Soul Tearing
The last few weeks we have been talking about the necessity of living a
gentle life if you are recovering from a pathological relationship. The
damage it does to a person is profound and many are often diagnosed with
a chronic stress disorder OR Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
These disorders respond best to a 'gentle life' that allows the body,
mind, and spirit to rest from the overload of adrenaline and stress it
has experienced in the pathological relationship. (Read our previous
newsletters about this topic listed on our website.)
We have talked about physically how to 'adjust' your environment if you
have a stress disorder and we also talked about the emotional
effects---anxiety, depression, and other aftermath effects associated
with PTSD. Today, we are going to talk about the spiritual effects.
Dangerous and pathological relationships violate at a deep soul level.
That's because it touches on the core building blocks of our concepts
about relationships--Trust, Love, and Hope. Deception is evil and sick
and when you realize 'who/what' you have been with, there is a violation
that cuts to the deepest part of a person: their spirit. Because of
this, I devoted a portion of the Women Who Love Psychopaths book to the
subject of spiritual evil and it's correlation to some of the symptoms
associated with pathology. There's an interesting chart in the chapter
that connects psycho-spiritual evil.
Often these kinds of pathological relationships have already 'played
into' your soul connection...leading you down the path of believing that
your 'connection' was spiritual in nature. There were probably lots of
promises of the 'life together' and all the 'reasons God brought you two
together.' In the end, they were lies but before you knew they were
lies, they were HOPES.
~ "Hope is the thing with wings, that perches in the soul." ~ (Emily Dickinson)
So many pathological relationships have "an intense attachment" that
feels like 'connection' or 'passion' when in reality it is just the
intense game of the 'pathological' sucking you in and hoping you will
confuse intensity with something healthy.
But Hope, Love, and Trust are all core spiritual values and when you
have invested those core values and beliefs in someone and then the
heinous deception is revealed that the 'goal' of the relationship was to
manipulate you all along, something 'rips' inside of you. This 'soul
tearing' brings a spiritual skeptisim, a distrust that permeates
everything you EVER believed...sometimes even about God. It's a
disastrous wound to your 'world view' and how you see yourself, others,
God, and the world at large.
These mortal wounds to your world view can last a long time because, in
effect, they are the ways you have come to 'believe' about yourself (I
can't trust my intuition), others (everyone is evil), the world (it's a
sick place) and God (He didn't protect me). This profound shift in your
world view can increase the symptoms of PTSD--depression, anxiety,
alienation, loneliness, isolation, and a fear or dread of the future.
So often the spiritual effects of the dangerous relationship are
overlooked both by the victim and by the therapist. This 'world view'
earth quake has shaken the foundation of your belief system. Without
repair to the foundation from which you build your self concept, healing
is limited to only symptom management. Spiritual healing of your world
view is paramount to your overall recovery.
I have created a 15 minute audio (mp3) "Spiritual Effects' that goes
into more detail about healing your world view and the spiritual effects
of pathological. I think the audio will greatly help your understanding
of WHY this part of yourself MUST be healed as well and how the
unhealed aspects can impact depression, anxiety, reaching out to others,
and your future relationships. (LINK TO MP3)
Also, if you are in counseling, please allow your counselor to listen to
the mp3 too. This will help them address these issues with you in
counseling. This is an area so often 'under treated' by other
counselors. I teach on this aspect a lot at professional conferences and
therapists are eager to understand this aspect of spiritual side
effects and it's impact on chronic stress disorders.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental
health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have
the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our
readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most
likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and
encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to
encompass the issues we discuss only from a female
perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental
health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Living The Gentle Life Part 4
Creating a Gentle Life--'Ah Just Get a Life!'
People ever tell you that? Sometimes from the chronic stress and upheaval the pathological relationship causes, people can get very one-dimensional and hyper-focused on him/the relationship/or the problems. They stop doing the kinds of things in their life that could help them be LESS obsessed, depressed, or anxious. That's because survivors tend to 'lose themselves' in the pathological relationship. It's a testimony to the strength of pathology and the almost labyrinth-type maze of hypnotic lull that occurs in these relationships.
The crazier it gets, the more the survivor feels like she needs to 'try to understand it' or 'try to make him understand what he's doing' or 'do something that will help the relationship feel less pathological. This idea can create a 24/7 obsession...it can take up your whole life trying to balance the relationship, which you probably have figured out, is un-balanceable.
Getting lost in a very dark tunnel can draw people away from the actions, behaviors, thoughts, people, and resources that previously allowed them to live a happier and more balanced life. The pathological relationship is ALL consuming and soon any level of your own self care is abandoned for the insane focus on how to help him/or the relationship.
It isn't long before others around you notice the myopic and single focused person you have become that can't think about or talk about anything except the pathological relationship. This myopic view of your relationship has now blacked out any other part of your life. Consequently, people are bailing out of your life, emotional resources are dwindling, your life has become the size and shape of him.
Women in the most dire of all situations (especially in domestic violence for instance) are those who have lost physical and emotional resources and can find no way to get out. The less support a woman feels from others, the more likely she is to stay because it takes support go get out, to break up, or to not go back. So, by the act of myopia, her life and resources just dwindle away. One day someone says to her, "Man, you need to get a bigger life than THIS" and something really hits her about that statement. Like coming out of a deep freeze, the light bulb goes on--she notices her lack of a life and says, "What happened to me? Where is my LIFE?"
The last few weeks in the newsletter I have been talking about 'Living the Gentle Life' especially if you are someone who has lived in a pathological love relationship or has a chronic stress disorder or PTSD. A gentle life is a full life. One that includes the kinds of things that nurture you, that bring peace to you, are simultaneously in, and part, of your life. The gentle life is healing because to feel joy is to send the right kinds of brain chemistry to your brain that fights depression and anxiety and gives the sensation of well being. In order to heal you need to be a 'Joy Hunter.'
The fact is, women go back (or pick poorly again) because they fail to build a life for themselves. They know how to 'invest, invest, invest' in him and their relationship with him but have no idea how to 'invest' and build her own life without him. Women who have healthy lives on the outside of the relationship, are those
more likely to get out and stay out.
Loneliness is one of the key risk factors why women go back. There are so many ways to get your needs met for friendship, fun, support, beauty, or whatever you love in life. Building a 'life' is the best prevention for relapse a woman can do.
But sadly, many will not do it. After 25 years of doing this work, I can pick out who will and won't invest in themselves by building a life. Those that don't are in the same boat ten years down the road. Either with this pathological person or another one just like him.
Those that do build a life are less likely to feel pressured to date or get so lonely that they pick up the phone and call him.
The Gentle Life isn't even possible unless you have a life that is ready for transformation. Living with a pathological or picking another is just about as opposite of a gentle life as there is. Will you be one that rebuilds a fabulous life?
Joyce Brown who inspired our work and who happens to be my mother said "I gotta stop focusing on him and get a great life!" At 60 she went to college, at 70 she took up belly dancing, and after 70 she sailed her own boat to the Bahamas and traveled to Paris and beyond. She proved the point that getting a great life was in and of it self, learning to create a gentle life. Much healing to you!
We have created an mp3 about this topic called Get a Great Life. Click HERE to see product
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award winning book Women Who Love Psychopaths and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more info.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People ever tell you that? Sometimes from the chronic stress and upheaval the pathological relationship causes, people can get very one-dimensional and hyper-focused on him/the relationship/or the problems. They stop doing the kinds of things in their life that could help them be LESS obsessed, depressed, or anxious. That's because survivors tend to 'lose themselves' in the pathological relationship. It's a testimony to the strength of pathology and the almost labyrinth-type maze of hypnotic lull that occurs in these relationships.
The crazier it gets, the more the survivor feels like she needs to 'try to understand it' or 'try to make him understand what he's doing' or 'do something that will help the relationship feel less pathological. This idea can create a 24/7 obsession...it can take up your whole life trying to balance the relationship, which you probably have figured out, is un-balanceable.
Getting lost in a very dark tunnel can draw people away from the actions, behaviors, thoughts, people, and resources that previously allowed them to live a happier and more balanced life. The pathological relationship is ALL consuming and soon any level of your own self care is abandoned for the insane focus on how to help him/or the relationship.
It isn't long before others around you notice the myopic and single focused person you have become that can't think about or talk about anything except the pathological relationship. This myopic view of your relationship has now blacked out any other part of your life. Consequently, people are bailing out of your life, emotional resources are dwindling, your life has become the size and shape of him.
Women in the most dire of all situations (especially in domestic violence for instance) are those who have lost physical and emotional resources and can find no way to get out. The less support a woman feels from others, the more likely she is to stay because it takes support go get out, to break up, or to not go back. So, by the act of myopia, her life and resources just dwindle away. One day someone says to her, "Man, you need to get a bigger life than THIS" and something really hits her about that statement. Like coming out of a deep freeze, the light bulb goes on--she notices her lack of a life and says, "What happened to me? Where is my LIFE?"
The last few weeks in the newsletter I have been talking about 'Living the Gentle Life' especially if you are someone who has lived in a pathological love relationship or has a chronic stress disorder or PTSD. A gentle life is a full life. One that includes the kinds of things that nurture you, that bring peace to you, are simultaneously in, and part, of your life. The gentle life is healing because to feel joy is to send the right kinds of brain chemistry to your brain that fights depression and anxiety and gives the sensation of well being. In order to heal you need to be a 'Joy Hunter.'
The fact is, women go back (or pick poorly again) because they fail to build a life for themselves. They know how to 'invest, invest, invest' in him and their relationship with him but have no idea how to 'invest' and build her own life without him. Women who have healthy lives on the outside of the relationship, are those
more likely to get out and stay out.
Loneliness is one of the key risk factors why women go back. There are so many ways to get your needs met for friendship, fun, support, beauty, or whatever you love in life. Building a 'life' is the best prevention for relapse a woman can do.
But sadly, many will not do it. After 25 years of doing this work, I can pick out who will and won't invest in themselves by building a life. Those that don't are in the same boat ten years down the road. Either with this pathological person or another one just like him.
Those that do build a life are less likely to feel pressured to date or get so lonely that they pick up the phone and call him.
The Gentle Life isn't even possible unless you have a life that is ready for transformation. Living with a pathological or picking another is just about as opposite of a gentle life as there is. Will you be one that rebuilds a fabulous life?
Joyce Brown who inspired our work and who happens to be my mother said "I gotta stop focusing on him and get a great life!" At 60 she went to college, at 70 she took up belly dancing, and after 70 she sailed her own boat to the Bahamas and traveled to Paris and beyond. She proved the point that getting a great life was in and of it self, learning to create a gentle life. Much healing to you!
We have created an mp3 about this topic called Get a Great Life. Click HERE to see product
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award winning book Women Who Love Psychopaths and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more info.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Living the Gentle Life—Part 3
The Emotional Effects
In the previous newsletter, I have been talking about recovering from a pathological love relationship. (You can read the previous newsletters on our website under Sandra Says.) The toll it takes on people often leaves them with symptoms of chronic stress. For extremely bad relationships, often the result is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)—a diagnosed anxiety disorder. The long-term stress from the pathological love relationship (with narcissists, abusive partners, socio/psychopaths) affects people emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually.
I have been talking about what the body 'does' when it is under chronic stress and the results of this unrelenting stress. (The previous newsletters about this are on the magazine site under Sandra's Current Article). The last newsletter discussed how to deal with the physical ramifications of stress, and I even created a unique relaxation audio for people with chronic stress or PTSD (which is available on the magazine site under Shopping/CDs, Audios.) I also talked about changing your physical environment to embrace the needs of a stress disorder.
Today, we are going to discuss emotional effects and how to create the Gentle Life for your emotional needs as well.
PTSD is an emotional disorder that falls in the category of anxiety disorders. Therefore, someone with chronic stress of any kind needs to learn the types of techniques that help reduce emotional anxiety. The problem is, by the time people ask for help with chronic stress or PTSD, they have often lived with it for a long time and the symptoms are then extreme.
The emotional effects of untreated PTSD can include tension, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks, or hyper-startle reflex. All of these are distressing, and over time a combination of these symptoms can normally occur at the same time.
The relaxation technique is a way of managing the physical symptoms of PTSD. Relaxation techniques are not 'optional' in the recovery of chronic stress/PTSD. That's because these techniques have a dual purpose. These same relaxation techniques also help manage the emotional symptoms as well as the physical. Learning correct breathing to ward off anxiety and panic attacks can be done through the relaxation techniques.
Likewise, these same techniques can help with sleep disruptions and tension. Chronic stress and PTSD are disorders that should be treated by a professional therapist. Especially with PTSD, the symptoms tend to increase over time if not treated. People make the mistake of waiting until it is totally unbearable, and then it takes time to ease the symptoms. People are often 'hopeful' it will just go away when the pathological relationship has ended or contact has ceased. These aren't the worst relationships in the world for nothing! They are labeled as such, because they produce horrible side effects!
Unfortunately, PTSD is a chronic disorder meaning you are likely to have symptoms off and on for years, maybe a lifetime. This is all the more reason to learn how to manage the symptoms when you may need to. Intrusive thoughts are one of the most complained about symptoms.
This is when unwanted thoughts of the pathological person or relationship keep popping up in your head. No matter how many times you try 'not' to think about it, it keeps coming back. The problem with the imagery in your mind is that each time it pops in, it has the ability to trigger you. Your body responds to the trigger with adrenaline and starts the whole stress cycle over again. So managing the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks is imperative to emotionally regulating yourself and living the gentle life.
Living the gentle life means removing your self from personalities that are similar to the pathological relationship. We often tend to migrate BACK to the same kind of people and relationships we just left. These kinds of abusive people can cause an emotional avalanche. It is important that you understand the kind of traits in people that should be avoided if you have PTSD or high-level stress. These could be people who remind you of the pathological person, loud or aggressive people, or those who violate your boundaries or bother you in other ways. Stress and PTSD do mandate that you develop self-protective skills such as setting boundaries—learning to say no or leave environments that increase your symptoms. Learn to migrate instead, to people who are serene or leave you feeling relaxed and happy.
Creating your gentle physical environment will also help you emotionally. An environment that is soothing, calm, quiet, soft, and comfortable has the best chance of allowing an over-stimulated body to relax. Changing your physical environment for your emotional benefits, and adding the relaxation technique can greatly impact the amount of emotional symptoms you experience. Learning 'emotional regulation skills' for stress and PTSD is a must. If you are in need of the following:
• Pathological love relationship education
• Healing the aftermath symptoms of intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking, flashbacks, anxiety, depression
• Learning to manage PTSD
The Institutes' phone, retreat, and 1:1 programs are just the place to get your life back! We'll be happy to help you find recover resources that are right for you.
In the previous newsletter, I have been talking about recovering from a pathological love relationship. (You can read the previous newsletters on our website under Sandra Says.) The toll it takes on people often leaves them with symptoms of chronic stress. For extremely bad relationships, often the result is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)—a diagnosed anxiety disorder. The long-term stress from the pathological love relationship (with narcissists, abusive partners, socio/psychopaths) affects people emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually.
I have been talking about what the body 'does' when it is under chronic stress and the results of this unrelenting stress. (The previous newsletters about this are on the magazine site under Sandra's Current Article). The last newsletter discussed how to deal with the physical ramifications of stress, and I even created a unique relaxation audio for people with chronic stress or PTSD (which is available on the magazine site under Shopping/CDs, Audios.) I also talked about changing your physical environment to embrace the needs of a stress disorder.
Today, we are going to discuss emotional effects and how to create the Gentle Life for your emotional needs as well.
PTSD is an emotional disorder that falls in the category of anxiety disorders. Therefore, someone with chronic stress of any kind needs to learn the types of techniques that help reduce emotional anxiety. The problem is, by the time people ask for help with chronic stress or PTSD, they have often lived with it for a long time and the symptoms are then extreme.
The emotional effects of untreated PTSD can include tension, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, sleep disturbances, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks, or hyper-startle reflex. All of these are distressing, and over time a combination of these symptoms can normally occur at the same time.
The relaxation technique is a way of managing the physical symptoms of PTSD. Relaxation techniques are not 'optional' in the recovery of chronic stress/PTSD. That's because these techniques have a dual purpose. These same relaxation techniques also help manage the emotional symptoms as well as the physical. Learning correct breathing to ward off anxiety and panic attacks can be done through the relaxation techniques.
Likewise, these same techniques can help with sleep disruptions and tension. Chronic stress and PTSD are disorders that should be treated by a professional therapist. Especially with PTSD, the symptoms tend to increase over time if not treated. People make the mistake of waiting until it is totally unbearable, and then it takes time to ease the symptoms. People are often 'hopeful' it will just go away when the pathological relationship has ended or contact has ceased. These aren't the worst relationships in the world for nothing! They are labeled as such, because they produce horrible side effects!
Unfortunately, PTSD is a chronic disorder meaning you are likely to have symptoms off and on for years, maybe a lifetime. This is all the more reason to learn how to manage the symptoms when you may need to. Intrusive thoughts are one of the most complained about symptoms.
This is when unwanted thoughts of the pathological person or relationship keep popping up in your head. No matter how many times you try 'not' to think about it, it keeps coming back. The problem with the imagery in your mind is that each time it pops in, it has the ability to trigger you. Your body responds to the trigger with adrenaline and starts the whole stress cycle over again. So managing the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks is imperative to emotionally regulating yourself and living the gentle life.
Living the gentle life means removing your self from personalities that are similar to the pathological relationship. We often tend to migrate BACK to the same kind of people and relationships we just left. These kinds of abusive people can cause an emotional avalanche. It is important that you understand the kind of traits in people that should be avoided if you have PTSD or high-level stress. These could be people who remind you of the pathological person, loud or aggressive people, or those who violate your boundaries or bother you in other ways. Stress and PTSD do mandate that you develop self-protective skills such as setting boundaries—learning to say no or leave environments that increase your symptoms. Learn to migrate instead, to people who are serene or leave you feeling relaxed and happy.
Creating your gentle physical environment will also help you emotionally. An environment that is soothing, calm, quiet, soft, and comfortable has the best chance of allowing an over-stimulated body to relax. Changing your physical environment for your emotional benefits, and adding the relaxation technique can greatly impact the amount of emotional symptoms you experience. Learning 'emotional regulation skills' for stress and PTSD is a must. If you are in need of the following:
• Pathological love relationship education
• Healing the aftermath symptoms of intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking, flashbacks, anxiety, depression
• Learning to manage PTSD
The Institutes' phone, retreat, and 1:1 programs are just the place to get your life back! We'll be happy to help you find recover resources that are right for you.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Living The Gentle Life Part 2
In the previous newsletter, I began talking about the normal ‘aftermath’ of pathological love relationships—Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (Previous newsletter is on the magazine under Sandra Says.)
PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is often reactivated by 'triggers.' These can include people, places, things, or sensory feelings that reconnect you with the trauma of the relationship. In the last newsletter, I talked about the gentle life and how an over-taxed and anxious body/mind needs a soothing life. I cannot stress this enough: people MUST remember that their PTSD symptoms CAN BE reactivated if they aren't taking care of themselves and living a gentle life.
What IS a gentle life? A gentle life is a life lived remembering the sensitivities of your PTSD. It isn't ignored, or wished away—it is considered and compensated for. Since PTSD affects one physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually—all of those elements need to be considered in a gentle life. Just as if you had diabetes you would consider what to eat or what medication you need to take, so it is with PTSD.
Interestingly, although PTSD is listed in the psychiatric manual as an emotional disorder, PTSD has some very real physical effects as well. In fact, it has been discussed having PTSD listed in physician's manuals as well, because the untreated, ongoing effects of acute stress are well known in the medical community. Since PTSD has both components of emotional and physical symptoms, someone recovering from PTSD must take those aspects into account.
Physically, PTSD often becomes a chronic condition by the time you get help. That means you have been living with it for a while and it has been wreaking havoc on your physical body during that time. Unbridled anxiety/stress/fear pumps enormous amounts of adrenaline and cortisol into your body. This over stimulates your body and mind and causes insomnia, paranoia, hyperactivity, a racing mind/intrusive thoughts and the inability to 'let down' and 'rest'.
A body that has been living on adrenaline needs the adrenal glands to 'chill!' People often complain of chronic insomnia, which also leads to depression. Depression can lead to lethargy, overeating, weight gain and hopelessness. It is possible to have both anxiety and depression occurring at the same time. Unmanaged stress, anxiety, and adrenaline can lead to long-term medical problems often associated with stress—lower GI problems, migraines, teeth grinding, aggravated periods, chest pain, panic attacks, and most auto-immune disorders like fibromyalgia, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, arthritis and MS.
So, CLEARLY, PTSD is something that SHOULD be treated. Physically that means going to someone who can diagnose you—a therapist or psychiatrist. In the early parts of treatment, it is normal to take anti-anxiety medication, anti-depressants or sleep aides in order to rectify your depleted brain chemistry and to allow the adrenal glands to 'rest' and stop pumping out adrenaline. Your doctor is in the best position to tell you what will help to relieve your physical symptoms. Some use alternative medicine to deal with those symptoms. What is effective for each person varies.
Additionally, you need to help your body and brain produce the 'good stuff' in your brain chemistry. This means exercising, eating well, and learning relaxation techniques. Too much adrenaline has been pumping through your body with no way to get utilized. Excessive adrenaline makes you feel jumpy and restless. Exercise (even moderate walking) helps to produce endorphins in your brain, which produce those feelings of 'well-being' and helps to burn off the adrenaline and any extra weight you might have gathered.
Although during depression you often don't FEEL like exercising, you will always feel bad if you don't get your body moving. Stress is even stored at the cellular level of our bodies. You must, must, must, get moving in order to feel better.
Eating well means not trying to medicate your depression and low energy with carbs. When you are depressed your body craves carbs as a source of quick energy, but the spikes in blood sugar add to the sense of mood highs and lows. You've already had enough 'junk' in the relationship—think of it as nurturing your body with good food to replace all the 'junk' that it has been through. You can greatly help mood swings by eating well.
It's also necessary to deal with the negative habits you have acquired as 'coping mechanisms.' Many people with PTSD try to medicate their anxiety and depression. This could be through smoking, relationship hopping, sex, eating/binging/purging, drugs (legal and illegal), and the increased use of alcohol. In fact, one of the devastating side effects of PTSD is how many people develop alcoholism as a result. Any habits you are prone to right now tend to increase when you have PTSD, because the particular habit becomes more and more a way to manage your PTSD symptoms. Finding positive coping skills instead of negative habits is a great step in your recovery.
Physical recovery also means paying attention to not reactivating your symptoms. Your physical environment in which you live, play and work must be conducive to low stimulation. That means low light, low noise, and low aggravation. Sometimes that means making big changes in the PEOPLE you hang out with—getting rid of the loud, noisy, overactive, aggressive and pathological. And sometimes it means making big changes in a job where the environment does nothing but trigger you.
Lastly, learning relaxation techniques is not 'optional' for people with PTSD. PTSD is a chronic state of hyper-vigilance, agitation, and restlessness. Your body has been over-ridden with adrenaline for a long time and has 'forgotten' its equilibrium in relaxation. It must be re-taught. Re-teaching means doing it daily. Taking 5 –10 minutes a day to use a relaxation breathing technique and allowing your mind to unwind. Giving positive messages to your body to relax will help you tap into this natural relaxation, even during times you are not actively trying to relax. The more you use this technique, the quicker your body can relax—even at work or when you are doing something else because it has 'remembered' how to.
There are a lot of tapes, CDs and videos you can buy on relaxation that walk you thru the process of relaxation (we also have one created for PTSD on the magazine site.)
Taking yoga will also teach you how to use correct breathing techniques that help correct the 'shallow/panting' breathing that is associated with PTSD and anxiety. Shallow breathing or panting can actually trigger panic attacks. Learning to breathe well again is a metaphor for 'exhaling' all the junk you've been thru and releasing it. If you don't have a relaxation tape, you are welcome to get our mp3 audio on relaxation techniques on our website. Most importantly is to just become acutely aware that PTSD is physical (and often medical) as it is emotional.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PTSD is an anxiety disorder that is often reactivated by 'triggers.' These can include people, places, things, or sensory feelings that reconnect you with the trauma of the relationship. In the last newsletter, I talked about the gentle life and how an over-taxed and anxious body/mind needs a soothing life. I cannot stress this enough: people MUST remember that their PTSD symptoms CAN BE reactivated if they aren't taking care of themselves and living a gentle life.
What IS a gentle life? A gentle life is a life lived remembering the sensitivities of your PTSD. It isn't ignored, or wished away—it is considered and compensated for. Since PTSD affects one physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually—all of those elements need to be considered in a gentle life. Just as if you had diabetes you would consider what to eat or what medication you need to take, so it is with PTSD.
Interestingly, although PTSD is listed in the psychiatric manual as an emotional disorder, PTSD has some very real physical effects as well. In fact, it has been discussed having PTSD listed in physician's manuals as well, because the untreated, ongoing effects of acute stress are well known in the medical community. Since PTSD has both components of emotional and physical symptoms, someone recovering from PTSD must take those aspects into account.
Physically, PTSD often becomes a chronic condition by the time you get help. That means you have been living with it for a while and it has been wreaking havoc on your physical body during that time. Unbridled anxiety/stress/fear pumps enormous amounts of adrenaline and cortisol into your body. This over stimulates your body and mind and causes insomnia, paranoia, hyperactivity, a racing mind/intrusive thoughts and the inability to 'let down' and 'rest'.
A body that has been living on adrenaline needs the adrenal glands to 'chill!' People often complain of chronic insomnia, which also leads to depression. Depression can lead to lethargy, overeating, weight gain and hopelessness. It is possible to have both anxiety and depression occurring at the same time. Unmanaged stress, anxiety, and adrenaline can lead to long-term medical problems often associated with stress—lower GI problems, migraines, teeth grinding, aggravated periods, chest pain, panic attacks, and most auto-immune disorders like fibromyalgia, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, arthritis and MS.
So, CLEARLY, PTSD is something that SHOULD be treated. Physically that means going to someone who can diagnose you—a therapist or psychiatrist. In the early parts of treatment, it is normal to take anti-anxiety medication, anti-depressants or sleep aides in order to rectify your depleted brain chemistry and to allow the adrenal glands to 'rest' and stop pumping out adrenaline. Your doctor is in the best position to tell you what will help to relieve your physical symptoms. Some use alternative medicine to deal with those symptoms. What is effective for each person varies.
Additionally, you need to help your body and brain produce the 'good stuff' in your brain chemistry. This means exercising, eating well, and learning relaxation techniques. Too much adrenaline has been pumping through your body with no way to get utilized. Excessive adrenaline makes you feel jumpy and restless. Exercise (even moderate walking) helps to produce endorphins in your brain, which produce those feelings of 'well-being' and helps to burn off the adrenaline and any extra weight you might have gathered.
Although during depression you often don't FEEL like exercising, you will always feel bad if you don't get your body moving. Stress is even stored at the cellular level of our bodies. You must, must, must, get moving in order to feel better.
Eating well means not trying to medicate your depression and low energy with carbs. When you are depressed your body craves carbs as a source of quick energy, but the spikes in blood sugar add to the sense of mood highs and lows. You've already had enough 'junk' in the relationship—think of it as nurturing your body with good food to replace all the 'junk' that it has been through. You can greatly help mood swings by eating well.
It's also necessary to deal with the negative habits you have acquired as 'coping mechanisms.' Many people with PTSD try to medicate their anxiety and depression. This could be through smoking, relationship hopping, sex, eating/binging/purging, drugs (legal and illegal), and the increased use of alcohol. In fact, one of the devastating side effects of PTSD is how many people develop alcoholism as a result. Any habits you are prone to right now tend to increase when you have PTSD, because the particular habit becomes more and more a way to manage your PTSD symptoms. Finding positive coping skills instead of negative habits is a great step in your recovery.
Physical recovery also means paying attention to not reactivating your symptoms. Your physical environment in which you live, play and work must be conducive to low stimulation. That means low light, low noise, and low aggravation. Sometimes that means making big changes in the PEOPLE you hang out with—getting rid of the loud, noisy, overactive, aggressive and pathological. And sometimes it means making big changes in a job where the environment does nothing but trigger you.
Lastly, learning relaxation techniques is not 'optional' for people with PTSD. PTSD is a chronic state of hyper-vigilance, agitation, and restlessness. Your body has been over-ridden with adrenaline for a long time and has 'forgotten' its equilibrium in relaxation. It must be re-taught. Re-teaching means doing it daily. Taking 5 –10 minutes a day to use a relaxation breathing technique and allowing your mind to unwind. Giving positive messages to your body to relax will help you tap into this natural relaxation, even during times you are not actively trying to relax. The more you use this technique, the quicker your body can relax—even at work or when you are doing something else because it has 'remembered' how to.
There are a lot of tapes, CDs and videos you can buy on relaxation that walk you thru the process of relaxation (we also have one created for PTSD on the magazine site.)
Taking yoga will also teach you how to use correct breathing techniques that help correct the 'shallow/panting' breathing that is associated with PTSD and anxiety. Shallow breathing or panting can actually trigger panic attacks. Learning to breathe well again is a metaphor for 'exhaling' all the junk you've been thru and releasing it. If you don't have a relaxation tape, you are welcome to get our mp3 audio on relaxation techniques on our website. Most importantly is to just become acutely aware that PTSD is physical (and often medical) as it is emotional.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Living the Gentle Life Part 1
"Be gentle with yourself. The rest of your life deserves it." (Sandra L. Brown, MA)
As discussed in previous newsletters, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a trauma-related anxiety disorder and is often seen as an aftermath constellation of symptoms from pathological love relationships. Exposure to other people's pathology (and the corresponding emotional, physical/sexual abuse) can, and often does, give other people stress disorders, including PTSD. Our psychological and emotional systems are simply not wired for long-term exposure to someone else's abnormal psychology. Often the result is a conglomeration of ‘aftermath’ symptoms that include PTSD, which is described as 'a normal reaction to an abnormal life event.'
The profound and long-term effects of PTSD create what I refer to as a 'cracked vessel.' The fragmentation caused by the trauma creates a crack in the emotional defense system of the person. While treatment can 'glue the crack back together', and the vessel can once again function as a vessel, if pressure is applied to the crack, the vase will split apart again. This means, that the crack is a stress fracture in the vessel—it's the part of the vessel that is damaged and weakened in that area.
There are numerous types of therapies that can help PTSD. If you have it, or someone you care about has it, you/they should seek treatment. PTSD does not go away by itself, and if left untreated, can worsen. People often have missed the opportunity of treating PTSD when it was still relatively 'treatable' and responsive to therapy. The sooner it's treated, the better the outcome. But any treatment, at any time, can still help PTSD.
However, what is often not recognized is the 'continual' life that must be lived when living with the aftermath of PTSD. Because the cracked vessel can crack again, a gentle and balanced life will relieve a lot of the PTSD symptoms that can linger. I have often seen people who have put a lot of effort into their recovery and NOT put a lot of effort into the quality of a gentle life following treatment. This is a mistake, because going back into a busy and crazy life, or picking another pathological, could reactivate PTSD. As much as people want to 'get back out there', and think they can return to the life they use to live, often that's not true. 'Wanting' to live or do what you did before does not mean that you will be able to. I know, I know…. it ticks you off that the damage is interfering with the person who you use to be…. Before Pathology Exposure (BPE). But wanting it to be different doesn't make it different. If you have PTSD, you need to know what to realistically expect in your prognosis.
Consequently, many people's anxiety symptoms return if their life is not gentle enough. Much like a 12 Step Program, 'one day at a time' is necessary, and understanding your proclivity must be foremost in your mind.
Living the gentle life means reducing your exposure to triggers that can reactivate your PTSD. Only you know what these are. If you don't know then that's the first order of therapy—to find your triggers. You can't avoid (or even treat) what you don't know exists.
Triggers are exposure to emotional, physical, sexual, visual, auditory, or kinesthetic reminders that set off anxiety symptoms. These triggers could be people, places, objects, sounds, phrases (songs!) tastes, or smells which reconnect you to your trauma. Once you are reconnected to your trauma, your physical body reacts by pumping out the adrenaline and you become hyper-aroused, which is known as 'hyper-vigilance.' This increases paranoia, insomnia, startle reflex and a lot of other over-stimulated and anxiety-oriented behaviors.
Other triggers that are not trauma-specific, but you should be on the alert for, are violent movies, TV, or music, and high-level noises. Also, be on alert for lifestyle/jobs/people that are too fast-paced, 'busy' environments, risky or scary jobs, bosses or co-workers who have personality disorders and are abrasive, or any other situations that kick-starts your anxiety. Women are often surprised that other people's pathology now sets them off. Once they have been exposed to pathology and have acquired PTSD from this exposure, other pathology can trigger PTSD symptoms. Living 'pathology free' is nearly mandatory—to the degree that you can 'un-expose' yourself to other known pathologies
The opposite of chronic exposure to craziness and pathology would be the gentle life. Think 'Zen Retreat Center'—a subdued environment where your senses can rest…. where a body that has been pumped up with adrenaline can let down…. and a mind that races can relax. Where the video flashbacks can go on pause, and fast-paced chest panting can turn into slow, diaphragmatic breathing. Where darting eyes can close, soft scents soothe, and gentle music lulls. Where high heels come off and flip-flops go on. Where long quiet walks give way to tension release…. quieting of the mind chases off the demons of hyperactive thinking…. so when you whisper, you can hear yourself.
Only, this isn't a retreat center for a yearly visit…. this is your life, where your recovery and your need for all-things-gentle are center in your life. It doesn't mean you need to quit your job or move to a mountain, but it does mean that you attend to your over-stimulated physical body. Those things in your life you can control, such as the tranquility of your environment, need to be adjusted. Lifestyle adjustments ARE required for those who want to avoid reactivated anxiety. This includes psychological/emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual self-care techniques.
The one thing you can count on about PTSD, is when your AREN'T taking care of yourself, your body will SCREAM IT! Your life cannot be the crazy-filled life you may watch others live. Your need for exercise, quiet, healthy food, spirituality, tension release, and joy are as necessary as oxygen for someone with PTSD. Walking the gentle path is your best guard against more anxiety, and your best advocate for peace.
Because of this overwhelming need, The Institute offers retreats several times a year that focus on your recovery. If we can help you live a gentle life and heal, please let us know.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As discussed in previous newsletters, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a trauma-related anxiety disorder and is often seen as an aftermath constellation of symptoms from pathological love relationships. Exposure to other people's pathology (and the corresponding emotional, physical/sexual abuse) can, and often does, give other people stress disorders, including PTSD. Our psychological and emotional systems are simply not wired for long-term exposure to someone else's abnormal psychology. Often the result is a conglomeration of ‘aftermath’ symptoms that include PTSD, which is described as 'a normal reaction to an abnormal life event.'
The profound and long-term effects of PTSD create what I refer to as a 'cracked vessel.' The fragmentation caused by the trauma creates a crack in the emotional defense system of the person. While treatment can 'glue the crack back together', and the vessel can once again function as a vessel, if pressure is applied to the crack, the vase will split apart again. This means, that the crack is a stress fracture in the vessel—it's the part of the vessel that is damaged and weakened in that area.
There are numerous types of therapies that can help PTSD. If you have it, or someone you care about has it, you/they should seek treatment. PTSD does not go away by itself, and if left untreated, can worsen. People often have missed the opportunity of treating PTSD when it was still relatively 'treatable' and responsive to therapy. The sooner it's treated, the better the outcome. But any treatment, at any time, can still help PTSD.
However, what is often not recognized is the 'continual' life that must be lived when living with the aftermath of PTSD. Because the cracked vessel can crack again, a gentle and balanced life will relieve a lot of the PTSD symptoms that can linger. I have often seen people who have put a lot of effort into their recovery and NOT put a lot of effort into the quality of a gentle life following treatment. This is a mistake, because going back into a busy and crazy life, or picking another pathological, could reactivate PTSD. As much as people want to 'get back out there', and think they can return to the life they use to live, often that's not true. 'Wanting' to live or do what you did before does not mean that you will be able to. I know, I know…. it ticks you off that the damage is interfering with the person who you use to be…. Before Pathology Exposure (BPE). But wanting it to be different doesn't make it different. If you have PTSD, you need to know what to realistically expect in your prognosis.
Consequently, many people's anxiety symptoms return if their life is not gentle enough. Much like a 12 Step Program, 'one day at a time' is necessary, and understanding your proclivity must be foremost in your mind.
Living the gentle life means reducing your exposure to triggers that can reactivate your PTSD. Only you know what these are. If you don't know then that's the first order of therapy—to find your triggers. You can't avoid (or even treat) what you don't know exists.
Triggers are exposure to emotional, physical, sexual, visual, auditory, or kinesthetic reminders that set off anxiety symptoms. These triggers could be people, places, objects, sounds, phrases (songs!) tastes, or smells which reconnect you to your trauma. Once you are reconnected to your trauma, your physical body reacts by pumping out the adrenaline and you become hyper-aroused, which is known as 'hyper-vigilance.' This increases paranoia, insomnia, startle reflex and a lot of other over-stimulated and anxiety-oriented behaviors.
Other triggers that are not trauma-specific, but you should be on the alert for, are violent movies, TV, or music, and high-level noises. Also, be on alert for lifestyle/jobs/people that are too fast-paced, 'busy' environments, risky or scary jobs, bosses or co-workers who have personality disorders and are abrasive, or any other situations that kick-starts your anxiety. Women are often surprised that other people's pathology now sets them off. Once they have been exposed to pathology and have acquired PTSD from this exposure, other pathology can trigger PTSD symptoms. Living 'pathology free' is nearly mandatory—to the degree that you can 'un-expose' yourself to other known pathologies
The opposite of chronic exposure to craziness and pathology would be the gentle life. Think 'Zen Retreat Center'—a subdued environment where your senses can rest…. where a body that has been pumped up with adrenaline can let down…. and a mind that races can relax. Where the video flashbacks can go on pause, and fast-paced chest panting can turn into slow, diaphragmatic breathing. Where darting eyes can close, soft scents soothe, and gentle music lulls. Where high heels come off and flip-flops go on. Where long quiet walks give way to tension release…. quieting of the mind chases off the demons of hyperactive thinking…. so when you whisper, you can hear yourself.
Only, this isn't a retreat center for a yearly visit…. this is your life, where your recovery and your need for all-things-gentle are center in your life. It doesn't mean you need to quit your job or move to a mountain, but it does mean that you attend to your over-stimulated physical body. Those things in your life you can control, such as the tranquility of your environment, need to be adjusted. Lifestyle adjustments ARE required for those who want to avoid reactivated anxiety. This includes psychological/emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual self-care techniques.
The one thing you can count on about PTSD, is when your AREN'T taking care of yourself, your body will SCREAM IT! Your life cannot be the crazy-filled life you may watch others live. Your need for exercise, quiet, healthy food, spirituality, tension release, and joy are as necessary as oxygen for someone with PTSD. Walking the gentle path is your best guard against more anxiety, and your best advocate for peace.
Because of this overwhelming need, The Institute offers retreats several times a year that focus on your recovery. If we can help you live a gentle life and heal, please let us know.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Cracked Vessel
Every year in our newsletter, we always rerun the articles that are 'tenets' of what we believe, or tried and trued aspects of recovery that survivors have told us greatly impacted them. The most loved of all series we have ever done is the "Living the Gentle Life" which refocuses survivors back on their own recovery and what they can do and must do in order to recover. We proudly give you the next 8 weeks of insight that will gently redirect you to the path of greatest healing. The first in our series is The Cracked Vessel...with a beautiful portrait painted by our gifted friend... May the next 8 weeks bless you and heal you
Over the years, I have talked about the frequent ‘aftermath’ of pathological love relationships, which is often Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Many women emerge from these relationships either diagnosed, or not yet diagnosed, with PTSD—an anxiety disorder so extreme that the core concept of self is often fragmented.
To demonstrate PTSD, I use the analogy of a cracked vessel. PTSD causes a fracture to the core concept of self which produces a crack in the soul. However, the soul, mind and body must continue to try to function as it did prior to the damage. The vase can be glued again to function, but push on the crack, and the vessel will break again.
PTSD is a mood disorder, specifically an anxiety disorder. The common symptoms of PTSD (whether in you or someone you care about who has been in a pathological relationship) includes:
• Intrusive thoughts about him/relationship/events of the relationship
• Nightmares
• Flashbacks or sensing effects reoccurring in the present moment
• Extreme reactions upon exposure to things that symbolize or resemble parts of the relationship
• Trying to avoid thinking about him or the relationship
• Trying to avoid situations that remind you of him or the relationship
• Blocked recall of all the events that occurred
• Decreased interest in daily activities
• Feeling numb, detached, unable to feel loving feelings
• Difficulty concentrating
• Hyper-vigilance (startle reflex)
• Hyper-arousal (feeling keyed up or too alert)
• Insomnia
• Anger/Irritability
Some of the biggest concerns for women are the symptoms associated with PTSD because it is interfering with the quality of their lives, their level of functioning, and often their ability to parent effectively. Many don't realize they have PTSD so they don't seek treatment. They just feel like 'they're going crazy' or 'I should be over it by now--why am I still having these experiences?' People are often relieved to find out a name and a reason for their experiences.
Unfortunately, others around them may also not realize what is wrong and may tell them to 'move on', 'get over it', 'just meet someone else', and yet months, and even years later, women can still be having PTSD symptoms. That's because PTSD does not just 'go away' without treatment. In fact, it worsens over time when neglected.
PTSD is considered a 'trauma disorder' because you have lived through an abnormal and traumatic life event. Trauma disorders require specific types of treatment in order to recover. Untreateded PTSD can lead to chronic anxiety and depression, substance abuse to help cope with the anxiety, other compulsive behaviors like eating, smoking, and sexual acting out, addiction to sleep aids, and chronic stress related medical conditions. It's not a disorder to be taken 'lightly.'
Those who have already been diagnosed with PTSD may not realize that PTSD is often a life-long condition. You won't always feel as anxiety-ridden as you do now, but depending on the severity of the PTSD, it can leave the vessel cracked. Future damage can cause the stress crack to re-fracture.
Survivors either highly identify with the analogy of the cracked vessel, or hate the analogy. Some have written me and said, "I don't like what you said about being a cracked vessel—anyone can change." I didn't create the symptoms and effects of PTSD. I have only learned to live with them….
People with PTSD need to live quiet, gentle lives. Their households, jobs, environments, and relationships need to reflect the tranquility that an overtaxed body needs. These are not people who need to have fast-paced, dramatic, traumatic and chaotic jobs, lifestyles or relationships. These are people whose bodies, minds, and spirits need to exist in a healing environment.
In our upcoming six-part series on 'Living a Gentle Life,' we will go into much more detail about recovery from PTSD.
(**Information on pathology and your recovery is in the award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Over the years, I have talked about the frequent ‘aftermath’ of pathological love relationships, which is often Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Many women emerge from these relationships either diagnosed, or not yet diagnosed, with PTSD—an anxiety disorder so extreme that the core concept of self is often fragmented.
To demonstrate PTSD, I use the analogy of a cracked vessel. PTSD causes a fracture to the core concept of self which produces a crack in the soul. However, the soul, mind and body must continue to try to function as it did prior to the damage. The vase can be glued again to function, but push on the crack, and the vessel will break again.
PTSD is a mood disorder, specifically an anxiety disorder. The common symptoms of PTSD (whether in you or someone you care about who has been in a pathological relationship) includes:
• Intrusive thoughts about him/relationship/events of the relationship
• Nightmares
• Flashbacks or sensing effects reoccurring in the present moment
• Extreme reactions upon exposure to things that symbolize or resemble parts of the relationship
• Trying to avoid thinking about him or the relationship
• Trying to avoid situations that remind you of him or the relationship
• Blocked recall of all the events that occurred
• Decreased interest in daily activities
• Feeling numb, detached, unable to feel loving feelings
• Difficulty concentrating
• Hyper-vigilance (startle reflex)
• Hyper-arousal (feeling keyed up or too alert)
• Insomnia
• Anger/Irritability
Some of the biggest concerns for women are the symptoms associated with PTSD because it is interfering with the quality of their lives, their level of functioning, and often their ability to parent effectively. Many don't realize they have PTSD so they don't seek treatment. They just feel like 'they're going crazy' or 'I should be over it by now--why am I still having these experiences?' People are often relieved to find out a name and a reason for their experiences.
Unfortunately, others around them may also not realize what is wrong and may tell them to 'move on', 'get over it', 'just meet someone else', and yet months, and even years later, women can still be having PTSD symptoms. That's because PTSD does not just 'go away' without treatment. In fact, it worsens over time when neglected.
PTSD is considered a 'trauma disorder' because you have lived through an abnormal and traumatic life event. Trauma disorders require specific types of treatment in order to recover. Untreateded PTSD can lead to chronic anxiety and depression, substance abuse to help cope with the anxiety, other compulsive behaviors like eating, smoking, and sexual acting out, addiction to sleep aids, and chronic stress related medical conditions. It's not a disorder to be taken 'lightly.'
Those who have already been diagnosed with PTSD may not realize that PTSD is often a life-long condition. You won't always feel as anxiety-ridden as you do now, but depending on the severity of the PTSD, it can leave the vessel cracked. Future damage can cause the stress crack to re-fracture.
Survivors either highly identify with the analogy of the cracked vessel, or hate the analogy. Some have written me and said, "I don't like what you said about being a cracked vessel—anyone can change." I didn't create the symptoms and effects of PTSD. I have only learned to live with them….
People with PTSD need to live quiet, gentle lives. Their households, jobs, environments, and relationships need to reflect the tranquility that an overtaxed body needs. These are not people who need to have fast-paced, dramatic, traumatic and chaotic jobs, lifestyles or relationships. These are people whose bodies, minds, and spirits need to exist in a healing environment.
In our upcoming six-part series on 'Living a Gentle Life,' we will go into much more detail about recovery from PTSD.
(**Information on pathology and your recovery is in the award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I Got This…
I Got This…
By Jennifer Young
The focus of this series of articles has been your Super Traits. The Super Traits are your temperament and character traits that are powerful components of who you are which carry positive and negative consequences. The power that you have over these traits comes in the form of awareness. Your first task is to acknowledge them and address the areas in your life of which they put you at risk. The second task is to use these traits to your advantage.
Thomas Jefferson said, "Never trouble another for what you can do yourself." I think we can agree that these words are true for most of us, and a great way to live your life. But, they could not be more inaccurate when talking about a psychopath – in fact they probably see these words and think…"suckers." The truth is, psychopaths are amazingly resourceful, and their greatest tool for being resourceful is you.
Resourcefulness by definition means that you are able to meet the needs of a situation and can develop the necessary means to accomplish a task. Being resourceful is a highly valuable trait, so consequently those who are very high in the trait of resourcefulness (like women who have been in relationships with psychopaths) often have very successful lives…great careers, wonderful children, and a great circle of friends.
You are often the person that:
• Others turn to in a time of need or struggle
• Are able to find ways to get things done that others might have thought impossible
• Find resources where there were none
• Get help when others were turned down
• Can rally any number of people to the cause
Most importantly, you have a great combination of inner and outer resources. Your inner resource examples are creativity, intelligence, confidence, courage, or passion. Your outer resources are people, money, or technology. When used together – you can accomplish anything.
It is important to realize there is a difference in the resourcefulness of you and the resourcefulness of a psychopath. The psychopath is resourceful off the backs of others. The word that comes to mind is "exploitive."
Thomas Jefferson's words would be twisted into something like this – "Never do for yourself what you can convince others to do for you." In this way of pathological thinking, the psychopath's view is a negative use of a positive trait. You can easily be fooled into believing that your psychopath is so "resourceful" because he always seems to get things done. If you stop and become an observer, you will see that there is a trail of destruction behind every step he takes. Resourcefulness is part of his mask, so even you (as one of his resources) will be used as the mask. As Sandra says, "He is sicker than you are smart." So, no matter how smart you are in using your resources, his resources of exploitation and diabolical behavior is stronger. This exploitive and diabolical use of resources wins every time.
Herein lies the risk: You will use all of your resources trying to "fix" or "help" him. You've got the resources to do it – the connections, the know-how – and in most cases, the means to fix things. Add to your resourcefulness a little bit of oxytocin, and you're toast. That's because we are compelled, as humans, to bond with those we love. Oxytocin does that for us because as humans we need to be bonded to others. Part of bonding and maintaining a lasting relationship is being resourceful together – "I'll help you, you help me." The problem is this is a perfect fit for a psychopath, because they view the world as "suckers." In most cases they are energy exploiters and look for others to do their work, or they exploit because it's fun to watch others do what they have directed them to do.
So now, you have created a cycle – he's broken, you fix, he says thank you, then he breaks again, you fix, he says thank you, and so on. This cycle is one of the reasons you stay so long, because you are always in between him "breaking" and you "fixing." He never fixes himself – but you are on a mission – "I love him, and this what you do for someone you love." So, years have passed, nothing has changed with him, but you are completely exhausted. Your resources are tapped out. You have no more creativity, you feel dumb (nothing has worked), have no confidence, and your courage has turned to fear. Those outer resources are probably gone too – the money, the friends – all of it.
But herein lies YOUR benefit: Your resourcefulness can become a real problem for a psychopath, and isn't that what you want about now? When you are ready you will, and can, outthink him. What I know is that "he is sicker than you are smart," BUT only until you get smart.
You have the ability to be confident enough to make real changes. Let's face it, you have been courageous for a big piece of your life – you've been with a pathological partner, and that takes a form of courage. So, those internal RESOURCES are exactly what is needed THAT CAN BE USED FOR GETTING AWAY.
How do those resources look in action?
• You will call everyone you know to get the truth and get help.
• You will call ex's, you will tap phones, and you will search computers.
• You will put the pieces together, stop doing for him and begin to do for yourself.
Once that final pathological event happens that produces eyes-wide-open reality, it will be your resourcefulness that lifts you out and moves you on. Not sure your traits can hang on long enough to be a benefit for you? The good news is your traits are hard-wired in you. They are not going away. So even though at the end of the relationship it feels as if he has drained you and your resources are depleted…he has not. Your ability to be resourceful is still there because it has always been one of your strongest traits.
You can begin by accessing your internal resources. Strengthen them by exercising your creativity, by challenging yourself and taking those steps to live pathology-free, and by massaging your courageousness. While you're at it, you can also engage your external resources by reaching out to old friends and co-workers, re-engage at work (to build up your financial resources), or stepping out and doing something you've always dreamed about.
My favorite idea for the rebuilding of resourcefulness is reaching out to those friends and family who always told you he was the problem. You can bring them back to you as a supporter by telling them they were right. If an old friend or distant family member was once a valuable resource, then humble yourself, call them and tell them your story, and get your resource back. Step by step you will begin grabbing hold of one of your best traits – your own resourcefulness to rebuild your life.
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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By Jennifer Young
The focus of this series of articles has been your Super Traits. The Super Traits are your temperament and character traits that are powerful components of who you are which carry positive and negative consequences. The power that you have over these traits comes in the form of awareness. Your first task is to acknowledge them and address the areas in your life of which they put you at risk. The second task is to use these traits to your advantage.
Thomas Jefferson said, "Never trouble another for what you can do yourself." I think we can agree that these words are true for most of us, and a great way to live your life. But, they could not be more inaccurate when talking about a psychopath – in fact they probably see these words and think…"suckers." The truth is, psychopaths are amazingly resourceful, and their greatest tool for being resourceful is you.
Resourcefulness by definition means that you are able to meet the needs of a situation and can develop the necessary means to accomplish a task. Being resourceful is a highly valuable trait, so consequently those who are very high in the trait of resourcefulness (like women who have been in relationships with psychopaths) often have very successful lives…great careers, wonderful children, and a great circle of friends.
You are often the person that:
• Others turn to in a time of need or struggle
• Are able to find ways to get things done that others might have thought impossible
• Find resources where there were none
• Get help when others were turned down
• Can rally any number of people to the cause
Most importantly, you have a great combination of inner and outer resources. Your inner resource examples are creativity, intelligence, confidence, courage, or passion. Your outer resources are people, money, or technology. When used together – you can accomplish anything.
It is important to realize there is a difference in the resourcefulness of you and the resourcefulness of a psychopath. The psychopath is resourceful off the backs of others. The word that comes to mind is "exploitive."
Thomas Jefferson's words would be twisted into something like this – "Never do for yourself what you can convince others to do for you." In this way of pathological thinking, the psychopath's view is a negative use of a positive trait. You can easily be fooled into believing that your psychopath is so "resourceful" because he always seems to get things done. If you stop and become an observer, you will see that there is a trail of destruction behind every step he takes. Resourcefulness is part of his mask, so even you (as one of his resources) will be used as the mask. As Sandra says, "He is sicker than you are smart." So, no matter how smart you are in using your resources, his resources of exploitation and diabolical behavior is stronger. This exploitive and diabolical use of resources wins every time.
Herein lies the risk: You will use all of your resources trying to "fix" or "help" him. You've got the resources to do it – the connections, the know-how – and in most cases, the means to fix things. Add to your resourcefulness a little bit of oxytocin, and you're toast. That's because we are compelled, as humans, to bond with those we love. Oxytocin does that for us because as humans we need to be bonded to others. Part of bonding and maintaining a lasting relationship is being resourceful together – "I'll help you, you help me." The problem is this is a perfect fit for a psychopath, because they view the world as "suckers." In most cases they are energy exploiters and look for others to do their work, or they exploit because it's fun to watch others do what they have directed them to do.
So now, you have created a cycle – he's broken, you fix, he says thank you, then he breaks again, you fix, he says thank you, and so on. This cycle is one of the reasons you stay so long, because you are always in between him "breaking" and you "fixing." He never fixes himself – but you are on a mission – "I love him, and this what you do for someone you love." So, years have passed, nothing has changed with him, but you are completely exhausted. Your resources are tapped out. You have no more creativity, you feel dumb (nothing has worked), have no confidence, and your courage has turned to fear. Those outer resources are probably gone too – the money, the friends – all of it.
But herein lies YOUR benefit: Your resourcefulness can become a real problem for a psychopath, and isn't that what you want about now? When you are ready you will, and can, outthink him. What I know is that "he is sicker than you are smart," BUT only until you get smart.
You have the ability to be confident enough to make real changes. Let's face it, you have been courageous for a big piece of your life – you've been with a pathological partner, and that takes a form of courage. So, those internal RESOURCES are exactly what is needed THAT CAN BE USED FOR GETTING AWAY.
How do those resources look in action?
• You will call everyone you know to get the truth and get help.
• You will call ex's, you will tap phones, and you will search computers.
• You will put the pieces together, stop doing for him and begin to do for yourself.
Once that final pathological event happens that produces eyes-wide-open reality, it will be your resourcefulness that lifts you out and moves you on. Not sure your traits can hang on long enough to be a benefit for you? The good news is your traits are hard-wired in you. They are not going away. So even though at the end of the relationship it feels as if he has drained you and your resources are depleted…he has not. Your ability to be resourceful is still there because it has always been one of your strongest traits.
You can begin by accessing your internal resources. Strengthen them by exercising your creativity, by challenging yourself and taking those steps to live pathology-free, and by massaging your courageousness. While you're at it, you can also engage your external resources by reaching out to old friends and co-workers, re-engage at work (to build up your financial resources), or stepping out and doing something you've always dreamed about.
My favorite idea for the rebuilding of resourcefulness is reaching out to those friends and family who always told you he was the problem. You can bring them back to you as a supporter by telling them they were right. If an old friend or distant family member was once a valuable resource, then humble yourself, call them and tell them your story, and get your resource back. Step by step you will begin grabbing hold of one of your best traits – your own resourcefulness to rebuild your life.
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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