Over and over, women are shocked to find out how badly they
feel about leaving a dangerous/pathological man. As horrendous as the
relationships has been, as hurt as they have become at his hands, and with the
emotional/physical/financial/sexual/spiritual cost it takes to heal… “Why in
the world am I so sad and in so much grief?”
One of the things we have discovered from our research
project (Women Who Love Psychopaths) is that ‘loving’ a pathological (not just
a psychopath, but any person with a pathological disorder), seems to involve having
a very intense attachment to the relationship. Most women report that ‘loving’
them is nothing like anything else they ever experienced. They indicate that
it’s more intense than other relationships, there are more mind games that keep
them very confused and unable to detach, and a kind of hypnotic mesmerizing
that keeps them in the relationship LONG after they know they should have left.
Because of this intense bonding, mental confusion,
pathological attachment and a hypnotic connection, the woman’s grief is likely
to be HUGE. This is often confusing to her because she has suffered so much
damage by the time she leaves that she thinks she should be ‘relieved’ to
simply be out of the relationship. But when the paralyzing grief mounts, she is
aggravated with herself for being in so much pain and grief over the ending of
something so ‘sick’ to her.
Lots of women are confused as to ‘who’ or ‘what’ it is they
are actually grieving over. Grief can seem so ‘elusive’—a haunting feeling that
is like a grey ghost but can’t be nailed down to actually ‘what’ the loss is.
The end of any relationship (even a pathological one) is a
loss. Within the ending of the relationship is a loss of many elements. There
is a loss of the ‘dream’ of partnership or togetherness, the loss of a shared
future together, as well as the loss that maybe he would someday ‘get it
together’ or actually ‘love you.’ When the relationship ends, so does the dream
of being loved (even if he is technically not capable of truly loving anyone).
There is a loss of your plans for the future—maybe that was buying a home,
having children, or taking a big trip. There is the loss of shared parenting
(if that occurred), loss of income, loss of being touched or held, loss of sex.
Although a lot of women may actually see a lot of these
hopes and dreams as ‘illusions,’ it still constitutes a loss and women are
often surprised at the kinds of things they find themselves grieving over.
Some women lose their pets in the breakup, or their house or
career. Some lose their children, their friends, her relatives or his. Some
have to relocate to get away from him because of his dangerousness, so they
lose their community, roots, and home.
No matter what it is you perceive you no longer have… it’s a
loss—and when you have loss you have grief. People spend a lot of time trying
to stay on the perimeter of grief—trying to avoid it and stay away from the
pain. But grief is the natural way to resolve conflict and loss. It’s the
body’s way of ridding the mind and soul of ongoing pain. It’s an attempt at rebalancing
one’s mind and life. Grief is a natural process that is given to you as
a pain management tool. Without grief there would never be a way of moving
through pain. You would always just remain stuck in the feelings and you would
always feel the same.
Don’t avoid grief. While no one likes grief it’s important to allow yourself to feel the feelings
and the pain. To suppress it, deny it, or avoid it will mean you will never
work through it. I don’t know anyone who wants
to live in this kind of pain. There is
only one way through the pain of grief and that’s through the middle of it.
There are no shortcuts, quick routes or other ways ‘around’ the pain and grief.
There is only through it—like a wilderness. But on the other side of it is the
promise of healing, hope and a future.
Don’t judge your grief. What hurts, hurts. Even if it
doesn’t make sense to you (he was horrible, why am I grieving HIM?)—it’s your
body’s way of moving through it, so let it. Get help if
you need it—counseling, group, medication, a grief group—whatever it is you
need.
Don’t set a predetermined ‘time’ that you think you should
be ‘over it.’ It probably takes longer than you think it will or you want it
to. But that’s how it is—grief takes its time.
Grief can look like depression, anxiety, PTSD or a lot of
other types of symptoms and sometimes it’s hard to know where one starts and
the other one ends. That’s because you oftentimes aren’t having one or the other,
you are having some of both.
Journal your losses, talk about them, tell others, get help
when you need it. (We’re here too!!) Most of all, know that grief is a God-sent
natural way of working through the pain so you can move on.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please
let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based
services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information
about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also
available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for
more information.)
