by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Women who are in relationships with pathologicals test very high in the trait of 'fantasy.' Fantasy is not just merely wishful thinking. Fantasy has other components in it that affects your here and now life.
Fantasy is often associated with the future and in some ways the past. Here's how... women often stay in pathological relationships because they feel panic or fear of abandonment when she or the pathological tries to end the relationship. She ends up re-contacting or allowing re-contact because of these feelings of fear/panic/abandonment.
Abandonment is an early childhood feeling. As adults we are not technically capable of being abandoned (unless you are for instance medically dependent.) The reason we aren't capable of being abandoned as adults is that as mentally healthy adults, we really can't be abandoned in the childhood sense. That feeling is an early childhood feeling usually associated with a time of adult or parental abandonment. It is an age-regression feeling--something that pulls you back to your childhood or a very young emotional state.
The feeling of 'ending' a male relationship often subconsciously sets off childhood feelings of abandonment. These are past associations and it taps into fantasy that it is happening all over again when it really isn't. The previous male in your life who did abandon you as a child (for instance) is not the same thing as a pathological leaving your adult life.
But inside, internally, the child feeling is so strong that it feels like a 'hole in the soul.' The fantasy of THIS being the same as THAT takes hold and your panic makes you go back or allow him back in.
Fantasy is also future oriented. Fairy tales are fantasy and are based on "Once upon a time....and happily ever after" which is all the good stuff that 'might' happen in the future. Women stay in relationships with pathologicals based on a lot of 'fantasy future betting' -- that is:
• he might stop acting pathological
• he might marry me
• he might stop cheating
• he might tell the truth
Fantasy betting is alot like gambling...betting on a future that is not likely to happen with a pathological.
Why? Because pathology is the inability to change and sustain change, grow in any meaningful way, and the inability to for him to see how his behavior negatively affects others.
But women also stay in pathological relationships based on 'projected fantasies' that is, she fantasizes he will be happy with the NEXT woman and she will get all his good traits and none of his bad. This too is fantasy....that his pathology somehow will not affect HER the way it affects you. (You can't turn pathology on and off like a light switch!)
Here's some info: Pathology Affects EVERYONE the SAME!! (Unless she's pathological as well--then who cares if he goes on to have a relationship worthy of a Jerry Springer Show?).
• Women fantasize that this 'abandonment' feeling will affect her the way the childhood abandonment did. (And it will not--just as an FYI for you).
• Women fantasize that he will be different with them. If he is truly pathological he is hard-wired. This IS his DNA.
• Women fantasize that he will be happy in the future and she is missing out on something. If he is truly pathological, his patterns don't change.
Fantasy is not the here and now. It's not being present in the real life that is happening around you in this moment. It's 'out there somewhere' kind of thinking. Come back to what's real right now. List the 5 most real points about him right here:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Now stand back, step out of the childhood feelings, and look at the list with adult eyes. You can't be abandoned as an adult because where ever you go, there you are and you are all you need as an adult. You don't have dependency needs as an adult like you did as a child. To be abandoned is to be dependent on the one who is abandoning. Adults are not dependent.
Your real life is going on right NOW while you are in your head about his drama and the pathological intrigue. You are MISSING your real life that is happening right now! Drama, obsession and intrusive thoughts are usually about fantasy--the past or the future. It sure isn't about this present moment and what's happening right now. Such as, you might be ignoring:
• your own health
• your own self-care and happiness
• maybe that of your children and friends
...because of how much time you spend in fantasy. Fantasy is telling you 'just a little longer and he'll get it and then I'll have the life I really want.'
Your life is right now--not back there and not up there in the future. !
_______________________________________________________________
Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
_______________________________________________________________
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
Be Sociable, Share!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Who Does That? Part One
By Sandra Brown, MA
Part of our goal at The Institute is not only to help survivors heal from the aftermath of a PLR (Pathological Love Relationship), but it is also to help prevent future relationships with pathologicals. In prevention, The Institute helps survivors to spot overt, glaring pathology. The overt pathology is easy to identify.
• Few would argue that mothers who drown their children like Susan Smith or Andrea Yates aren’t terribly disordered.
• Those that shoot people they don’t know, or commit a drive by shooting like the Beltway Snipers Muhammad and Malvo in the Washington D.C. and Virginia areas, clearly have pathological motives.
• Those that sexually abuse children and then hide the sexual offenders like the Catholic Church, are the face of evil.
• Horrendous hate crimes that torture hundreds, thousands, or millions of people – like war crimes or the Holocaust – are easy to figure that severe pathology is behind the motivation of that type of hate.
• The deranged that break into homes to beat the elderly for money like Phillip Garrett, who terrorized those in assisted living facilities, have a notable bent of sheer brutality.
• Terrorists who commit the taking of hostages and inflict psychological torture like the infamous Stockholm Bank Robbery (resulting in the term Stockholm Syndrome) are identifiable as probable psychopaths.
• The rapist who preys on the vulnerable, or the type of rapist who rapes a wife in front of her own husband is overtly vile.
• The violent anti-socials that are frequent gang members or thugs like James Manley, who murdered my father.
• Serial killers like Ted Bundy who raped and killed at least 36 women, leave no doubt that he was the worst of the worst psychopaths.
• The ordering of killing a pregnant woman and her unborn child like schizophrenic/psychopathic Charlie Manson makes our blood run cold.
• Cult leaders who usher hundreds to death like Jim Jones, remind us of the power and persuasion of pathology.
• Chronic re-offending domestic violence abusers like O.J. Simpson and Mike Tyson convince us that all DV is not treatable, and some abuser brutality increases with each crime and are obviously disordered.
• The babbling grandiosity of narcissism, as seen in Charlie Sheen, reminds us that even the rich and famous carry and display their pack of pathology for all to see.
• The robbing of millions of dollars from thousands of people like Bernie Madoff, reminds us that not all pathology is physically violent – some do it with panache, and a tie on.
These forms of pathology are recognizable by most of society and many would agree that these people are horribly disordered, and probably dangerous for life.
But being able to spot pathology in less overt and even frequently hid, yet equally as damaging acts, is where most of us fall short—even professionals in the criminal justice and mental health systems. It’s also where survivors of PLR’s are likely to trip up, yet again, since the ‘types’ of behaviors pathologicals perpetrate can vary causing confusion to the unsuspecting, highly tolerant, and emotionally understanding survivor.
Low empathy is at the core of a cluster of pathological disorders that correlates to ‘inevitable harm’ when it crosses the paths of others. Low empathy has its roots in reduced conscience, remorse, and guilt. Without empathy, pathologicals find pleasure in harming others. While they might not cackle aloud in public when a dog is hit by a car, they no less live in the shadows of enjoying the physical or emotional destruction of others.Sadistic – absolutely, but often it’s sadistic behind closed doors, or as sheltered reputations behind factitious names, or online identities.
Why aren’t these pathological disorders better identified? That is the million dollar question since the main judicial, social, and mental systems of our society deal with this particular cluster of pathological disorders day in and day out. Why are they actively dealing with Cluster B’s? Because these disorders represent the majority of white and blue-collar crimes that cataclysmically smash in our lives even if they are never identified as crimes. The reason society has not cohesively named this cluster of disorders as the center of their focus, is each system has their own view of the ‘behavior’ associated with the pathological’s disorders.
• Law enforcement calls them the bad guys (if they are even caught)
• Mental health systems call them patients
• Domestic violence organizations call them abusers
• Batterer intervention programs call them perpetrators
• Criminal defense attorneys call them clients
• Sexual Assault centers call them rapists or sexual offenders
• Financial structures call them swindlers
• The online world calls them trolls
• Victims call them predators
• Children and adolescents call them cyber bullies
• The swindled call them con artists
• The judicial system calls them criminals (or not, if they are never identified)
• The church calls them evil or unredeemed
• The website owner calls them hackers
• The defamed call them cyber stalkers
• Parents call them pedophiles
• Jails calls them inmates
• Prison calls them high security risks
• FBI calls them targets and terrorists
As each system deals with their own view of a specific act the person has done, we miss the wide broad category that these people fall under. We miss the bigger implication of what goes with that category. We miss the fact that those who fall under these pathological disorders have largely low, or no, positive treatment outcomes. Each system dealing with a behavior, only sees the person through their own behavioral specialty. Yet, we are all talking about the same disorders in action.
When we ask ‘WHO does that?’ we immediately become brothers and sisters in the same battle against pathology. We begin to see the ‘who’ within the act, the disorder that perpetrates these same acts, behaviors, or crimes. It’s the same sub-set of disorders that have different focuses but the same outcome: inevitable harm.
How convenient for pathologicals that each system is only focused on it’s identified behavior which helps the pathological continue to fly under the radar. Instead of seeing the big picture of pathological disorders in action, the systems are focused on the sub-directory of behaviors associated with their system, and one small aspect of the pathologicals destructive nature.
When teaching on Public Pathology, I always teach about the pathological disorders of Cluster B (Borderlines, Narcissists, Anti-socials, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths). No matter who hires me to speak, they all get the training on Cluster B. I teach this to nurses, the military, to therapists (who seem to have forgotten), to the criminal justice system, to law enforcement, to judges, custody evaluators, prosecutors/lawyers, and mediators. I teach it to clergy, addiction professionals, and social workers, to victim advocates, and DV programs. I teach it to every frontline ‘system’ that is likely to be encountering various forms of behaviors that fall under the category of Cluster B, but are referred to within the systems own labeling vernacular.
All these systems have been dealing with the same disorder, with different faces, different statuses in life, different careers and titles, with money or no money, different crimes and different charges against them, different social service requests, different spiritual confessions, different storylines, different excuses, different projections of their behavior onto societal causations. But in the end, it’s the same disorder over and over again.
When I teach about Cluster B, I see the moment of ‘aha’ that comes across their faces when they recognize their own clients within this cluster of disorders. Learning the emotional, physical, psychological, behavioral, financial, sexual, and spiritual behaviors of these disorders quickly helps them to affirm ‘who’ does that. Looking across the room and seeing law enforcement, judges, therapists, and mediators all nodding in agreement rushes them into the center of reality that we are all dealing with the same disorder in our offices, court rooms, therapy offices, and pews. That, whether they are a defamer, cyber stalker, repeat domestic violence offender, a financial con artist, or a killer, we are still talking about the Cluster B of disorders.
• When asking my audience of sexual offender therapists if any of the pedophiles AREN’T within Cluster B, no one disagrees.
• When asking Batterer Intervention programs if the chronic repeaters aren’t Cluster B, no one balks.
• When asking Forensic Computer professionals if trolls, cyber stalkers, defamers or bullies aren’t Cluster B, they readily affirm it.
• Sexual Assault counselors don’t argue that rapists are largely Cluster B.
• Judges don’t rush to defend that high conflict cases (those people who file case after case, as many as 60 times to court) aren’t Cluster B.
• Mediators don’t disagree that those most likely to fail mediation are Cluster B.
• Custody Evaluators affirm that those most likely to tamper with evidence, perpetrate parental alienation, and require supervised visitation are Cluster Bs.
• Programs that deal with stalking can easily see that stalking is primarily a Cluster B occurrence.
• Repeat criminals clogging up jail, probation, parole, and prison programs are often diagnosed within jail as having a Cluster B disorder.
• Terrorists, school shooters, and bombers are easily identified as Cluster B.
• Those who stay for years and years in counseling using up mental health resources without ever being able to sustain positive change are Cluster Bs (excluding here the chronic mental illness of schizophrenia or developmental disabilities).
• Those prematurely discharged from military service are often Cluster B.
• The over use and misuse of most major societal services and systems are related to Cluster B.
• Some of the most brilliantly contrived inside trading crimes of the century has been planned and executed by Cluster Bs.
• Are there many murderers that aren’t Cluster B?
WHO does that? If we take all the behaviors listed above (and often crimes from those behaviors), put them in an analyzer funnel, and watch the behaviors clink and clunk down the spiral DSM Identifier, it would spit them out in an Axis II file with Cluster B printed on the front.
Cluster B’s behaviors are generated out of a complex interweaving of emotional, developmental, neuro, biochemical, and even genetic abnormalities. Obviously, this is not a ‘simple’ disorder or there would be less ‘inevitable harm’ associated with everyone and everything they touch, and they would be cured or even managed consistently and well.
This complicated group of disorders single-handedly sets society on edge. It keeps us in court, in therapy, in prayer, in the lawyer’s office, in depression, in anxiety, on edge, on the offense, ready to off ourselves to simply be away from such menacing (yet often normal appearing) deviancy.
Who wreaks more emotional havoc than Cluster B’s? Sixty million persons in the US alone are negatively impacted by someone else’s pathology. It drives people to therapy, to commit their own petty acts of revenge to avenge their own powerlessness, drives people to drink, to run away, to take their children and run, and sadly leads to uncountable amounts of suicides every year.
They single-handedly cause financial disruptions to the working class who are demoted, or go on disability because of scrambed-eggs for brains they now have due to too much Cluster B exposure.
It drives the legal market by keeping attorneys in business through never-ending court cases, child custody, and restraining orders.
It employs judges and prison systems. And keeps forensic computer and forensic accountants frantically busy.It funds domestic violence shelters, rape centers, and children’s therapy programs.Pathology is big business. It is what our large service systems in almost every field are driven by…the need to protect, defend, prosecute, or treat the effects of Cluster Bs.It employs threat assessment professionals to ward off stalkers and reputation defenders online programs to repair cyber attacks on people that Cluster B’s rarely even know.It employs social workers and halfway houses trying to get Cluster B’s ‘the help they need to turn their lives around.’
It drives the media of TV, radio, and talk shows. Who DO we think are often the persons on daytime TV and reality shows? Cluster B’s. WHO do the media often want to talk about in the celebrity world? The Cluster B’s. What kinds of crimes does the media flock to? The crimes often perpetrated by Cluster B’s.
It drives the medical field due to stress related disorders and diseases normal people develop as a reaction to the abnormal pathology of Cluster B.
Surely pharmacology is partially driven by medications for depression and anxiety perpetrated by the no-conscience disorders of Cluster B.It generates new products every year to track, expose and identify Cluster B’s who are hacking computers, sending viruses, or putting chips on phones and cars to invade others lives.
While clearly pathology generates jobs for many, it is still the single most destructive group of disorders that exist. And until all the major systems: judicial, legal, and mental health get on the same page about ‘Who’ does that, we will be stuck in this maze of pathologicals flying under the radar, undiagnosed, unrealized and wreaking havoc in millions of people’s lives.
Wake up Law Enforcement, Positive Psychology Therapists, Judges, Custody Evaluators, Mediators, DV Batterer Intervention, and Lawyers! Who Does That?
_______________________________________________________________
Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
_______________________________________________________________
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
Be Sociable, Share!
Part of our goal at The Institute is not only to help survivors heal from the aftermath of a PLR (Pathological Love Relationship), but it is also to help prevent future relationships with pathologicals. In prevention, The Institute helps survivors to spot overt, glaring pathology. The overt pathology is easy to identify.
• Few would argue that mothers who drown their children like Susan Smith or Andrea Yates aren’t terribly disordered.
• Those that shoot people they don’t know, or commit a drive by shooting like the Beltway Snipers Muhammad and Malvo in the Washington D.C. and Virginia areas, clearly have pathological motives.
• Those that sexually abuse children and then hide the sexual offenders like the Catholic Church, are the face of evil.
• Horrendous hate crimes that torture hundreds, thousands, or millions of people – like war crimes or the Holocaust – are easy to figure that severe pathology is behind the motivation of that type of hate.
• The deranged that break into homes to beat the elderly for money like Phillip Garrett, who terrorized those in assisted living facilities, have a notable bent of sheer brutality.
• Terrorists who commit the taking of hostages and inflict psychological torture like the infamous Stockholm Bank Robbery (resulting in the term Stockholm Syndrome) are identifiable as probable psychopaths.
• The rapist who preys on the vulnerable, or the type of rapist who rapes a wife in front of her own husband is overtly vile.
• The violent anti-socials that are frequent gang members or thugs like James Manley, who murdered my father.
• Serial killers like Ted Bundy who raped and killed at least 36 women, leave no doubt that he was the worst of the worst psychopaths.
• The ordering of killing a pregnant woman and her unborn child like schizophrenic/psychopathic Charlie Manson makes our blood run cold.
• Cult leaders who usher hundreds to death like Jim Jones, remind us of the power and persuasion of pathology.
• Chronic re-offending domestic violence abusers like O.J. Simpson and Mike Tyson convince us that all DV is not treatable, and some abuser brutality increases with each crime and are obviously disordered.
• The babbling grandiosity of narcissism, as seen in Charlie Sheen, reminds us that even the rich and famous carry and display their pack of pathology for all to see.
• The robbing of millions of dollars from thousands of people like Bernie Madoff, reminds us that not all pathology is physically violent – some do it with panache, and a tie on.
These forms of pathology are recognizable by most of society and many would agree that these people are horribly disordered, and probably dangerous for life.
But being able to spot pathology in less overt and even frequently hid, yet equally as damaging acts, is where most of us fall short—even professionals in the criminal justice and mental health systems. It’s also where survivors of PLR’s are likely to trip up, yet again, since the ‘types’ of behaviors pathologicals perpetrate can vary causing confusion to the unsuspecting, highly tolerant, and emotionally understanding survivor.
Low empathy is at the core of a cluster of pathological disorders that correlates to ‘inevitable harm’ when it crosses the paths of others. Low empathy has its roots in reduced conscience, remorse, and guilt. Without empathy, pathologicals find pleasure in harming others. While they might not cackle aloud in public when a dog is hit by a car, they no less live in the shadows of enjoying the physical or emotional destruction of others.Sadistic – absolutely, but often it’s sadistic behind closed doors, or as sheltered reputations behind factitious names, or online identities.
Why aren’t these pathological disorders better identified? That is the million dollar question since the main judicial, social, and mental systems of our society deal with this particular cluster of pathological disorders day in and day out. Why are they actively dealing with Cluster B’s? Because these disorders represent the majority of white and blue-collar crimes that cataclysmically smash in our lives even if they are never identified as crimes. The reason society has not cohesively named this cluster of disorders as the center of their focus, is each system has their own view of the ‘behavior’ associated with the pathological’s disorders.
• Law enforcement calls them the bad guys (if they are even caught)
• Mental health systems call them patients
• Domestic violence organizations call them abusers
• Batterer intervention programs call them perpetrators
• Criminal defense attorneys call them clients
• Sexual Assault centers call them rapists or sexual offenders
• Financial structures call them swindlers
• The online world calls them trolls
• Victims call them predators
• Children and adolescents call them cyber bullies
• The swindled call them con artists
• The judicial system calls them criminals (or not, if they are never identified)
• The church calls them evil or unredeemed
• The website owner calls them hackers
• The defamed call them cyber stalkers
• Parents call them pedophiles
• Jails calls them inmates
• Prison calls them high security risks
• FBI calls them targets and terrorists
As each system deals with their own view of a specific act the person has done, we miss the wide broad category that these people fall under. We miss the bigger implication of what goes with that category. We miss the fact that those who fall under these pathological disorders have largely low, or no, positive treatment outcomes. Each system dealing with a behavior, only sees the person through their own behavioral specialty. Yet, we are all talking about the same disorders in action.
When we ask ‘WHO does that?’ we immediately become brothers and sisters in the same battle against pathology. We begin to see the ‘who’ within the act, the disorder that perpetrates these same acts, behaviors, or crimes. It’s the same sub-set of disorders that have different focuses but the same outcome: inevitable harm.
How convenient for pathologicals that each system is only focused on it’s identified behavior which helps the pathological continue to fly under the radar. Instead of seeing the big picture of pathological disorders in action, the systems are focused on the sub-directory of behaviors associated with their system, and one small aspect of the pathologicals destructive nature.
When teaching on Public Pathology, I always teach about the pathological disorders of Cluster B (Borderlines, Narcissists, Anti-socials, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths). No matter who hires me to speak, they all get the training on Cluster B. I teach this to nurses, the military, to therapists (who seem to have forgotten), to the criminal justice system, to law enforcement, to judges, custody evaluators, prosecutors/lawyers, and mediators. I teach it to clergy, addiction professionals, and social workers, to victim advocates, and DV programs. I teach it to every frontline ‘system’ that is likely to be encountering various forms of behaviors that fall under the category of Cluster B, but are referred to within the systems own labeling vernacular.
All these systems have been dealing with the same disorder, with different faces, different statuses in life, different careers and titles, with money or no money, different crimes and different charges against them, different social service requests, different spiritual confessions, different storylines, different excuses, different projections of their behavior onto societal causations. But in the end, it’s the same disorder over and over again.
When I teach about Cluster B, I see the moment of ‘aha’ that comes across their faces when they recognize their own clients within this cluster of disorders. Learning the emotional, physical, psychological, behavioral, financial, sexual, and spiritual behaviors of these disorders quickly helps them to affirm ‘who’ does that. Looking across the room and seeing law enforcement, judges, therapists, and mediators all nodding in agreement rushes them into the center of reality that we are all dealing with the same disorder in our offices, court rooms, therapy offices, and pews. That, whether they are a defamer, cyber stalker, repeat domestic violence offender, a financial con artist, or a killer, we are still talking about the Cluster B of disorders.
• When asking my audience of sexual offender therapists if any of the pedophiles AREN’T within Cluster B, no one disagrees.
• When asking Batterer Intervention programs if the chronic repeaters aren’t Cluster B, no one balks.
• When asking Forensic Computer professionals if trolls, cyber stalkers, defamers or bullies aren’t Cluster B, they readily affirm it.
• Sexual Assault counselors don’t argue that rapists are largely Cluster B.
• Judges don’t rush to defend that high conflict cases (those people who file case after case, as many as 60 times to court) aren’t Cluster B.
• Mediators don’t disagree that those most likely to fail mediation are Cluster B.
• Custody Evaluators affirm that those most likely to tamper with evidence, perpetrate parental alienation, and require supervised visitation are Cluster Bs.
• Programs that deal with stalking can easily see that stalking is primarily a Cluster B occurrence.
• Repeat criminals clogging up jail, probation, parole, and prison programs are often diagnosed within jail as having a Cluster B disorder.
• Terrorists, school shooters, and bombers are easily identified as Cluster B.
• Those who stay for years and years in counseling using up mental health resources without ever being able to sustain positive change are Cluster Bs (excluding here the chronic mental illness of schizophrenia or developmental disabilities).
• Those prematurely discharged from military service are often Cluster B.
• The over use and misuse of most major societal services and systems are related to Cluster B.
• Some of the most brilliantly contrived inside trading crimes of the century has been planned and executed by Cluster Bs.
• Are there many murderers that aren’t Cluster B?
WHO does that? If we take all the behaviors listed above (and often crimes from those behaviors), put them in an analyzer funnel, and watch the behaviors clink and clunk down the spiral DSM Identifier, it would spit them out in an Axis II file with Cluster B printed on the front.
Cluster B’s behaviors are generated out of a complex interweaving of emotional, developmental, neuro, biochemical, and even genetic abnormalities. Obviously, this is not a ‘simple’ disorder or there would be less ‘inevitable harm’ associated with everyone and everything they touch, and they would be cured or even managed consistently and well.
This complicated group of disorders single-handedly sets society on edge. It keeps us in court, in therapy, in prayer, in the lawyer’s office, in depression, in anxiety, on edge, on the offense, ready to off ourselves to simply be away from such menacing (yet often normal appearing) deviancy.
Who wreaks more emotional havoc than Cluster B’s? Sixty million persons in the US alone are negatively impacted by someone else’s pathology. It drives people to therapy, to commit their own petty acts of revenge to avenge their own powerlessness, drives people to drink, to run away, to take their children and run, and sadly leads to uncountable amounts of suicides every year.
They single-handedly cause financial disruptions to the working class who are demoted, or go on disability because of scrambed-eggs for brains they now have due to too much Cluster B exposure.
It drives the legal market by keeping attorneys in business through never-ending court cases, child custody, and restraining orders.
It employs judges and prison systems. And keeps forensic computer and forensic accountants frantically busy.It funds domestic violence shelters, rape centers, and children’s therapy programs.Pathology is big business. It is what our large service systems in almost every field are driven by…the need to protect, defend, prosecute, or treat the effects of Cluster Bs.It employs threat assessment professionals to ward off stalkers and reputation defenders online programs to repair cyber attacks on people that Cluster B’s rarely even know.It employs social workers and halfway houses trying to get Cluster B’s ‘the help they need to turn their lives around.’
It drives the media of TV, radio, and talk shows. Who DO we think are often the persons on daytime TV and reality shows? Cluster B’s. WHO do the media often want to talk about in the celebrity world? The Cluster B’s. What kinds of crimes does the media flock to? The crimes often perpetrated by Cluster B’s.
It drives the medical field due to stress related disorders and diseases normal people develop as a reaction to the abnormal pathology of Cluster B.
Surely pharmacology is partially driven by medications for depression and anxiety perpetrated by the no-conscience disorders of Cluster B.It generates new products every year to track, expose and identify Cluster B’s who are hacking computers, sending viruses, or putting chips on phones and cars to invade others lives.
While clearly pathology generates jobs for many, it is still the single most destructive group of disorders that exist. And until all the major systems: judicial, legal, and mental health get on the same page about ‘Who’ does that, we will be stuck in this maze of pathologicals flying under the radar, undiagnosed, unrealized and wreaking havoc in millions of people’s lives.
Wake up Law Enforcement, Positive Psychology Therapists, Judges, Custody Evaluators, Mediators, DV Batterer Intervention, and Lawyers! Who Does That?
_______________________________________________________________
Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
_______________________________________________________________
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
Be Sociable, Share!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
REAL LOVE NOT JUST REAL ATTRACTION
by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
So many people confuse the feeling of 'attraction' with the emotion of love. For some who are in chronic dangerous and pathological relationships, it's obvious that you have gotten these two elements 'mixed up.' Not being able to untangle these understandings can keep people on the same path of unsafe relationship selection because they keep choosing the same way and getting the same people!
Attraction is largely not only unconscious but also physical. There is actually something called an 'erotic imprint' which is the unconscious part that guides our attraction. (I talked about this in the Dangerous Man book). Our erotic imprint is literally 'imprinted' in our psyches when we are young--at that age when you begin to notice and be attracted to the opposite sex. As I mentioned, this is largely an unconscious drive. For instance, I like stocky dark-haired men. When ever I see that type of image, I immediately find that man 'attractive.' I can 'vary' slightly on my attraction but I'm not going to find Brad Pitt attractive. I might forego the full 'stocky' appearance but I'm not going to let go of some of the other traits that make men appealing to me. We like what we like. For instance, I am attracted to Johnny Depp or George Clooney. I don't like any of the blondes or overly tall and lanky body types.
If you think back to what your 'attraction' basis is, you may find some patterns there as well. Attraction, however, can also be behavioral or based on emotional characteristics. For instance, some women are attracted to guys with a great sense of humor. The attraction is based on that characteristic. Other women may be attracted to athletic guys--not because of what sports do to their bodies, but because of the behavioral qualities of athletes. Attraction can be subtle--like the unconscious erotic imprinting that makes us select men based on physical attributes OR attraction may lead us to choose relationships based on behaviors or emotional characteristics like displays of empathy, helpfulness or friendliness. (I discussed your own high traits of empathy, helpfulness and friendliness in Women Who Love Psychopaths.)
Although these traits might guide our relationships selection, this is not the foundation of love. It's the foundation of selection.
Often, our relationship selection comes more from attraction than it does anything else. So knowing 'who' and 'what types' you are attracted to will help you understand your patterns of selection. Some people choose characteristics--helpfulness, humor, gentleness or another quality that they seem to be drawn to. Other people are more physical in their attraction and find the physicality of someone either a 'go' or a 'no.' Maybe you like blondes or blue eyes. This may also drive your pattern of selection.
Also in the area of attraction--sometimes it's Traumatic Attraction that seems to drive our patterns of selection. People, who have been abused, especially as children, can have unusual and destructive patterns of selection. While this may seem the opposite of what you would expect, these patterns are largely driven by unresolved trauma. People who were raised in alcoholic, dysfunctional, or abusive homes are likely to repeat those exact patterns in their selection of a partner. They often select individuals who have similar 'characteristics' to the abusive/neglectful/addicted adult they grew up with or were exposed to. The characteristics could be physical (how they look) or behavioral (how they act) or emotional (how they abuse/neglect). In any event, the unresolved abuse issues drive them to keep selecting abusers for relationships. Today, they are mystified as to why they keep picking abusive/neglectful/addicted people for relationship partners. That which remains unresolved, revolves--around and around thru our lives until it is resolved.
So, when you have no idea that attraction (good, bad, or dysfunctional) is guiding your selections, you just keep picking the same way and getting the same thing. But because the world keeps using the word 'love' you use it, too. And you label your attraction-based-choices (that are largely dysfunctional) as 'love' and then become confused about the nature of this thing called 'love.' Your attraction is NOT love. It is merely attraction. What DOES or DOES NOT happen IN the relationship may be more reflective of 'love' than anything else.
Remember the Bible verse, "Love is patient, love is kind, love does not seek it's own..."? it helps to reflect how love is 'other centered' not in a codependent and frantic needy way but in a way that helps others be interdependent in relationships. Love is often attributed to positive 'attributes' such as:
Joy - love smiling
Peace - love resting
Patience - love waiting
Kindness - love showing itself sensitive to others' feelings
Goodness - love making allowances
Faithfulness - love proving constant
Gentleness - love yielding
Self-control - love triumphing over selfish inclinations
--Source Unknown
(Now, think about if ANY of those traits described the Pathological Love Relationship? I didn't think so....)
"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims" (From: Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls).
This Valentine's Day be very clear with yourself about love and attraction. This is a time when you might be likely to want to recontact him. Let me remind you, NOTHING has changed. His pathology is still the same. And on February 15th you could hate yourself for recontacting him for one weak illusionary moment on Feb 14th--in which the world is focused on love but he is focused on manipulation, control or anything OTHER than love. If you open that door, then you will have weeks or months of trying to get him out and disconnect again.
Instead, plan ahead for your potential relapse by setting up an accountability partner AND something to do! Go to a movie with a friend; go out to dinner, so SOMETHING that takes responsibility and action for your own loneliness at this time of year. Whatever you do, don't have a knee jerk reaction and contact him. One day on the calendar about love is just an ILLUSION!
_______________________________________________________________
Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
_______________________________________________________________
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
HEALTHY LOVE - WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?
by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Since Valentine's Day was upon us, I thought it would be a great discussion about what happens in Pathological Love Relationships--- that attraction is on over-drive while love (from a pathological) is lingo-bling.
But what about real love, healthy love? People write all the time and say 'When are you going to write How to Spot a Healthy Partner because with as many bad relationships that I've been in, I can hardly tell the difference between what should be obviously toxic and what should be obviously healthy.'
The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic 'looks like' helps us to see what real 'love' should look like too.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski).
Since Valentine's Day was upon us, I thought it would be a great discussion about what happens in Pathological Love Relationships--- that attraction is on over-drive while love (from a pathological) is lingo-bling.
But what about real love, healthy love? People write all the time and say 'When are you going to write How to Spot a Healthy Partner because with as many bad relationships that I've been in, I can hardly tell the difference between what should be obviously toxic and what should be obviously healthy.'
The opposite of healthy love is what we often call 'toxic' love. Sometimes understanding what toxic 'looks like' helps us to see what real 'love' should look like too.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski).
|
Love
|
Toxic
Love
|
|
· Development
of self is first priority
|
· Obsession
with relationship
|
|
· Room
to grow, expand, desire for other to grow
|
· Security
and comfort in sameness; insensitivity of need seen as proof of love (may
really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
|
|
· Separate
interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships
|
· Total
involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests
|
|
· Encouragement
of each other's expanding; secure in own worth
|
· Preoccupation
with other's behavior; fear of other changing
|
|
· Appropriate
Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature)
|
· -
Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply"
|
|
· Compromise,
negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together
|
· Power
plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation
|
|
· Embracing
of each other's individuality
|
· Trying
to change other to own image
|
|
· Relationship
deals with all aspects of reality
|
· Relationship
is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant
|
|
· Self-care
by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood
|
· Expectation
that one partner will fix and rescue the other
|
|
· Loving
detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go)
|
· Fusion
(being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings)
|
|
· Sex
is free choice growing out of caring & friendship
|
· Pressure
around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification
|
|
· Ability
to enjoy being alone
|
· Unable
to endure separation; clinging
|
|
· Cycle
of comfort and contentment
|
· Cycle
of pain and despair
|
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then you are probably in a Pathological Love Relationship because the end result of these relationships is 'Inevitable Harm.' Let's be clear that there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. And these lessons are mostly about pathology, its permanence, and the lives it affects without discrimination.
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Why a Focused Recovery is Necessary-Beginning with a Completely Different Mind Set
Beginning 2013 in a Completely Different Mindset
Last week I began the New Year by talking about the issue of healing, recovery, and moving forward. In fact, all of January we are going to look at why starting 2013 'differently' can help you move forward in recovering from the aftermath of a pathological love relationship.
The past few years at The Institute has been a tremendous time of development. (Don't mind me as I wander down memory lane of all that has happened this year at The Institute....)
A mere two years ago the newsletter started. We now have nearly 35,000 subscribers each week. That created a snowball effect and the phone coaching began. More e-books were written. Then the CDs, mp3s, DVDs, and tele-seminars were created.
Research commenced and the Women Who Love Psychopaths book was written. The book is now in its 2nd edition. The retreat program started, we trained therapists and coaches, and started the Inpatient Treatment Center. Sandra began to do more keynote speaking at other organizations conferences including law schools and victim organizations.
All this development because of realizing how uniquely damaged you became at the hands of a pathological. All this research because of realizing there was really something to 'the temperament' of women who end up in pathological relationships. All this phone coaching, therapist training and retreat/treatment center creation because so few people 'get it' about you, him, and the mind-blowing relationship dynamics. For the FIRST time there really is a concrete program designed about you and in some ways, by you, and definitely for you.
The one thing that does stand out in the research and what I have been eye-balling closely about healing and recovery is that this level of damage by him is profound. If there were lots of 'hims' then it's even more profound. What this does to you over the long haul is take some strong, fabulous women out of the game of life by destroying you.
Untreated symptoms, get worse. Symptoms that get worse effect your life functioning and your children. Worsened effects then contaminate your partner selection. And if you do get a healthy one, you don't like him or you're too messed up from the pathological relationship to be in a healthy relationship so he leaves.
Untreated symptoms make intrusive thoughts worse so obsessions increase. Friends abandon you because they are tired of hearing about the obsessions so you isolate.
Isolation makes you at risk of recontacting him and recontacting him lowers your coping skills.
As your coping skills drop your bad habits increase (drinking, medication over use, eating, hibernating).
As your coping skills lower your fantasizing increases 'Maybe he ISN'T pathological' "Maybe he WILL stop cheating, etc.' and your minimizing begins 'At least he .....'
More contact with him increases your Post Traumatic Stress symptoms of flashbacks, fear of the future, unbridled worry, depression,and insomnia.
Is any of this sounding familiar? There is a typical decompensation pattern that most of the women go through. Recovery can stop that decompensation and begin rebuilding your life.
By December 31 of this year (2013) how many of you will be in the same situation, with the same man, having the same symptoms?
On the other hand, how many of you will be 'pathology free?' -- symptoms reduced,
a new vigor for life, insight about how this happened and how to avoid it in the future?
How many of you will be less depressed and anxious, more active, lost weight, have more friends,
have a better job, have happier children, got more self esteem so a better job or gone back to school, and have potential to have a healthy relationship...?
I'm not a resolution type person so I don't make them but I AM an advocate for complete life changes. Not tiny habits, big overhauls. Let's face it, if you have dated a narcissist or a psychopath, you NEED a big life overhaul. Something malfunctioned in your life that created this
huge blind spot under which really sick people flew into your life, camped there, and overtly destroyed you. That's not a little issue---take a look at the condition of your life and see if you think it was 'little.' Ask others if they think it was little.
2013 is going to be a great year here at The Institute--I can just feel it. We spent the last three years laying a solid ground work for super programming next year.
For the first time ever, everything is in place to heal for the women who have loved pathologicals. I believe we have covered all the bases with phone support (coaching and weekly support groups), in person coaching (retreats, 1:1s, and inpatient treatment), portable products (ebooks, books, DVDs, CDS) and community outreach through workshops in your area. We have removed the barriers to assistance by creating our program in as many formats as possible. I recently found out that the Dangerous Man book is now in almost every country of the world!
I hope in 2013 instead of being a mere name on our email list, you'll be a very active part of The Institute beginning by working on your own healing. Then we hope you will run support groups in your community, give powerpoint presentations for other women in your area, or start an advocacy group. Instead of emailing me and telling me what ELSE I should be doing (I'm tired enough!), how about you step out and be the powerhouse in your own community?
How about you take it to the streets and pass it forward? How about you turn your life around so you can be a role model to other women?
All of this begins when you start healing yourself...and moving forward.
The truth is, there is only us to educate others. You don't see a multi-million dollar ad campaign with billboards on the highways that announce how to spot pathological relationships do you? That's because it doesn't exist. Sadly, no one has funded a national campaign to warn and educate others. However, what exists is The Institute + You = Education For Others.
It's you and me, babe!
As Gandhi said 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'
Join us in 2013 for Healing Your Heart! We're here.
———————————————————————————-
Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
———————————————————————————-
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue
applicable to both genders.
———————————————————————————
Last week I began the New Year by talking about the issue of healing, recovery, and moving forward. In fact, all of January we are going to look at why starting 2013 'differently' can help you move forward in recovering from the aftermath of a pathological love relationship.
The past few years at The Institute has been a tremendous time of development. (Don't mind me as I wander down memory lane of all that has happened this year at The Institute....)
A mere two years ago the newsletter started. We now have nearly 35,000 subscribers each week. That created a snowball effect and the phone coaching began. More e-books were written. Then the CDs, mp3s, DVDs, and tele-seminars were created.
Research commenced and the Women Who Love Psychopaths book was written. The book is now in its 2nd edition. The retreat program started, we trained therapists and coaches, and started the Inpatient Treatment Center. Sandra began to do more keynote speaking at other organizations conferences including law schools and victim organizations.
All this development because of realizing how uniquely damaged you became at the hands of a pathological. All this research because of realizing there was really something to 'the temperament' of women who end up in pathological relationships. All this phone coaching, therapist training and retreat/treatment center creation because so few people 'get it' about you, him, and the mind-blowing relationship dynamics. For the FIRST time there really is a concrete program designed about you and in some ways, by you, and definitely for you.
The one thing that does stand out in the research and what I have been eye-balling closely about healing and recovery is that this level of damage by him is profound. If there were lots of 'hims' then it's even more profound. What this does to you over the long haul is take some strong, fabulous women out of the game of life by destroying you.
Untreated symptoms, get worse. Symptoms that get worse effect your life functioning and your children. Worsened effects then contaminate your partner selection. And if you do get a healthy one, you don't like him or you're too messed up from the pathological relationship to be in a healthy relationship so he leaves.
Untreated symptoms make intrusive thoughts worse so obsessions increase. Friends abandon you because they are tired of hearing about the obsessions so you isolate.
Isolation makes you at risk of recontacting him and recontacting him lowers your coping skills.
As your coping skills drop your bad habits increase (drinking, medication over use, eating, hibernating).
As your coping skills lower your fantasizing increases 'Maybe he ISN'T pathological' "Maybe he WILL stop cheating, etc.' and your minimizing begins 'At least he .....'
More contact with him increases your Post Traumatic Stress symptoms of flashbacks, fear of the future, unbridled worry, depression,and insomnia.
Is any of this sounding familiar? There is a typical decompensation pattern that most of the women go through. Recovery can stop that decompensation and begin rebuilding your life.
By December 31 of this year (2013) how many of you will be in the same situation, with the same man, having the same symptoms?
On the other hand, how many of you will be 'pathology free?' -- symptoms reduced,
a new vigor for life, insight about how this happened and how to avoid it in the future?
How many of you will be less depressed and anxious, more active, lost weight, have more friends,
have a better job, have happier children, got more self esteem so a better job or gone back to school, and have potential to have a healthy relationship...?
I'm not a resolution type person so I don't make them but I AM an advocate for complete life changes. Not tiny habits, big overhauls. Let's face it, if you have dated a narcissist or a psychopath, you NEED a big life overhaul. Something malfunctioned in your life that created this
huge blind spot under which really sick people flew into your life, camped there, and overtly destroyed you. That's not a little issue---take a look at the condition of your life and see if you think it was 'little.' Ask others if they think it was little.
2013 is going to be a great year here at The Institute--I can just feel it. We spent the last three years laying a solid ground work for super programming next year.
For the first time ever, everything is in place to heal for the women who have loved pathologicals. I believe we have covered all the bases with phone support (coaching and weekly support groups), in person coaching (retreats, 1:1s, and inpatient treatment), portable products (ebooks, books, DVDs, CDS) and community outreach through workshops in your area. We have removed the barriers to assistance by creating our program in as many formats as possible. I recently found out that the Dangerous Man book is now in almost every country of the world!
I hope in 2013 instead of being a mere name on our email list, you'll be a very active part of The Institute beginning by working on your own healing. Then we hope you will run support groups in your community, give powerpoint presentations for other women in your area, or start an advocacy group. Instead of emailing me and telling me what ELSE I should be doing (I'm tired enough!), how about you step out and be the powerhouse in your own community?
How about you take it to the streets and pass it forward? How about you turn your life around so you can be a role model to other women?
All of this begins when you start healing yourself...and moving forward.
The truth is, there is only us to educate others. You don't see a multi-million dollar ad campaign with billboards on the highways that announce how to spot pathological relationships do you? That's because it doesn't exist. Sadly, no one has funded a national campaign to warn and educate others. However, what exists is The Institute + You = Education For Others.
It's you and me, babe!
As Gandhi said 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'
Join us in 2013 for Healing Your Heart! We're here.
———————————————————————————-
Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
———————————————————————————-
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue
applicable to both genders.
———————————————————————————
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Finding Effective Help in 2013!
By now, if you have been trying to heal from a pathological love
relationship and can't find effective and knowledgeable counseling, you
have probably figured out what we have...that the pathological love
relationship is NOT widely understood.
Frustrated women hear unhelpful advice from family, friends, and even therapists who label their attachment to pathological men as 'codependent' or 'mutually addictive' or merely 'emotional abuse.' Women jump from counselor to counselor, and from one group counseling experience to another group counseling experience looking for someone, ANYONE, who understands this intense attachment to a dangerous and pathological man.
She looks for some understanding at 'what' is wrong with him. Giving him the label of 'abuser' doesn't quite cover the extensive array of the brilliant psychopathic tendencies he possesses. Why did he target HER? Why does she feel both intense attachment and loathing for him at the same time? Why do her symptoms resemble 'mind control' more than mere abused woman syndrome? Why is the bonding with this man more intense and unshakable than any other man? Is it abuse if he never physically harms her but has the mental infiltration of a CIA operative?
What we are finding out from our research with those who have been in pathological love relationships is that all of the usual dynamics in regular relationships, both functional and the occasional dysfunctional DON'T apply to pathological relationships. All of the usual dynamics of addictive relationships, codependent relationships and dysfunctional relationships DON'T apply to the pathological relationship, either. No wonder women can't find the help they need...it hasn't been taught YET! Our research is pointing towards women who DON'T fit into the stereotypes of women we normally see in shelters, counseling centers, and in other abusive situations. These are not women who have the kinds of histories we normally associate with abuse, nor do they have the kinds of current lives that fit the demographics of most counseling programs and shelters. Their personality traits and behaviors fit no other 'typologies.' And, their current symptoms don't match the simply 'dysfunctional-type' love relationship.
Could it be that the dynamics in pathological love relationships really ARE different than other types of relationships? Could this be why women in these types of relationships aren't helped by more prevalent types of intervention offered to other types of abusive relationships? Why does the Power & Control Wheel model seem ineffective with these types of women? Why are these women LESS likely to seek traditional counseling? And if they do, why are they less likely to be helped by it? Why are these women's personality traits so vastly different than shelter women, or abused women?
Too many women have been through the ringer of counselors 'not-understanding-psychopathology,' family 'lumping-all-relationship-types-together,' friends saying-'just-get-over-it' and counseling-programs 'telling-her-she's-just-codependent'. Too many women have stopped seeking help because they are tired of too many people 'not getting it.' Psychology has to allow itself to grow beyond a one-size-fits-all approach when dealing with women emerging from pathological love relationships, because all relationships are not created equal - especially when one of them is pathological. Not understanding the effects of pathology on relationships, self-concept, and recovery deters a woman's ability to heal. Understanding the DIFFERENCES in these types of relationships is critical.
The Institute has developed programs and materials exactly for this reason. We developed our telephone coaching program for women in immediate need of validation of their experiences, our retreat programs are specifically geared to 'Healing the Aftermath of the Pathological Love Relationship,' our Therapist Affiliate Program training which provides other therapists nationwide the clinical training to help women heal from these types of relationships, and our 40 plus products all developed to teach pathology and its related issues to others.
Why? Why all the effort in treatment related issues? Because the absence of trained counselors is screamingly evident. Our mailing list asks the question week after week, 'Can you recommend someone in Florida, Michigan, the United Kingdom, Canada, California, Oregon...who can help...? Why don't counselors understand this? Why can't anyone explain to me what is going on? If one more counselor or family member suggests I am codependent or a relationship addict, I'm going to scream!' Why is this so hard to understand?
Much like the beginning phases of the addiction field, the pathological love relationship field is feeling the same phase of misunderstanding that other theories of counseling have encountered. When the field is new or the knowledge is groundbreaking, there is an overt lack of trained responders. Unfortunately, those who suffer the new phases are the victims/survivors that wish there were more trained service providers.
The Institute operates as a public education project on psychopathological issues, which means we try to train anyone and everyone in the issues of pathology. This includes the women in the relationships AND those who are likely to be emotional supports to women recovering from these relationships. Please bear with what entails, as an entirely new and emerging field of psychology is trying to race to catch up to the knowledge of what is needed for this particular population of people. After all, until we began our research and writings, no one had even bothered to study the female partners of psychopaths and partners of other pathological types. No one created research projects to study the personality traits, histories, and chronic vulnerabilities of women who have been in these relationships. So, to that degree, we are virginal in our exploration of these issues.
At The Institute, we try to be immediately responsive to the needs of individuals. In the last year we have exploded in growth in our outreach:
• Our weekly newsletter continues to reach more and more people
• The blogs we write for websites such as Psychology Today and Times Up! help to reach an even larger audience with the educational value of our expertise
• Our books, CDs, DVDs are international
• Expanded retreat format, and private1:1's with Sandra and Jennifer
• Telephone coaching has doubled in size
• Weekly teleconferencing support groups
• Therapist Training Programs
All are born out of our desire to reach YOU! As needs are repeatedly identified by our mailing list, we try to quickly ascertain how to develop a program to meet the needs presented. That's because we recognize that the services available out there are slim. We provide what we can, knowing that we are a drop in the bucket to the needs that exist--but an ever needed drop to a thirsty population. So unless we duplicate ourselves through products and services, many women will go untreated.
I know for many women who are struggling to recover from the diabolical aftermath of a pathological relationship that it seems that too few services exist. Please remain hopeful that along with The Institute there are other therapists and agencies that hear your cry and are reaching out for training so they can help you recover. We too, are always looking at how we can expand our scope and reach. If you have ideas about how we can help you further, please let us know your thoughts.
In the meantime, if our coaching programs can be of assistance please use them. Or if you are a therapist, please come to our trainings. If you are a survivor, we would love for you to bring healing to yourself through our phone coaching, support groups, or retreats. The fact is, the more we learn, the more we can teach. But we can only do so much. One agency like ours can't heal the world. But we can teach what we know and assist in healing those who come for help, which is why we are always encouraging therapists to get trained. Don't lose heart that there are few services that understand your unique situation with a pathological. Remain hopeful that in a new field of psychology, we are growing as fast as we can!
Watch with us vigilantly, as we see this new field of psychology emerge and expand! Please let 2013 be the year of healing for you. We've worked hard so that you have many of our resources that can help you move forward.
Much healing to you in 2013!
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Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue
applicable to both genders.
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Frustrated women hear unhelpful advice from family, friends, and even therapists who label their attachment to pathological men as 'codependent' or 'mutually addictive' or merely 'emotional abuse.' Women jump from counselor to counselor, and from one group counseling experience to another group counseling experience looking for someone, ANYONE, who understands this intense attachment to a dangerous and pathological man.
She looks for some understanding at 'what' is wrong with him. Giving him the label of 'abuser' doesn't quite cover the extensive array of the brilliant psychopathic tendencies he possesses. Why did he target HER? Why does she feel both intense attachment and loathing for him at the same time? Why do her symptoms resemble 'mind control' more than mere abused woman syndrome? Why is the bonding with this man more intense and unshakable than any other man? Is it abuse if he never physically harms her but has the mental infiltration of a CIA operative?
What we are finding out from our research with those who have been in pathological love relationships is that all of the usual dynamics in regular relationships, both functional and the occasional dysfunctional DON'T apply to pathological relationships. All of the usual dynamics of addictive relationships, codependent relationships and dysfunctional relationships DON'T apply to the pathological relationship, either. No wonder women can't find the help they need...it hasn't been taught YET! Our research is pointing towards women who DON'T fit into the stereotypes of women we normally see in shelters, counseling centers, and in other abusive situations. These are not women who have the kinds of histories we normally associate with abuse, nor do they have the kinds of current lives that fit the demographics of most counseling programs and shelters. Their personality traits and behaviors fit no other 'typologies.' And, their current symptoms don't match the simply 'dysfunctional-type' love relationship.
Could it be that the dynamics in pathological love relationships really ARE different than other types of relationships? Could this be why women in these types of relationships aren't helped by more prevalent types of intervention offered to other types of abusive relationships? Why does the Power & Control Wheel model seem ineffective with these types of women? Why are these women LESS likely to seek traditional counseling? And if they do, why are they less likely to be helped by it? Why are these women's personality traits so vastly different than shelter women, or abused women?
Too many women have been through the ringer of counselors 'not-understanding-psychopathology,' family 'lumping-all-relationship-types-together,' friends saying-'just-get-over-it' and counseling-programs 'telling-her-she's-just-codependent'. Too many women have stopped seeking help because they are tired of too many people 'not getting it.' Psychology has to allow itself to grow beyond a one-size-fits-all approach when dealing with women emerging from pathological love relationships, because all relationships are not created equal - especially when one of them is pathological. Not understanding the effects of pathology on relationships, self-concept, and recovery deters a woman's ability to heal. Understanding the DIFFERENCES in these types of relationships is critical.
The Institute has developed programs and materials exactly for this reason. We developed our telephone coaching program for women in immediate need of validation of their experiences, our retreat programs are specifically geared to 'Healing the Aftermath of the Pathological Love Relationship,' our Therapist Affiliate Program training which provides other therapists nationwide the clinical training to help women heal from these types of relationships, and our 40 plus products all developed to teach pathology and its related issues to others.
Why? Why all the effort in treatment related issues? Because the absence of trained counselors is screamingly evident. Our mailing list asks the question week after week, 'Can you recommend someone in Florida, Michigan, the United Kingdom, Canada, California, Oregon...who can help...? Why don't counselors understand this? Why can't anyone explain to me what is going on? If one more counselor or family member suggests I am codependent or a relationship addict, I'm going to scream!' Why is this so hard to understand?
Much like the beginning phases of the addiction field, the pathological love relationship field is feeling the same phase of misunderstanding that other theories of counseling have encountered. When the field is new or the knowledge is groundbreaking, there is an overt lack of trained responders. Unfortunately, those who suffer the new phases are the victims/survivors that wish there were more trained service providers.
The Institute operates as a public education project on psychopathological issues, which means we try to train anyone and everyone in the issues of pathology. This includes the women in the relationships AND those who are likely to be emotional supports to women recovering from these relationships. Please bear with what entails, as an entirely new and emerging field of psychology is trying to race to catch up to the knowledge of what is needed for this particular population of people. After all, until we began our research and writings, no one had even bothered to study the female partners of psychopaths and partners of other pathological types. No one created research projects to study the personality traits, histories, and chronic vulnerabilities of women who have been in these relationships. So, to that degree, we are virginal in our exploration of these issues.
At The Institute, we try to be immediately responsive to the needs of individuals. In the last year we have exploded in growth in our outreach:
• Our weekly newsletter continues to reach more and more people
• The blogs we write for websites such as Psychology Today and Times Up! help to reach an even larger audience with the educational value of our expertise
• Our books, CDs, DVDs are international
• Expanded retreat format, and private1:1's with Sandra and Jennifer
• Telephone coaching has doubled in size
• Weekly teleconferencing support groups
• Therapist Training Programs
All are born out of our desire to reach YOU! As needs are repeatedly identified by our mailing list, we try to quickly ascertain how to develop a program to meet the needs presented. That's because we recognize that the services available out there are slim. We provide what we can, knowing that we are a drop in the bucket to the needs that exist--but an ever needed drop to a thirsty population. So unless we duplicate ourselves through products and services, many women will go untreated.
I know for many women who are struggling to recover from the diabolical aftermath of a pathological relationship that it seems that too few services exist. Please remain hopeful that along with The Institute there are other therapists and agencies that hear your cry and are reaching out for training so they can help you recover. We too, are always looking at how we can expand our scope and reach. If you have ideas about how we can help you further, please let us know your thoughts.
In the meantime, if our coaching programs can be of assistance please use them. Or if you are a therapist, please come to our trainings. If you are a survivor, we would love for you to bring healing to yourself through our phone coaching, support groups, or retreats. The fact is, the more we learn, the more we can teach. But we can only do so much. One agency like ours can't heal the world. But we can teach what we know and assist in healing those who come for help, which is why we are always encouraging therapists to get trained. Don't lose heart that there are few services that understand your unique situation with a pathological. Remain hopeful that in a new field of psychology, we are growing as fast as we can!
Watch with us vigilantly, as we see this new field of psychology emerge and expand! Please let 2013 be the year of healing for you. We've worked hard so that you have many of our resources that can help you move forward.
Much healing to you in 2013!
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Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue
applicable to both genders.
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Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Happiness -VS- Joy Part II
Last week I began talking about the issue of happiness and how happiness is hinged on external conditions such as relationships, things, careers, stuff....Our happiness is largely conditional based on if things go the way we think they should go and if people act the way we think they should act.
This leaves alot of our own happiness tied to someone else's shirt tails and when he leaves, your happiness goes right out the door with him. Last week I got to tell some fun stories about my mom and her concepts of happiness.
What I talked about regarding my mom is her 'joy' which was far different than her happiness. She wasn't always happy. My father was murdered. That certainly did not bring happiness. Her 2nd husband stole her life savings and was a sociopath. No happiness there. Her last 'main squeeze' in her life died of prostrate cancer--a lot of sadness there. Yet, my mother was unusually 'joyful.'
Because joy has to do with the quality of US, not them. It's a me factor, not a him, or them, factor. Happiness may be external but joy is internal and in many ways eternal. It imminates from within us and can exist even when the external cirucmstances of our lives 'suck.'
Joy can be infectious and can touch others when how we are has nothing to do with who we are with. It's a barometer reading of how we are doing with ourselves and in our own spiritual development. It reminds us how we are doing with managing our own outlook, optimism, and future. We may not have control over what he's doing, who he's doing, or how he's doing but we do have control over how we choose to see our circumstances. This is the essence of internal joy--managing the world view from the inside instead of taking your emotional temperature based on how well he's behaving. How I am or how my joy is can't be taken by a thermometer from his mouth. It has to be taken from our internal and eternal wellbeing.
When you are finally able to shift your focus of 'where' and 'how' joy is created, it is a mind blowing change. Because you no longer hold tight to the reins of external control---I'll be happy when someone else does this_________. You are able to refocus on finding joy in your life, just the way it is, with yourself and all your warts. In fact, over the past couple years I wrote about this regarding Viktor Frankel a jewish psychiatrist who went thru the Holocaust and developed what is now called 'Existential Psychology' which is finding meaning in pain AND taking control of how you see what you have lived thru.
If all pain is bad then there is no gift in it. If there is no gift there is no learning. If there is no learning there is no opportunity to transform it. If you can't transform it, you are it's victim.
Joy comes from right perspective when we tweak how we see ourselves, our lives, and the lessons of our lives. When life is a spiritual walk not just a relationship destination, we are able to see the lessons as part of the journey and the OPTION of having joy even in the midst of a unplanned disaster like a pathological relationship. Joy is like a new eye glass prescription--it clears up and crisps up how we see who we are on this journey and path of life even while in pain.
Your pain does not have to define you. That's your choice. You are more than your pain. And so is your life!
If we can help you in 2012 move forward in your joy, please consider joining us for the ONLY TWO retreats we are doing in 2012. February and March. Contact us for more information.
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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