away. They get drunk, pick fights, say mean things to your family, yell at the kids, and don't participate.

Don't react. Have a great Christmas while he wallows around in that puddle of pathology.

You know one of the things we found out in our research? You ladies tested unbelieveably high in 'sentimentality'. What are the holidays all about? SENTIMENT! If your sentiment is on caffeine, what do you think it will do? Be restrained or have a knee jerk reaction because all that sentiment is coursing thru your veins?

One slip up now could cost you a year of trying to get rid of him again. Call a support person and tell them you VOW to them not to have contact this season. Then make plans to fill up your time so it's not even a possibility.

I have 'lectued' our readers about loneliness because this 4 inch stack on research sitting on my desk that you ladies filled out, tells me that you lapse and lapse and lapse again when you feel lonely. Holidays induce loneliness. Plan ahead and safe guard. "I was lonely is not an excuse for starting something that will once again destroy your life!"

Instead, do something wonderful with your kids. Get outside, take a walk, go to a movie with friends, do some scrapbooking, get some of our books to read, go to a nursing home and visit someone! Sit in a chapel alone and count blessings, walk your dog more, go to the gym! Do anything except have a knee jerk reaction to your excessive sentimentality gene!!

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Fantasy And It's Effect On Your Reality

Over the  past few months we have been talking about the power of defense mechanisms. It is unfortunately common to employ defense mechanisms that actually enhance your own emotional suffering. And of course, what we want you to employ are resources that help you recover not defense mechanisms that keep you stuck. You have suffered enough from the pathological love relationship and the last thing you need is for your own psychology to be working against you. So today we're going to
talk about 'fantasy' and how that too can effect your emotional suffering.

Eckart Tollee said "Emotional suffering is created in the moment we don't accept what is."

Women who are in relationships with pathologicals have a very strong trait of 'fantasy.' Fantasy is not just merely wishful thinking but has additional components in it that effect your here and now life. Fantasy is often associated with the future and in some ways, the past.

Here's how... women often stay in pathological relationships because they feel panic or fear of abandonment when the pathological tries to end the relationship. She ends up re-contacting or allowing re-contact because of these feelings of fear/panic/abandonment.

Abandonment is an early childhood feeling. As adults, we don't technically feel 'abandoned' although that's the feeling state we think we are having when someone leaves us. The adult feeling state is loss, not abandonment but when someone has unresolved early childhood abandonment issues, any loss will template it self on top of the feelings of abandonment. Adults are techincally incapable of being abandoned (unless you are, for instance, medically dependent.) The reason we aren't capable of being abandoned as adults is that as mentally healthy adults, we really can't be abandoned in the childhood sense. The feeling is an early childhood feeling usually associated with a time of parental abandonment. It is an age-regression feeling--something that pulls you back to your childhood or a very young emotional state. Every time I write about abandonment I will get a furious letter from someone INSISTING they are adults and they feel abandoned.  There are two categories in which adults go through intense feelings of child-like abandonment. One is if the adult has a trauma disorder and has unresolved early childhood issues from parental abandonment that have not been treated in therapy. In that case, those feelings often resurface attached to unprocessed traumatic feelings. The other intense abandonment feeings are often held by people with Borderline Personality Disorder who regularly feel abandoned.' I still maintain as a former psychotherapist, that are adults cannot be abandoned unless you are elderly, medically need care, or have cognitive disorders that require caretaking. This is not to say you don't PERCEIVE yourself as abandoned.  But if you were dropped in the middle of a city 'abandoned' you would make your way to the police department or social services and would be fed, sheltered, and given provisions. Therefore, you were not abandoned the way a child would experience if dropped in the middle of a city.

The feeling of 'ending' a relationship often subconsciously sets off childhood feelings of abandonment. These are past associations that taps into fantasy that it is happening all over again when it really isn't. The previous male in your life who did abandon you as a child (for instance) is not the same thing as a pathological leaving your adult life.

But inside, emotionally, the child feeling state is so strong that it feels like a 'hole in the soul.' The fantasy of THIS (him leaving) being the same as THAT (my parent left me) takes hold and your panic makes you go back to stop the panic or allow him back in to squelch the sense of abandonment.

Fantasy is also future oriented. Fairytales are fantasy based on "Once upon a time....and happily ever after" which is all the good stuff that 'might' happen in the future. Nothing evokes stronger fantasy thinking than the holidays which bring up either good memories of holidays past or, the total fantasy that THIS year will be the 'Once upon a time' holiday.

Women stay in relationships with pathologicals based on a lot of 'fantasy future betting' -- that is 'he might stop acting pathological, 'he might stop cheating,' 'he might tell the truth.'Fantasy betting is a lot like gambling...betting on a future that is not likely to happen with a pathological. Betting on a Normal Rockwell holiday...oh I meant 'Norman Rockwell' holiday---is fantasy betting as well.

Why? Because pathology is the inability to change and sustain consistent postive change, grow in any meaningful way, and the inability to for him to see how his behavior negatively effects others.

But women also stay in pathological relationships based on 'projected fantasies' that is, she fantasizes he will be happy with the NEXT woman and the next women will get all his good traits and none of his bad. This too is fantasy....that his pathology somehow will not effect he next woman the way it effects you. (You can't turn pathology on and off like a light switch!)

Here's some info:

Pathology Effects EVERYONE the SAME!! (Unless she's pathological as well--then who cares if he goes on to have a relationship worthy of a Jerry Springer Show?).

* Women fantasize that this 'abandonment' feeling will effect her the way the childhood abandonment did. (And it will not--just as an FYI for you).

* Women fantasize that he will be different with them. If he is trully pathological he is hard-wired. This IS his DNA.

* Women fantazie that he will be happy in the future and she is missing out on something. If he is truly pathological,his patterns don't change.

Fantasy is not related to the here and now. Fantasy is not being present in your real life to what is happening around you in this moment. Fantasy is 'out there somewhere' kind of thinking. Come back to what's real right now. List the 5 most real points about him right here:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Now stand back, step out of the childhood feelings, and look at the list with adult eyes. You can't be abandoned as an adult because where ever you go, there you are and you are all you need as an adult. You don't have dependency needs as an adult like you did as a child. To be abandoned is to be dependent on the one who is abandoning. Adults are not dependent.

Your real life is going on right NOW while you are in your head about his drama and the pathological intrigue. You are
MISSING your real life that is happening right now! Drama, obsession and intrusive thoughts are usually about fantasy--the past or the present. It sure isn't about this present moment and what's happening right now. Such as, you might be ignoring your own health, your own self care and happiness and maybe that of your children and friends because of how much time you spend in fantasy. Fantasy is telling you 'just a little longer and he'll get it and then I'll have the life I really want.'

Fantasy wants to whisper in your ear to ignore it all for a few days during the holidays when you can pretend to be that Normal Rockwell family. But on December 26th, Mr Pathology will be there in all his glittering Cluster B-ness to remind you nothing happened except a Christmas Tree.  You unwrapped a 'gift' of pathology because all you really wanted for Christmas was your pile of fantasy, right? NO! No adult really wants for Christmas 'her own psychopath.'

There is stil time to straighten out your Holiday Fantasy Thinking before December 24th.  Get a hold of it so you can enjoy a pathology-free holiday.

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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How To NOT Go Back/Hook Up During The Holidays

Last week I wrote about the "Power of Relapsing' and got many emails saying "THANK YOU for writing about it as I was thinking about going back to the relationship just so I wasn't alone during the holidays! You saved me from a disaster!"

Here's a secret: "Even if you go back, you're still alone. You've been alone the entire time because by nature of their disorder, they can't be there for you. So you're alone--now, in the holidays, or with them. With them, you have more drama, damage and danger. Your choice...."

People relapse and go back into relationships more from Thanksgiving thru Valentines Day than any other time of the year. Why? So many great holidays to fake it in! Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, V-Day....then PHOOEY! You're out. Why not be out now and stay out and save face. You're not fooling anyone...not yourself, them, or your family and friends.

Holidays are extremely stressful times. It's a time when it is more likely

* For domestic violence to occur

* For dysfunctional families to be even MORE dysfunctional

* People drink more

* People binge eat because of the stress

* Some feel pressured to 'be in a relationship' during the holidays and accept dates or stay with dangerous persons to 'just get thru the holidays'

* To overspend

* To not get enough rest

*  It's an idealistic time when people have more depression and anxiety than any other time of the year. Depression creeps in, anxiety increases, to cope they eat/drink/spend/date in ways they normally would not.

People put extraordinary pressure on themselves thinking their lives 'should be' the picture postcards and old movies we watch this time of year. You can't make a 'picture postcard memory with a psychopath or a narcissist!'

Here's a mantra to say outloud for yourself "I'm pretending that staying/going back with a psychopath/narcissist will make my holidays better."  Pretty ridiculous thought, isn't it? Something happens when you say the REAL thing outloud. It takes all the romaticization and fantasy out of the thought and smacks a little reality in your face.

"I want to be with a psychopath/narcissist for the holiday."  Say that three times to yourself out loud....

NO!! That's not what you want. That's what you GOT. You want to be with a nice man/woman/person for the holidays. As you VERY well know, they're not it.

"I want to share my special holidays with my special psychopath."  ???  Nope. That's not it either. But that's what's going to happen unless you buck up and start telling yourself the truth. It's OK to be by yourself for the holidays. It sure beats pathology as a gift.

Here's a real gift for you--some tips!

TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEALTHIER HOLIDAY

~ Stop idealizing--you are who you are, it is what it is. If your family isn't perfect, they certainly WON'T be during the season. In fact, everyone acts WORSE during the holidays. It is the peak of dysfunction. Accept yourself and others for who they are.

~ Don't feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to. Remind yourself you have choices and that the word 'No' is a complete sentence.

~ Take quiet time during the season or you'll get run over by the sheer speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy your own present now--some bubble bath and spend quality time with some bubbles by yourself. Light a candle, find 5 things to be grateful for. Repeat often.

~ Take same-sex friends to parties and don't feel OBLIGATED to go with someone you don't want to go with. People end up in the worse binds of going to parties with others and get stuck in relationships they don't want to be in because of it. Find a few other friends who are willing to be 'party partners' during the holidays.

~ Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the homeless, buy toys for kids.

~ Find time for spiritual reflection. It's the only way to really feel the season and reconnect. Go to a service, pray, meditate, reflect.

~ Pick ONE growth oriented issue you'd like to focus on for 2011 and begin cultivating it in your mind--look for resources you can use to kick start your own growth on January 1.

~ Plant joy--in your self, in your life and in others.

I am so passionate about this subject and concerned for your well being this holiday that I have made an mp3 message for you. To listen to my 15 min broadcast about protecting yourself this holiday season from relapse and hook ups, click here: http://www.howtospotadangerousman.com/Audio/Christmas2008Message.mp3
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Telling Yourself the Truth--You Don't Have to Tell Me--But At Least Tell it to Yourself...

"People, like all forms of life, only change when something so disturbs them that they are forced to let go of their present beliefs. Nothing changes until we interpret things differently.Change occurs only when we let go of our certainty. " Dee Hock

Rigorous honesty is the first rule of recovery. Nothing happens until the truth is laid on the table. Well,that ends alot of recoveries right there--the inability or even refusal to be honest, especially with yourself.

Telling yourself the truth means several difficult things:

1. It means you stop covering for him --making excuses for his behavior, quietyly and secretly LOOKING for loopholes he just might fit into (he doesn't met ALL the criteria for pathology, only 10 out of 12.Psychology COULD be wrong in his case). Instead of looking with the eyes of safety and seeing how many areas he DOES fit in, you scoure every square inch of your memory and his behavior looking for ONE redeeming trait that is suppose to wipe out the 25 absolutely pathological things he does. You aren't telling yourself the truth about 'him' and his pathology OR your own loophole hunt and what your real motives are--to find a reason to stay.  

2. You tell yourself the truth about how you need to take responsibility for your choices and your recovery.Telling yourself the truth about your own choices means you are willing to really dig in and look at where your choices in relationships have their origins. You can't change what you don't see. While you are not responsible for abuse you incurred, you are responsible for your own recovery and the safety of yourself and children. This can only occur when you begin telling yourself the truth about the level of danger you are in and the level of damage you and your children have already sustained. Taking responsibility for your recovery means that you both acknowledge the victimization AND seek to thrive beyond the mere title of 'victim.' I see so many women do part one: acknowledge the victimhood and don't do part two.They camp out in the victimhood and 10 years later, they are still in the same spot as they were before.

Recovery means movement and progress. We have to even tell ourselves the truth about our own recovery---we kick our own butts if we are stagnate or have stopped growing. Some women find their identities in their victimization because of the severe abuse and loss of self esteem. Years later some of the women have never done anything for their own recovery. They read one book and saw them-selves in it, recognized their victimhood, closed the book, squatted---and stayed there. You already lived THAT---real life is out there on the other side of recovery (even IN recovery). Tell yourself the truth about how invested you are in your recovery or what you need to really do in order to recover. If you're afraid of success---acknowledge that.       

3. Telling yourself the truth also means taking responsibility for relapses. Sometimes women secretly want to relapse. Have you had that feeling? They just want to go back to what feels 'normal' -- which is often dysfunction. It's human nature to want what is comfortable even when it's painful. That makes recovery all the more difficult because when you are tired, lonely, and sick of the pain you are in, it would be great to believe the fantasy again --wouldn't it? Just ONE night where he pretends it's gonna be good again (and even though you know it's not true and for that night you don't even really care if he's lying) and both of you know how to fake it to ward off the pain and loneliness. So there's that night of passion that has been fueled by fear and abandonment but the next day when everyone is past the fantasy, it all starts again. Then you think since you gave in, and you really don't have what it takes to end this and leave anyway--so you sigh and resign yourself to just living in the hell. Telling yourself the truth is pointing to the ways you sabotage yourself. When you are tired, lonely and sick of pain and you feel the old feelings of relapse sneaking in and your head is wanting the fantasy back---you don't pick up the phone and call someone who can remind you what reality is. You don't plan something for that evening that will help you get thru that night without sabotaging yourself. The video tape is replaying all the fragments that only show 'the good part' of the relationship. It's warm and cozy. You pick up the phone and call him or you answer when he calls. Telling yourself the truth is about how long you had planned to self sabotage.

Those are 3 REALLY HARD THINGS to hear. But they are at the crux of recovery. Trauma, fear,abandonment actually INCREASES people's feeling of attachment. The more you have been hurt by him,often the more attached intensely you will be. Those trauma bonds are hard to break and even harder to live with. Women say they want MOST to be out of pain, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts about the relationship (good and bad) but they sabotage themselves by not protecting themselves by no contact, by not managing their anxiety, by not developing a support system, by not planning ahead for sabotaging thoughts, etc.

Recovery is a life change. It's not a quick fix to get out of pain like Ativan or Xanax. Women who take a whopping 6 weeks off of dating or a few months and jump back in are shocked to find themselves right back in it--but usually with someone even WORSE than the last one. The most common factor is each man is more dangerous than the one before. That's because they think time heals wounds and if it's been a few months, SURELY it's time to date again. Recovery heals wounds. Sitting out for 5 years and doing nothing about gathering insight about your weaknesses, relationship patterns, and problems will not magically make you ready for a relationship because you waited 5 years. Time is time.

It just passes. You have to change your life in order to change your choices. Recovery, or changing your life is a new way of seeing yourself, your previous relationships, your past, your choices, your coping skills--and most importantly a future filled with different choices and healthier relationships.

I KNOW that you ladies are up to the challenge. In the 20 years that I have been doing this and kicking butts,(referred to as Sandra's Bootcamp!) I am always AMAZED at the quiet strength that grows in women as they take the chance to detach, be alone, and heal. It's your strength that has kept me doing this for this many years in the face of alot of great odds and often danger myself. But ALL of you are worth it!

If we can help you dig down into the truth for you and help you start your recovery, just let us know! We make it easy--phone sessions in the privacy of your own home and in the comfort of your fuzzy slippers! Or gather over coffee in one of our tele-support groups and meet other ladies going through it too. Or jump on a plane or in your car and go to a retreat. Whatever you do....tell yourself the truth so your recovery can start!

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Dissociation Isn't a Life Skill

"Dissociation Isn't a Life Skill" (Quote by Sandra L. Brown, M.A. )

Dissociation is described as:
1. The splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of
consciousness, as in amnesia.
2. The act of separating or state of being separated.
3. The separation into two or more fragments.

Let's talk about Dissociation a minute...it's technically a defense mechanism--we separate out of our memory things that we don't want/can't deal with. In trauma (like abuse or rape), that's helpful at the time. If dissociation becomes your major defense mechanism, it can become a full blown dissociative disorder which are very intense types of disorders. But outside of full blown dissociative disorders, there is still the ability to heavily rely on dissociation even if you don't have the disorder.

We can get trained to dissociate and use it against ourselves! Dissociation is when we separate from our awareness 'details' of an event. I think this happens with dangerous men as early as the first date when we 'choose' to not pay attention to our screaming red flags. We are dissociating their messages away from our awareness because if we truly became 'aware' we might ditch him early on and we don't want to.

Dissociation can become a primary defense mechanism if you grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive, addictive, or violent home. That's because children can easily go on 'over whelm' and check out--or dissociate because they can't handle whats going on. If you never learned adult coping skills then it's likely you use the ones you do know: which are from childhood. And if your primary ones were dissociation, then you're probably using that now, and it probably has gotten you into alot of trouble in your patterns of relationship selection.

After a while, you don't even know you're dissociating. It's just automatic. So you can dissociate away alot of IMPORTANT stuff early on: like discrepancies in his stories, his not-so-nice words he says to you, his tonality in his voice, or other behaviors that SHOULD cause you concern, but don't.

Any time we separate a memory from all it's components, you are dissociating from the complete or whole memory which is why remembering ALL the relationship issues are important--not just the good times. The bad times are a part of the memory or the memory is merely a fragment of what REALLY was going on. You can also seperate out other parts of the memory like: sensations, words or phrases, physical or sexual pain inherent in the memory, things you tasted/smelled/saw, and various emotions that were prevalent in the relationship. That's why women get these very skewed 'snap shots' of just the good times and long after those times. The whole snap shot would look very different indeed if she incorporated all the senses in the memory.

Sometimes women can dissociate or fragment off the 'meaning,' 'motive,' or 'intent' as well. So he uses all your money and your response is "He meant well, he just doesn't know how to handle money." That's not likely the situation so the motive or meaning of what he was REALLY doing is fragmented away from you so you don't have to take action. Dissociation can become an unconscious reason to stay "I didn't notice...." because underneath dissociation was naturally at work and it also 'worked' for the ability to stay in the relationship and 'not notice.'  How long can you live on the reasoning behind dissociation which is "I didn't know, I didn't notice...." which is why I say that dissociation is not a life skill. It doesn't help you move forward, it keeps you frozen in time.

Women describe dissociation as a numbing or a spacy feeling. They either don't feel something OR they are too spaced out to do much about it. In the middle of a traumatic event, spacing out and numbing is a good thing. Even as adults, I still advocate that there are times for 'therapeutic dissociation.' Like in a root canal--who wants to be 'present' and 'aware' for that? But the problem is that dissociation becomes largely un-managed. Then it becomes downright dangerous to us--robbing us of our ability to be aware, intune, and vigilant.

Look back over your childhood for patterns of dissociation. Look back over your adult relationships and see how influenced your choices were by dissociation. Look at your TODAY LIFE for signs of when you check out, become aware, drift off, or stuff feelings at the speed of light so you don't have to make a

decision about something. These are all aspects of dissociation. While it might have helped you in a time of trauma, as an adult your recovery is about growing into healthier and stronger coping skills than mere dissociation. All of real life is happening now---are you missing it?

(There is more information about Dissociation in my book 'Counseling Victims of Violence.')

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Is it Fear or Is it Anxiety? Part II

Last week we began talking about the difference between fear and anxiety. Real fear draws on your animalistic instincts and cause a sincere fight/flight reaction. Anxiety causes you to worry about the situation but you aren't likely to bolt.

Anxiety can develop as a counterfeit trait to the true fear you never reacted to. 

Gavin deBecker in the classic book 'The Gift of Fear' is a Danger Anaylst and has much to say about the preventableness of most bad outcomes. He says there is Always Always Always a Pre-incident Indicator (a PIN)  that women ignore. In my book, I call them Red Flags--the wisdom of your body that recognizes primitive fear and sends a signal to your body to react.  In that split second, you can run or you can rename it. Renaming it causes your body to react less and less to the messages it does send. Not one woman in the 20+ years I've been doing this said there wasn't an initial red flag that she CONSCIOUSLY ignored. Almost 100% of the time, the early red flags end up being exactly why the relationship ended. You could have saved yourself 3, 5, 15, 20 years of a dangerous relationship by listening to your body instead of your head!

Let's go back to more stories by Gavin....  

Dorothy says her ex-boyfriend Kevan was a fun guy with a master's degree and a CPA. "He was charming, and it never let up," Dorothy says. "He was willing to do  whatever I wanted to do."

Eventually, Dorothy began to feel that something wasn't right. "He would buy me a present or buy me a beautiful bouquet of roses and have it sitting on the table—and that was very nice, but that night or the next day he wanted me to be with him all the time."

As Dorothy shares her story, Gavin points out some of the warning signs—starting with Kevan's charm. "A great thing is to think of charm as a verb. It's something you do. 'I will charm [Dorothy] now.' It's not a feature of [one's] personality," Gavin says.

What happened next stunned Dorothy. "I was out visiting my sister in California, and he was calling me, calling me, and he asked me to marry him over the cell phone," she says. "I thought, you're kidding. I've always said I would never get married again. And I said,'That's the last time I'm going to talk about it.'"

After rejecting Kevan and coming home, Dorothy says he remained persistent. He showed Dorothy the picture of a diamond ring he wanted to buy and told her he wanted to buy a house. "And he had it all mapped out, how it was going to work for us," she says.

When Kevan refused to listen when Dorothy repeatedly told him no, Gavin says it should have raised serious red flags. "Anytime someone doesn't hear no, it means they're trying to control you," Gavin says. "When a man says no in this culture, it's the end of the discussion. When a woman says no,it's the beginning of a negotiation."

After four and a half years and many red flags, Dorothy finally broke off her relationship with Kevan. But that wasn't the end. "He kept calling me, calling me with repeated questions. What am I doing now? 'What are you going to do tonight?'" Dorothy says. "And that's when I realized I am in trouble here."

On the urging of her son, Dorothy got a restraining order on Kevan, which she says gave her peace of mind. "And that was a huge mistake," she says.

One night, Dorothy was asleep in her bed when she woke up to the sound of her name being shouted. "I turned to my left shoulder, and I saw a knife about [10 inches long]. I could see the reflection of my TV in the blade. Then I saw that he had cut off surgical gloves, and that was scary," Dorothy says. "I put the covers right over my head and curled into a fetal position and started praying. He said to me, 'Are you scared?'"

Rather than panicking, Dorothy says she got out of bed, stood up and told Kevan he was leaving. As she walked calmly out the door, he followed her to the parking lot. "So I said, 'You're leaving now,'" she says. "He turned, went down the street, and I didn't see him again." Dorothy immediately called 911, and police later arrested Kevan. He was  convicted and is serving a four-year prison sentence.

Gavin says when Dorothy stood up, spoke firmly to Kevan and walked out, she was accepting a gift of power by acting on her instincts. "Fetal position is not a position of power, but you came out of it with a great position of power. And the pure power to say to him, 'You're leaving now,' is fantastic," he says. "Of all the details in that story, the one that stayed with me the most is that you saw the reflection of your little television set on the bedside table in the knife. And what that told me was you are on—you are in the on position. … You were seeing every single detail and acting on it."

Just like ignoring your intuition, Gavin says the way women are conditioned to be nice all the time can lead them into dangerous situations. "The fact is that men, at core, are afraid that women will laugh at them. And women, at core, are afraid that men will kill them."

This conditioning and fear, Gavin says, lead many women to try to be nice to people whose very presence makes them fearful and uncomfortable. They often believe that being mean increases risk, he says, when in fact the opposite is true.

"It's when you're nice that you open up and give information, that you engage with someone you don't want to talk to," he says. "I have not heard of one case in my entire career where someone was raped or murdered because they weren't nice. In other words, that's not the thing that motivates rape and murder. But I've heard of many, many cases where someone was victimized because they were open to the continued conversation with someone they didn't feel good about talking to."

In my own book 'How to Spot a Dangerous Man' I talked about cultural conditioningand how women feel they should be polite and at least go out with them once. If you're saying yes to a psychopath, once is all he needs. Women also have HORRID and NON-EXISTING break up skills. What in the world is more important than having good break up skills? You are likely to date a dozen men in your life time and not likely to marry but one of them. What are you gonna do with the rest of them?

In this culture with all the books on 'How to Attract Men' very little is written about how to break up. Women spend more time on a Glamor Shots picture of themselves for a dating site then learning how strong boundaries can protect them.  Women who are attracted to the bad boys don't need the book 'How to Attract' -- she's already doing it. But how can she get rid of the predator she DID attract? (See our new book 'Women Who Love Psychopaths).

Women buy our books, do phone counseling, come to retreats all with a primary motive "Help me to never do this again." While you definitely need insight about your own super-traits that have positioned you in the line of fire with a psychopath, you also need most the ability to reconnect with your internal safety signal. Everything in the world we can teach you will not keep you safe if you ignore your body. Our cognitive information can not save you the way your body can. That's the bottom line. This is something you have to do for yourself.

This issue of real fear -vs- mere anxiety is of utmost importance. It has really struck me this week that we may have missed something in our discussion about PTSD and it's relationship to fight/flight reactions. Gavin helps us to see that fear happens in the moment--it's an entire body sensation--the flash of fear followed by the  intense adrenaline and fight or flight. The intensity of the body reactions usualy COMPELLS people into fight//flight.

With PTSD, I see how we have lumped more minor reactive reactions like 'PTSD induced fight/flight' with the real in-the-moment reactions of fear. I see them as different now. If women are THAT afraid of him and compelled by real fear (as opposed to worry 'He might harm me in the future but he isn't mad right now and not gong to hurt me this second) she wouldn't be with him because her animalistic reaction would be to flee.

Real fear IN THE MOMENT demands action. Our own ability to tolerate what he is doing suggests it's not TRUE survival fear. This is the difference between animialistic/survival fear and our common day PTSD-reactionary fear.

Sometimes our body has reactions to evil, or pathology. Normal psychology should ALWAYS have a negative reaction to abnormal psychology. So your first meeting with him should have produced SOMETHING in you. It may not have been the true fear reaction that COMPELLED you to run away but you may have gotten other kinds of thoughts or bodily reactions to be in the presence of significant abnormality and sometimes, pure evil. 

Listen. Your body is smarter than your brain. 

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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