The month of May
marks my fairly “official” date (at least in my mind) in which I was thrust
into the field of pathology—totally without consent, without warning, and
without return to the normal life I knew before May 13, 1983. That was the day my father bled out in a
grungy gutter in Cincinnati just outside his jazz club after a psychopath
plunged a knife into his aorta. I was
initiated into a victim-hood that would turn my life and career in a direction
I hadn’t much interest in before that particular day.
Much like pathology
in anyone else’s life, you don’t get to choose how it plays out in your
life. The best you can do is to learn
how to ride the rollercoaster that goes along with the serious group of
disorders in pathology—as I have done.
Thirty-plus years later, I still feel like I am just skimming the
surface of what can, and should, be done in education, awareness, survivor
services, and advocacy in dealing with pathology. Thousands of pages of writing
books, newsletters, websites, workbooks, e-books, quizzes, hours and hours of
lectures ad nauseum, over a thousand hours in broadcasts, both radio and
television, stacks of CDs and DVDs created—and still we are in the infancy of a
new understanding about pathology. It is
the virtual edge of just beginning what someday will be a momentous marker that
shows when the world turned a corner for a better and very public understanding
of pathology.
We’re not there yet
but the day IS coming. Every new blog that goes up, every newsletter, every
website, every talk, every social networking post, every private moment of
knowledge shared with another victim, every coaching session, every class
taught, every therapy hour, every group gathering, every prayer muttered, every
radio show aired, every celebrity living it and bringing it to notice, every TV
show featuring it, every newspaper or women’s magazine article taunting it is
another message to another ear that has heard the message. You learned it
because someone cared enough to make sure you learned it.
Every May 13th,
for the past 30+ years, I have halted my existence to remember that
life-altering second when my life went from being a normal everyday life to a
life of being a family member of a homicide victim. This is when my reality was
ripped through by pathology—a disorder so conscienceless that altering history
is just another day in the lives of the pathological. While my pathology story includes a brutal
ending, yours, no less, includes something similar—all the things lost in a
moment of deep betrayal—the kind of betrayal that only pathology can bring.
If I don’t brighten
up this newsletter, I’ll get complaints about “too much reality” or “too much
negativity” so, I will say this—while none of us choose to become survivors at the hands of very disordered
pathological individuals, what we do with
what we were dealt is up to us. Every so
often I like to send a message to you that encourages you to “pass it forward”. Whatever you have learned from the magazine’s
website, newsletters, radio shows, blogs, or the books, is probably more than
the woman who is sitting next to you knows.
You don’t need to wait until you understand
it more by taking a class, getting a degree, reading another one of our books, attending
a retreat, or taking our coach training—that doesn’t help the women you sit
next to at work. The knowledge in your head is life-saving to her. Next year, when you are better trained, isn’t
the time to share what you know—today is!
If we want to move
from living on the virtual edge of changing pathology education in the world,
we have to open our mouths and tell what we know. Every pathological hopes you DON’T do this! They
hope you keep what you know to yourself. So many women that have shed so many
tears have said, “If I had only known … I would have left earlier, I wouldn’t
have left my children with him, I wouldn’t have _______.”
Every May is a time
I renew my commitment to what changed me. Every May I bother people with my
message and prod them and push them to make victims’ rights and survivor
education important in the world. If I
don’t, the image of my dad laying in that gutter haunts me. His death should never
have been for nothing—and as long as people have been helped, it hasn’t.
Frankie Brown, by his death, has touched so many lives through the message of
psychopathy. You’re one of them! Help me
celebrate my father’s death anniversary in a way that brings meaning and hope
to many. Today, tomorrow, next week, next month—share what you know with just
ONE person—someone that you have felt in your gut needs to know about the
permanence and the pain of pathological relationships. Then email me and say “I
passed it forward” so I can count up how many people have celebrated Frankie!
If this message has offended
you, I’m sorry. Pathology has offended my entire life. Thank you for growing in
the knowledge of pathology so you are prepared for the day when you can give
someone the life-changing information that you’ve come to know!
(**If
we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The
Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for
survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about
pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information).
