Why a Focused Recovery is Necessary-Beginning with a Completely Different Mind Set

Beginning 2013 in a Completely Different Mindset

Last week I began the New Year by talking about the issue of healing, recovery, and moving forward. In fact, all of January we are going to look at why starting 2013 'differently' can help you move forward in recovering from the aftermath of a pathological love relationship.

The past few years at The Institute has been a tremendous time of development. (Don't mind me as I wander down memory lane of all that has happened this year at The Institute....)

A mere two years ago the newsletter started. We now have nearly 35,000 subscribers each week. That created a snowball effect and the phone coaching began. More e-books were written. Then the CDs, mp3s, DVDs, and tele-seminars were created.

Research commenced and the Women Who Love Psychopaths book was written. The book is now in its 2nd edition. The retreat program started, we trained therapists and coaches, and started the Inpatient Treatment Center. Sandra began to do more keynote speaking at other organizations conferences including law schools and victim organizations.

All this development because of realizing how uniquely damaged you became at the hands of a pathological. All this research because of realizing there was really something to 'the temperament' of women who end up in pathological relationships. All this phone coaching, therapist training and retreat/treatment center creation because so few people 'get it' about you, him, and the mind-blowing relationship dynamics. For the FIRST time there really is a concrete program designed about you and in some ways, by you, and definitely for you.

The one thing that does stand out in the research and what I have been eye-balling closely about healing and recovery is that this level of damage by him is profound. If there were lots of 'hims' then it's even more profound. What this does to you over the long haul is take some strong, fabulous women out of the game of life by destroying you.

Untreated symptoms, get worse. Symptoms that get worse effect your life functioning and your children. Worsened effects then contaminate your partner selection. And if you do get a healthy one, you don't like him or you're too messed up from the pathological relationship to be in a healthy relationship so he leaves.

Untreated symptoms make intrusive thoughts worse so obsessions increase. Friends abandon you because they are tired of hearing about the obsessions so you isolate.

Isolation makes you at risk of recontacting him and recontacting him lowers your coping skills.

As your coping skills drop your bad habits increase (drinking, medication over use, eating, hibernating).


As your coping skills lower your fantasizing increases 'Maybe he ISN'T pathological' "Maybe he WILL stop cheating, etc.' and your minimizing begins 'At least he .....'

More contact with him increases your Post Traumatic Stress symptoms of flashbacks, fear of the future, unbridled worry, depression,and insomnia.

Is any of this sounding familiar? There is a typical decompensation pattern that most of the women go through. Recovery can stop that decompensation and begin rebuilding your life.

By December 31 of this year (2013) how many of you will be in the same situation, with the same man, having the same symptoms?

On the other hand, how many of you will be 'pathology free?' -- symptoms reduced,

a new vigor for life, insight about how this happened and how to avoid it in the future?

How many of you will be less depressed and anxious, more active, lost weight, have more friends,

have a better job, have happier children, got more self esteem so a better job or gone back to school, and have potential to have a healthy relationship...?

I'm not a resolution type person so I don't make them but I AM an advocate for complete life changes. Not tiny habits, big overhauls. Let's face it, if you have dated a narcissist or a psychopath, you NEED a big life overhaul. Something malfunctioned in your life that created this

huge blind spot under which really sick people flew into your life, camped there, and overtly destroyed you. That's not a little issue---take a look at the condition of your life and see if you think it was 'little.' Ask others if they think it was little.

2013 is going to be a great year here at The Institute--I can just feel it. We spent the last three years laying a solid ground work for super programming next year.

For the first time ever, everything is in place to heal for the women who have loved pathologicals. I believe we have covered all the bases with phone support (coaching and weekly support groups), in person coaching (retreats, 1:1s, and inpatient treatment), portable products (ebooks, books, DVDs, CDS) and community outreach through workshops in your area. We have removed the barriers to assistance by creating our program in as many formats as possible. I recently found out that the Dangerous Man book is now in almost every country of the world!

I hope in 2013 instead of being a mere name on our email list, you'll be a very active part of The Institute beginning by working on your own healing. Then we hope you will run support groups in your community, give powerpoint presentations for other women in your area, or start an advocacy group. Instead of emailing me and telling me what ELSE I should be doing (I'm tired enough!), how about you step out and be the powerhouse in your own community?

How about you take it to the streets and pass it forward? How about you turn your life around so you can be a role model to other women?

All of this begins when you start healing yourself...and moving forward.

The truth is, there is only us to educate others. You don't see a multi-million dollar ad campaign with billboards on the highways that announce how to spot pathological relationships do you? That's because it doesn't exist. Sadly, no one has funded a national campaign to warn and educate others. However, what exists is The Institute + You = Education For Others.

It's you and me, babe!

As Gandhi said 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'

Join us in 2013 for Healing Your Heart! We're here.
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Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue
applicable to both genders.
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Finding Effective Help in 2013!

By now, if you have been trying to heal from a pathological love relationship and can't find effective and knowledgeable counseling, you have probably figured out what we have...that the pathological love relationship is NOT widely understood.

Frustrated women hear unhelpful advice from family, friends, and even therapists who label their attachment to pathological men as 'codependent' or 'mutually addictive' or merely 'emotional abuse.' Women jump from counselor to counselor, and from one group counseling experience to another group counseling experience looking for someone, ANYONE, who understands this intense attachment to a dangerous and pathological man.

She looks for some understanding at 'what' is wrong with him.  Giving him the label of 'abuser' doesn't quite cover the extensive array of the brilliant psychopathic tendencies he possesses.  Why did he target HER?  Why does she feel both intense attachment and loathing for him at the same time?  Why do her symptoms resemble 'mind control' more than mere abused woman syndrome? Why is the bonding with this man more intense and unshakable than any other man?  Is it abuse if he never physically harms her but has the mental infiltration of a CIA operative?

What we are finding out from our research with those who have been in pathological love relationships is that all of the usual dynamics in regular relationships, both functional and the occasional dysfunctional DON'T apply to pathological relationships.  All of the usual dynamics of addictive relationships, codependent relationships and dysfunctional relationships DON'T apply to the pathological relationship, either.  No wonder women can't find the help they need...it hasn't been taught YET! Our research is pointing towards women who DON'T fit into the stereotypes of women we normally see in shelters, counseling centers, and in other abusive situations. These are not women who have the kinds of histories we normally associate with abuse, nor do they have the kinds of current lives that fit the demographics of most counseling programs and shelters.  Their personality traits and behaviors fit no other 'typologies.'  And, their current symptoms don't match the simply 'dysfunctional-type' love relationship.

Could it be that the dynamics in pathological love relationships really ARE different than other types of relationships?  Could this be why women in these types of relationships aren't helped by more prevalent types of intervention offered to other types of abusive relationships?  Why does the Power & Control Wheel model seem ineffective with these types of women? Why are these women LESS likely to seek traditional counseling?  And if they do, why are they less likely to be helped by it?  Why are these women's personality traits so vastly different than shelter women, or abused women?

Too many women have been through the ringer of counselors 'not-understanding-psychopathology,' family 'lumping-all-relationship-types-together,' friends saying-'just-get-over-it' and counseling-programs 'telling-her-she's-just-codependent'.  Too many women have stopped seeking help because they are tired of too many people 'not getting it.'  Psychology has to allow itself to grow beyond a one-size-fits-all approach when dealing with women emerging from pathological love relationships, because all relationships are not created equal - especially when one of them is pathological. Not understanding the effects of pathology on relationships, self-concept, and recovery deters a woman's ability to heal.  Understanding the DIFFERENCES in these types of relationships is critical.

The Institute has developed programs and materials exactly for this reason. We developed our telephone coaching program for women in immediate need of validation of their experiences, our retreat programs are specifically geared to 'Healing the Aftermath of the Pathological Love Relationship,' our Therapist Affiliate Program training which provides other therapists nationwide the clinical training to help women heal from these types of relationships, and our 40 plus products all developed to teach pathology and its related issues to others.

Why?  Why all the effort in treatment related issues? Because the absence of trained counselors is screamingly evident.  Our mailing list asks the question week after week, 'Can you recommend someone in Florida, Michigan, the United Kingdom, Canada, California, Oregon...who can help...? Why don't counselors understand this? Why can't anyone explain to me what is going on? If one more counselor or family member suggests I am codependent or a relationship addict, I'm going to scream!' Why is this so hard to understand?

Much like the beginning phases of the addiction field, the pathological love relationship field is feeling the same phase of misunderstanding that other theories of counseling have encountered.  When the field is new or the knowledge is groundbreaking, there is an overt lack of trained responders.  Unfortunately, those who suffer the new phases are the victims/survivors that wish there were more trained service providers.

The Institute operates as a public education project on psychopathological issues, which means we try to train anyone and everyone in the issues of pathology.  This includes the women in the relationships AND those who are likely to be emotional supports to women recovering from these relationships.  Please bear with what entails, as an entirely new and emerging field of psychology is trying to race to catch up to the knowledge of what is needed for this particular population of people.  After all, until we began our research and writings, no one had even bothered to study the female partners of psychopaths and partners of other pathological types.  No one created research projects to study the personality traits, histories, and chronic vulnerabilities of women who have been in these relationships.  So, to that degree, we are virginal in our exploration of these issues.

At The Institute, we try to be immediately responsive to the needs of individuals.  In the last year we have exploded in growth in our outreach:
•    Our weekly newsletter continues to reach more and more people
•    The blogs we write for websites such as Psychology Today and Times Up! help to reach an even larger audience with the educational value of our expertise
•    Our books, CDs, DVDs are international
•    Expanded retreat format, and private1:1's with Sandra and Jennifer
•    Telephone coaching has doubled in size
•    Weekly teleconferencing support groups
•    Therapist Training Programs

All are born out of our desire to reach YOU!  As needs are repeatedly identified by our mailing list, we try to quickly ascertain how to develop a program to meet the needs presented.  That's because we recognize that the services available out there are slim.  We provide what we can, knowing that we are a drop in the bucket to the needs that exist--but an ever needed drop to a thirsty population.  So unless we duplicate ourselves through products and services, many women will go untreated.

I know for many women who are struggling to recover from the diabolical aftermath of a pathological relationship that it seems that too few services exist.  Please remain hopeful that along with The Institute there are other therapists and agencies that hear your cry and are reaching out for training so they can help you recover.  We too, are always looking at how we can expand our scope and reach.  If you have ideas about how we can help you further, please let us know your thoughts.

In the meantime, if our coaching programs can be of assistance please use them.  Or if you are a therapist, please come to our trainings. If you are a survivor, we would love for you to bring healing to yourself through our phone coaching, support groups, or retreats.  The fact is, the more we learn, the more we can teach.  But we can only do so much.  One agency like ours can't heal the world.  But we can teach what we know and assist in healing those who come for help, which is why we are always encouraging therapists to get trained.  Don't lose heart that there are few services that understand your unique situation with a pathological.  Remain hopeful that in a new field of psychology, we are growing as fast as we can!

Watch with us vigilantly, as we see this new field of psychology emerge and expand!  Please let 2013 be the year of healing for you. We've worked hard so that you have many of our resources that can help you move forward.

Much healing to you in 2013!

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Copyright Notice:All articles, newsletters, hand outs, websites, books, e-books, power points, or other written information as well as digital information on our radio shows, MP3s, CDs, and DVDs are copyrighted by The Institute. We take plagiarism very seriously and utilize computer scanning software to prosecute for the theft of intellectual property. If you have questions about the use of our information, please read our copyright page on the magazine or contact our Intellectual Property Management team.
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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue
applicable to both genders.
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Happiness -VS- Joy Part II

Last week I began talking about the issue of happiness and how happiness is hinged on external conditions such as relationships, things, careers, stuff....Our happiness is largely conditional based on if things go the way we think they should go and if people act the way we think they should act.

This leaves alot of our own happiness tied to someone else's shirt tails and when he leaves, your happiness goes right out the door with him. Last week I got to tell some fun stories about my mom and her concepts of  happiness.

What I talked about regarding my mom is her 'joy' which was far different than her happiness. She wasn't always happy. My father was murdered. That certainly did not bring happiness. Her 2nd husband stole her life savings and was a sociopath. No happiness there. Her last 'main squeeze' in her life died of prostrate cancer--a lot of sadness there. Yet, my mother was unusually 'joyful.'

Because joy has to do with the quality of US, not them. It's a me factor, not a him, or them, factor. Happiness may be external but joy is internal and in many ways eternal. It imminates from within us and can exist even when the external cirucmstances of our lives 'suck.'

Joy can be infectious and can touch others when how we are has nothing to do with who we are with. It's a barometer reading of how we are doing with ourselves and in our own spiritual development. It reminds us how we are doing with managing our own outlook, optimism, and future. We may not have control over what he's doing, who he's doing, or how he's doing but we do have control over how we choose to see our circumstances. This is the essence of internal joy--managing the world view from the inside instead of taking your emotional temperature based on how well he's behaving. How I am or how my joy is can't be taken by a thermometer from his mouth. It has to be taken from our internal and eternal wellbeing.

When you are finally able to shift your focus of 'where' and 'how' joy is created, it is a mind blowing change. Because you no longer hold tight to the reins of external control---I'll be happy when someone else does this_________. You are able to refocus on finding joy in your life, just the way it is, with yourself and all your warts.  In fact, over the past couple years I wrote about this regarding Viktor Frankel a jewish psychiatrist who went thru the Holocaust and developed what is now called 'Existential Psychology' which is finding meaning in pain AND taking control of how you see what you have lived thru.

If all pain is bad then there is no gift in it. If there is no gift there is no learning. If there is no learning there is no opportunity to transform it. If you can't transform it, you are it's victim.

Joy comes from right perspective when we tweak how we see ourselves, our lives, and the lessons of our lives. When life is a spiritual walk not just a relationship destination, we are able to see the lessons as part of the journey and the OPTION of having joy even in the midst of a unplanned disaster like a pathological relationship. Joy is like a new eye glass prescription--it clears up and crisps up how we see who we are on this journey and path of life even while in pain.

Your pain does not have to define you. That's your choice. You are more than your pain. And so is your life!

If we can help you in 2012 move forward in your joy, please consider joining us for the ONLY TWO retreats we are doing in 2012. February and March. Contact us for more information.

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Joy -VS- Happiness

You were out looking for a little happiness when you stumbled upon Dr. Jekyll as he was appearing wonderful and considerate. Strangely, before you knew it, evil Mr. Hyde was instead dismantling anything that resembled happiness and leaving in it's wake, destruction and despair.

Despair is a long way from the happiness you were initially seeking. How did you get from mere happiness-seeking to a totally despairing life? How can you embrace the happiness that you set out to find?

It might not even be 'happiness' per se that you were initially seeking. You might have been looking for someone who was introspective, spiritual and existential.  But you tell me...

Happiness is external. It's based on situations, events, people, places, things, and thoughts. Happiness is connected to your hope for a relationship or your hope for a future with someone. Happiness is linked to that 'some day when I meet the right guy' or 'when he starts changing and acting right' or 'when he goes to counseling.'

Happiness is future oriented and it puts all its eggs in someone elses basket. It is dependent on outside situations, people, or events to align with your expectations so that the end result is your happiness. These expectations can be seen especially during the holidays when whether or not you have a 'merry christmas' or a 'happy holiday' depends on whether or not he is with you, shows up, isn't drunk, isn't cheating, or a list of other behaviors you expect for a 'happy holiday' experience. Unfortunately, pathology rarely obliges in that way. So when the relationship falls thru, or he isn't wonderful at Christmas, or you kick him out, or he cheats again, or he runs off with your money, or he was a con artist...then your holidays were not 'happy' and your happiness
was crushed.

Unhappiness is the result. It's a typical and inevitable result in pathological love relationships. Afterall, it's the only way it CAN turn out. There are no happy endings to pathological relationships. After Christmas and New Years, he will still be pathological and you will still have the same problems you had in November. You notice that The Institute has not written a book called 'How to Have a Happy Relationship With a Pathological.'

Chronic unhappiness leads to despair and depression. Remember the emotional roller coaster you rode with him? You were happy when he was good, and miserable when he was bad? You were hypnotically lulled into happy-land when you were with him and in intrusive thought-hell when you weren't? Your happiness was hitched to his rear end. When he was around (and behaving) you were happy. When he wasn't, your happiness followed his rear end right out the door and you were obsessing, wondering, and pacing.

Happiness is what you feel when he says the 'right romantic' stuff, buys you a ring or moves in. But happiness is not joy because joy is not external, it can't be bought and it is not conditional on someone else's behavior. In fact, joy is not contingent on anything in order to exist. You don't have to have 'him' for the holidays to have joy. Likewise, you don't have to get revenge, snoop out his short comings, tell the new girlfriend the truth or any thing else in order to have joy. You can lose in court with him, already have lost your life savings to him, watch him out with a new woman, or live out of the back of your car and still have joy.

You're probably thinking,'Sure you can have joy in those circumstances if you are Mother Teresa!' Joy is almost a mystery, isn't it? It's a spiritual quality that is internal. My mother had a lot of joy and I learned from watching her joy. Her pathological man ran off with her life savings forcing her to work well past retirement. It forced her to live simply so moved to a one room beach shack and drove a motorcycle. For cheap entertainment, she walked the beach and painted nudes. She drank cheap grocery store wine that came in a box, bought her clothes from thrift shops, and made beach totes from crocheting plastic grocery bags together. She recycled long before it was hip to do it. But what she recycled most and best was pain....into joy.

Instead of looking externally for yet another relationship to remove the sting of the last one, or to conquer the boredom she might feel at being alone...she cultivated internal and deep abiding joy. It was both an enigma and a privlege to watch this magnificent life emerge from the ashes of great betrayal.

I use her a lot as an example of someone who went ahead and got a great life and turned this rotten deal into an exquistie piece of art called her life. Anyone who spoke of my mother spoke MOST of her radiant joy. She had the 'IT' factor long before it was even called 'IT.' Women flocked to her to ask 'How did you do it? How did you shed the despair and bitterness of what he did and grow into this? THIS bright shining joyful person? What is your secret?'

Somewhere along that rocky path of broken relationships with pathological men, she learned that happiness is fleeting if it's tied to a man's shirt tails. She watched too many of the shirt tails walk out the door with her happiness tied to his butt. In order to find the peacefulness that resides inside, she had to learn what was happiness and what was joy.

The transitory things of life are happiness-based. She had a big house and lost a big house when she divorced my father. She had a big career and lost a big career when she got 'too old' according to our culture to have the kind of job she had. She had diamonds and lost diamonds.

So she entered into voluntary simplicity where the fire of purging away 'stuff' left a clearer picture and path to the internal life. When stuff, people, and the problems they bring fall away there is a stillness. Only in that stillness can we ever find the joy that resides inside of us, dependent on nothing external in order to exist. During this holiday season, this is a great concept to contemplate.

Her joy came from deeply held spiritual beliefs but it also came from a place even beyond that. Joy comes when you make peace with who you are, where you are, why you are, and who you are not with. When you need nothing more than your truth and the love of a good God to bring peace, then you have settled into the abiding joy that is not rocked by relationships. It's not rocked by anything.

It wasn't rocked as she layed dying four years ago in the most peaceful arms of grace--a blissful state of quiet surrender and anticipation. Those who were witness to her death still tell me that her death brought new understanding to them about the issue of real joy. Joy in all things....death of a dream, death of relationship, death of a body. Joy from within, stripped down, naked and beautiful.

Untie your happiness from the ends of his shirt tales...

Merry Christmas and Peace To You In This Season of Peaceful Opportunities!

From whom shall we look to understand personal and corporate pathology? Where shall our public pathology education come from?

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Triggers and Knee Jerk Reactions During the Holidays

The holidays are stressful under the best of situations. Add to it a dangerous and pathological relationships and you can have a prescription for **guaranteed** unhappiness.

The pathological relationship never lies dormant during the holidays. It's an opportunity to recontact you--of course "just to wish you a Merry Christmas." If you haven't already, do read The Institute's materials regarding our 'Starve the Vampire' teaching on no contact! He has a million hooks he will use to get you back in...here's one! Christmas!

A text message of Happy Holidays is not good cheer. It's a hook.  A Christmas Card is not a mass card to everyone--it is a targeted approach for you. A gift left on your door step isn't a thoughtful gift--it's a manipulation because being the good mannered girl you are, you'll call and thank him and then he'll have you on the phone....and it all goes down hill from there.

Then there's the mistletoe, and the date for New Years Eve, and the gift he left for your child or your parents....The holidays are one BIG OP-POR-TU-NITY for Mr. Opportunistic.

The No Contact rule still applies and he'll be testing your boundaries to see if it applies during the holidays. If it DOESN'T apply and you responded to him or sent him a text/card/call, you have just taught him where your loop hole is. You also said something very LOUD to him. You just screamed in his ear " I'm Lonely! Come snuggle with me." And you know what he's thinking, "You don't have to ask TWICE!"

Ladies, Christmas is ONE day of the year that is laced with a lot of triggering memories. Maybe from childhood where you believe "miracles happen on Christmas" or "everyone should be together then" or the sights, smells, and memories of past Christmases with him are rehashing in your mind. Don't stay stuck in that 'air brushed Christmas memory' -- how about you pull out your memory list from the other 363 days of the year and how he behaved then? One night with the twinkle of Christmas tree lights and a ribbon on a gift doesn't make a pathological man stable!

Get out of the fantasy. Christmas has a way of hypnotizing women into the fantasy of his positive behavior and his lack of pathology. Nothing changed because we hit Christmas season. It's just a BIGGER opportunity for him to hook you.

If you're still with the pathological person, they can be very sabotaging at this time of year wanting to strip every little piece of joy you could get from the season away. They get drunk, pick fights, say mean things to your family, yell at the kids, and don't participate.

Don't react. Have a great Christmas while he wallows around in that puddle of pathology.

You know one of the things we found out in our research? You ladies tested unbelieveably high in 'sentimentality'. What are the holidays all about? SENTIMENT! If your sentiment is on caffeine, what do you think it will do? Be restrained or have a knee jerk reaction because all that sentiment is coursing thru your veins?

One slip up now could cost you a year of trying to get rid of him again. Call a support person and tell them you VOW to them not to have contact this season. Then make plans to fill up your time so it's not even a possibility.

I have 'lectued' our readers about loneliness because this 4 inch stack on research sitting on my desk that you ladies filled out, tells me that you lapse and lapse and lapse again when you feel lonely. Holidays induce loneliness. Plan ahead and safe guard. "I was lonely is not an excuse for starting something that will once again destroy your life!"

Instead, do something wonderful with your kids. Get outside, take a walk, go to a movie with friends, do some scrapbooking, get some of our books to read, go to a nursing home and visit someone! Sit in a chapel alone and count blessings, walk your dog more, go to the gym! Do anything except have a knee jerk reaction to your excessive sentimentality gene!!

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Fantasy And It's Effect On Your Reality

Over the  past few months we have been talking about the power of defense mechanisms. It is unfortunately common to employ defense mechanisms that actually enhance your own emotional suffering. And of course, what we want you to employ are resources that help you recover not defense mechanisms that keep you stuck. You have suffered enough from the pathological love relationship and the last thing you need is for your own psychology to be working against you. So today we're going to
talk about 'fantasy' and how that too can effect your emotional suffering.

Eckart Tollee said "Emotional suffering is created in the moment we don't accept what is."

Women who are in relationships with pathologicals have a very strong trait of 'fantasy.' Fantasy is not just merely wishful thinking but has additional components in it that effect your here and now life. Fantasy is often associated with the future and in some ways, the past.

Here's how... women often stay in pathological relationships because they feel panic or fear of abandonment when the pathological tries to end the relationship. She ends up re-contacting or allowing re-contact because of these feelings of fear/panic/abandonment.

Abandonment is an early childhood feeling. As adults, we don't technically feel 'abandoned' although that's the feeling state we think we are having when someone leaves us. The adult feeling state is loss, not abandonment but when someone has unresolved early childhood abandonment issues, any loss will template it self on top of the feelings of abandonment. Adults are techincally incapable of being abandoned (unless you are, for instance, medically dependent.) The reason we aren't capable of being abandoned as adults is that as mentally healthy adults, we really can't be abandoned in the childhood sense. The feeling is an early childhood feeling usually associated with a time of parental abandonment. It is an age-regression feeling--something that pulls you back to your childhood or a very young emotional state. Every time I write about abandonment I will get a furious letter from someone INSISTING they are adults and they feel abandoned.  There are two categories in which adults go through intense feelings of child-like abandonment. One is if the adult has a trauma disorder and has unresolved early childhood issues from parental abandonment that have not been treated in therapy. In that case, those feelings often resurface attached to unprocessed traumatic feelings. The other intense abandonment feeings are often held by people with Borderline Personality Disorder who regularly feel abandoned.' I still maintain as a former psychotherapist, that are adults cannot be abandoned unless you are elderly, medically need care, or have cognitive disorders that require caretaking. This is not to say you don't PERCEIVE yourself as abandoned.  But if you were dropped in the middle of a city 'abandoned' you would make your way to the police department or social services and would be fed, sheltered, and given provisions. Therefore, you were not abandoned the way a child would experience if dropped in the middle of a city.

The feeling of 'ending' a relationship often subconsciously sets off childhood feelings of abandonment. These are past associations that taps into fantasy that it is happening all over again when it really isn't. The previous male in your life who did abandon you as a child (for instance) is not the same thing as a pathological leaving your adult life.

But inside, emotionally, the child feeling state is so strong that it feels like a 'hole in the soul.' The fantasy of THIS (him leaving) being the same as THAT (my parent left me) takes hold and your panic makes you go back to stop the panic or allow him back in to squelch the sense of abandonment.

Fantasy is also future oriented. Fairytales are fantasy based on "Once upon a time....and happily ever after" which is all the good stuff that 'might' happen in the future. Nothing evokes stronger fantasy thinking than the holidays which bring up either good memories of holidays past or, the total fantasy that THIS year will be the 'Once upon a time' holiday.

Women stay in relationships with pathologicals based on a lot of 'fantasy future betting' -- that is 'he might stop acting pathological, 'he might stop cheating,' 'he might tell the truth.'Fantasy betting is a lot like gambling...betting on a future that is not likely to happen with a pathological. Betting on a Normal Rockwell holiday...oh I meant 'Norman Rockwell' holiday---is fantasy betting as well.

Why? Because pathology is the inability to change and sustain consistent postive change, grow in any meaningful way, and the inability to for him to see how his behavior negatively effects others.

But women also stay in pathological relationships based on 'projected fantasies' that is, she fantasizes he will be happy with the NEXT woman and the next women will get all his good traits and none of his bad. This too is fantasy....that his pathology somehow will not effect he next woman the way it effects you. (You can't turn pathology on and off like a light switch!)

Here's some info:

Pathology Effects EVERYONE the SAME!! (Unless she's pathological as well--then who cares if he goes on to have a relationship worthy of a Jerry Springer Show?).

* Women fantasize that this 'abandonment' feeling will effect her the way the childhood abandonment did. (And it will not--just as an FYI for you).

* Women fantasize that he will be different with them. If he is trully pathological he is hard-wired. This IS his DNA.

* Women fantazie that he will be happy in the future and she is missing out on something. If he is truly pathological,his patterns don't change.

Fantasy is not related to the here and now. Fantasy is not being present in your real life to what is happening around you in this moment. Fantasy is 'out there somewhere' kind of thinking. Come back to what's real right now. List the 5 most real points about him right here:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Now stand back, step out of the childhood feelings, and look at the list with adult eyes. You can't be abandoned as an adult because where ever you go, there you are and you are all you need as an adult. You don't have dependency needs as an adult like you did as a child. To be abandoned is to be dependent on the one who is abandoning. Adults are not dependent.

Your real life is going on right NOW while you are in your head about his drama and the pathological intrigue. You are
MISSING your real life that is happening right now! Drama, obsession and intrusive thoughts are usually about fantasy--the past or the present. It sure isn't about this present moment and what's happening right now. Such as, you might be ignoring your own health, your own self care and happiness and maybe that of your children and friends because of how much time you spend in fantasy. Fantasy is telling you 'just a little longer and he'll get it and then I'll have the life I really want.'

Fantasy wants to whisper in your ear to ignore it all for a few days during the holidays when you can pretend to be that Normal Rockwell family. But on December 26th, Mr Pathology will be there in all his glittering Cluster B-ness to remind you nothing happened except a Christmas Tree.  You unwrapped a 'gift' of pathology because all you really wanted for Christmas was your pile of fantasy, right? NO! No adult really wants for Christmas 'her own psychopath.'

There is stil time to straighten out your Holiday Fantasy Thinking before December 24th.  Get a hold of it so you can enjoy a pathology-free holiday.

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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How To NOT Go Back/Hook Up During The Holidays

Last week I wrote about the "Power of Relapsing' and got many emails saying "THANK YOU for writing about it as I was thinking about going back to the relationship just so I wasn't alone during the holidays! You saved me from a disaster!"

Here's a secret: "Even if you go back, you're still alone. You've been alone the entire time because by nature of their disorder, they can't be there for you. So you're alone--now, in the holidays, or with them. With them, you have more drama, damage and danger. Your choice...."

People relapse and go back into relationships more from Thanksgiving thru Valentines Day than any other time of the year. Why? So many great holidays to fake it in! Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, V-Day....then PHOOEY! You're out. Why not be out now and stay out and save face. You're not fooling anyone...not yourself, them, or your family and friends.

Holidays are extremely stressful times. It's a time when it is more likely

* For domestic violence to occur

* For dysfunctional families to be even MORE dysfunctional

* People drink more

* People binge eat because of the stress

* Some feel pressured to 'be in a relationship' during the holidays and accept dates or stay with dangerous persons to 'just get thru the holidays'

* To overspend

* To not get enough rest

*  It's an idealistic time when people have more depression and anxiety than any other time of the year. Depression creeps in, anxiety increases, to cope they eat/drink/spend/date in ways they normally would not.

People put extraordinary pressure on themselves thinking their lives 'should be' the picture postcards and old movies we watch this time of year. You can't make a 'picture postcard memory with a psychopath or a narcissist!'

Here's a mantra to say outloud for yourself "I'm pretending that staying/going back with a psychopath/narcissist will make my holidays better."  Pretty ridiculous thought, isn't it? Something happens when you say the REAL thing outloud. It takes all the romaticization and fantasy out of the thought and smacks a little reality in your face.

"I want to be with a psychopath/narcissist for the holiday."  Say that three times to yourself out loud....

NO!! That's not what you want. That's what you GOT. You want to be with a nice man/woman/person for the holidays. As you VERY well know, they're not it.

"I want to share my special holidays with my special psychopath."  ???  Nope. That's not it either. But that's what's going to happen unless you buck up and start telling yourself the truth. It's OK to be by yourself for the holidays. It sure beats pathology as a gift.

Here's a real gift for you--some tips!

TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEALTHIER HOLIDAY

~ Stop idealizing--you are who you are, it is what it is. If your family isn't perfect, they certainly WON'T be during the season. In fact, everyone acts WORSE during the holidays. It is the peak of dysfunction. Accept yourself and others for who they are.

~ Don't feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to. Remind yourself you have choices and that the word 'No' is a complete sentence.

~ Take quiet time during the season or you'll get run over by the sheer speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy your own present now--some bubble bath and spend quality time with some bubbles by yourself. Light a candle, find 5 things to be grateful for. Repeat often.

~ Take same-sex friends to parties and don't feel OBLIGATED to go with someone you don't want to go with. People end up in the worse binds of going to parties with others and get stuck in relationships they don't want to be in because of it. Find a few other friends who are willing to be 'party partners' during the holidays.

~ Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the homeless, buy toys for kids.

~ Find time for spiritual reflection. It's the only way to really feel the season and reconnect. Go to a service, pray, meditate, reflect.

~ Pick ONE growth oriented issue you'd like to focus on for 2011 and begin cultivating it in your mind--look for resources you can use to kick start your own growth on January 1.

~ Plant joy--in your self, in your life and in others.

I am so passionate about this subject and concerned for your well being this holiday that I have made an mp3 message for you. To listen to my 15 min broadcast about protecting yourself this holiday season from relapse and hook ups, click here: http://www.howtospotadangerousman.com/Audio/Christmas2008Message.mp3
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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