Last week we began talking about the ongoing battles with pathologicals—whether it is a break up, move out, divorce, property settlement, mediation, child custody, or the ever-revolving door of litigious events with law enforcement or the legal system. By nature of the pathology, they are MORE likely to allege falsified abuse, stalk the other parent, sue, continue to sue, not settle, to refuse mediation services, to go to court over things like “his shoes are dirty, therefore this is parental neglect,” to reject every child evaluator, reject every child therapist, reject every child pediatrician, reject every child’s school choice and on and on.
They gaslight situations suggesting things have happened that didn’t, nor can they be proven that they DID or DID NOT happen. (Classic gaslighting is associated with NPDs, ASPDs, socio/psychopaths.) After exchange antics, they are MORE likely to need court monitored visits which means ‘a babysitter’ is required to watch their behavior, yet they will reject every monitor chosen, every center selected, or will find centers that are the farthest away in the most dangerous areas to ask the other parent to bring the child to.
They also do not follow through on child support payments, medical needs the children may have, do not pay their share of attorney and court fees, etc. They use up enormous amount of legal resources which have given them their own title within the legal system - ‘High Conflict Person’. Eventually this becomes a ‘High Conflict Case’ for you and for them.
A ‘typical’ legal scenario (provided by Bill Eddy www.billeddy.com) is:
A Petition is filed, and then there are countless emergency court hearings, restraining orders, restricted visitation, and/or residence exclusion, many filing for temporary hearings on custody, visitation, child support, and spousal support. Then there is the unending filing for many declarations for hearing, getting an evaluator appointed, preparing documentation for evaluators/court (often done multiple times), serving numerous subpoenas, taking lists and lists of depositions, going thru the demand for documentations, attending multiple temporary hearings.
Now they have received the trial only to have delays that can go on for years, disputes over evaluators’ reports and other unending other objections. Then begins the continuous disputes over trial court orders, motions for reconsideration, etc. Sprinkled throughout are the constant allegations to child services of abuse and neglect, the rallying of others to support the allegations, and the utter exhaustion of the child services departments with the constant threats of suing them, etc. Once/if after all these enormous amounts of time, money, energy is expended and the divorce is granted, there is still the ongoing post divorce hearings with the constant modification requests, custody battles, alleging new relationships which are bad for the children, and failed relationships with others bringing in new conflicts, drama and trauma.
It’s easy to see that this kind of behavior is what is shutting down our court systems and why it’s hard to get simple things done. Ninety percent of the problems are being produced by a small percentage of the people who have the largest percentage of mental health and pathology disorders. In fact, it is cases like THESE that indicate to professionals working on these cases that there is, in fact, pathology present. They have already been named ‘High Conflict Persons’ to help identify the partner who is likely to keep producing litigious insanity. It has taken a while for all the professional systems involved in cases like these to come to understand what behavior like this IS attached to - chronic and unrelenting pathology.
For many years euphemisms have been used for these people - “difficult cases”, “pain in the butt cases”, “problematic”, etc. Instead of understanding these ARE the behaviors associated with pathological conditions and pathology is simply being what it is—in the relationship, in the parenting, and in the courts. It holds its mask in place for a while but the mask always slips allowing other professionals to identify the behaviors and recognize the pathology. This is the unification of how Public Pathology Awareness is beginning to allow systems involved with pathologicals to more easily identify them by their universal and consistent behaviors, in and out of court.
One of the Institute’s goals is to bring training about these consistent and universal behaviors to therapists, coaches, the legal system, child evaluators, monitors, child therapists, Minor’s Counsel, and social service workers. ‘Why’ high conflict persons act this way has everything to do with the disorder itself.
When we understand pathology and its neuro-implications, we can not only know what behaviors go with which disorders but why. We can learn to predict the kinds of known behaviors and antics that go with pathological disorders– in child rearing, in court proceedings, and in relationship endings. Those behaviors include imperative impulsivity, loophole lying, game playing, gaslighting, reliable revenge, the prevalent projecting, and legendary legal litany of cases. Normal people don’t do this in court, in relationships, or in life. It is the glaring opposites that almost always give us the best indicator that what is happening is not what other people do, behave, or believe. So, ours shouldn’t be to ask ‘why’ pathologicals do this. It’s to say ‘why not?’ After all, that’s how they are wired.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Ongoing Battles with Pathologicals – Part 1, When Will This Ever End?
Many of the Institute’s clients want to know ‘when will this ever end?’ — ‘this’ being the aggravation from a pathological in the form of:
• Constantly harassing you
• Stalking
• Stirring the pot
• Making up allegations against you
• Not paying what they are suppose to
• Going back to court for the 1,000th time
• Turning others against you
• Turning you in to Social Services for child abuse
• Lying to the judge
• Paying others off to lie for him in court
• Gaslighting you or others
• Making others dread him, you, or your situation
The truth is, this IS what pathology does. If court evaluators, child monitors, judges, attorneys, batterer intervention counselors, anger management therapists—all those working in the field— knew that this IS what pathology does, it would heighten everyone’s awareness about pathology. Instead, euphemisms are used for this kind of behavior:
• Drama cases
• Trauma cases
• Dead beat dads
• High conflict divorces
• Jerks
• Snakes in Suits
• Con artists
• Custody Battles
• No resolution cases
Behaviors related to making allegations, lying in court, hiring others to lie, hiring others to stalk or spy on you, putting spyware in your house/car/computer, and harassing social services/child services workers eat up an enormous amount of court hours and are all behaviors ASSOCIATED with pathology—not drama, not trauma, not dead beats, not conflict, not jerks, not snakes and not cons, but Cluster B personality disorders such as Borderline, Narcissistic, Anti-Social and the other Low/No Conscience disorders such as Socio/Psychopaths.
We are continually flooded with inquiries about ‘how to’ survive until ‘this all stops’. Women aren’t finding help with ‘how to’ survive, ‘how to’ appropriately communicate with him to have the least ‘aftermath,’ what to do when he alleges things to child services, judges, and courts, how to document well for court now and in the future, what dissuades them, how to angle the situation so he exposes his true self/disorder/motives, how to take care of herself until some of this slows down, stops, or a miracle occurs.
Pathology is exhausting. This isn’t something ‘unique’ to your case. It’s standard in cases with pathologicals. You didn’t cause it — it’s the disorder just being what it is. Too, some of the things that are done in ‘normal’ cases aren’t in the best interest of your case simply because using what ‘works’ with normal people, NEVER works in pathology.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).
• Constantly harassing you
• Stalking
• Stirring the pot
• Making up allegations against you
• Not paying what they are suppose to
• Going back to court for the 1,000th time
• Turning others against you
• Turning you in to Social Services for child abuse
• Lying to the judge
• Paying others off to lie for him in court
• Gaslighting you or others
• Making others dread him, you, or your situation
The truth is, this IS what pathology does. If court evaluators, child monitors, judges, attorneys, batterer intervention counselors, anger management therapists—all those working in the field— knew that this IS what pathology does, it would heighten everyone’s awareness about pathology. Instead, euphemisms are used for this kind of behavior:
• Drama cases
• Trauma cases
• Dead beat dads
• High conflict divorces
• Jerks
• Snakes in Suits
• Con artists
• Custody Battles
• No resolution cases
Behaviors related to making allegations, lying in court, hiring others to lie, hiring others to stalk or spy on you, putting spyware in your house/car/computer, and harassing social services/child services workers eat up an enormous amount of court hours and are all behaviors ASSOCIATED with pathology—not drama, not trauma, not dead beats, not conflict, not jerks, not snakes and not cons, but Cluster B personality disorders such as Borderline, Narcissistic, Anti-Social and the other Low/No Conscience disorders such as Socio/Psychopaths.
We are continually flooded with inquiries about ‘how to’ survive until ‘this all stops’. Women aren’t finding help with ‘how to’ survive, ‘how to’ appropriately communicate with him to have the least ‘aftermath,’ what to do when he alleges things to child services, judges, and courts, how to document well for court now and in the future, what dissuades them, how to angle the situation so he exposes his true self/disorder/motives, how to take care of herself until some of this slows down, stops, or a miracle occurs.
Pathology is exhausting. This isn’t something ‘unique’ to your case. It’s standard in cases with pathologicals. You didn’t cause it — it’s the disorder just being what it is. Too, some of the things that are done in ‘normal’ cases aren’t in the best interest of your case simply because using what ‘works’ with normal people, NEVER works in pathology.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Happiness vs. Joy, Part 2: Dangerous Liaisons
Last week I began talking about the issue of happiness, and how happiness is hinged on external conditions such as relationships, things, careers, stuff. … Our happiness is largely conditional based on “if things go the way we think they should go” or “if people act the way we think they should act.”
This leaves a lot of our own happiness tied to someone else’s shirt-tails and when he leaves, your happiness goes right out the door with him.
Last week I related some fun stories about my mom and her concepts of happiness. What I talked about regarding my mom was her JOY which was far different than her happiness. She wasn’t always happy. My father was murdered. That certainly did not bring happiness. Her second husband stole her life savings and was a sociopath. No happiness there. Her last “main squeeze” in her life died of prostrate cancer—a lot of sadness there. Yet, my mother was unusually “joyful.”
Joy has to do with the quality of US, not them. It’s a ME factor, not a him, or them, factor. Happiness may be external but joy is internal, and, in many ways, eternal. It emanates from within us, and can exist even when the external circumstances of our lives “suck.”
Joy can be infectious and can touch others when how we are has nothing to do with who we are with. It’s a barometer reading of how we are doing with ourselves and in our own spiritual development. It reminds us of how we are doing with managing our own outlook, optimism, and future. We may not have control over what he’s doing, who he’s doing, or how he’s doing, but we do have control over how we choose to see our circumstances. This is the essence of internal joy—managing your worldview from the inside instead of taking your emotional temperature based on how well he’s behaving. How I am, or how my joy is, can’t be taken by a thermometer from his mouth. It has to be taken from our internal and eternal well-being.
When you are finally able to shift your focus of where and how joy is created, it is a mind-blowing change because you no longer hold tight to the reins of external control—“I’ll be happy when someone else does _________.” You are able to refocus on finding joy in your life, just the way it is, with yourself and all your warts. In fact, over the past couple years I wrote about this regarding Viktor Frankel, a Jewish psychiatrist, who went through the Holocaust and developed what is now called Existential Psychology which is finding meaning in pain AND taking control of how you see what you have lived through.
If all pain is bad, then there is no gift in it. If there is no gift, there is no learning. If there is no learning, there is no opportunity to transform it. If you can’t transform it, you are its victim.
Joy comes from the right perspective when we tweak how we see ourselves, our lives, and the lessons of our lives. When life is a spiritual walk, not just a relationship destination, we are able to see the lessons as part of the journey and the OPTION of having joy even in the midst of an unplanned disaster like a pathological relationship. Joy is like a new eyeglass prescription—it clears up and crisps up how we see who we are on this journey and path of life even while in pain.
Your pain does not have to define you. That’s your choice. You are more than your pain. And so is your life!
This leaves a lot of our own happiness tied to someone else’s shirt-tails and when he leaves, your happiness goes right out the door with him.
Last week I related some fun stories about my mom and her concepts of happiness. What I talked about regarding my mom was her JOY which was far different than her happiness. She wasn’t always happy. My father was murdered. That certainly did not bring happiness. Her second husband stole her life savings and was a sociopath. No happiness there. Her last “main squeeze” in her life died of prostrate cancer—a lot of sadness there. Yet, my mother was unusually “joyful.”
Joy has to do with the quality of US, not them. It’s a ME factor, not a him, or them, factor. Happiness may be external but joy is internal, and, in many ways, eternal. It emanates from within us, and can exist even when the external circumstances of our lives “suck.”
Joy can be infectious and can touch others when how we are has nothing to do with who we are with. It’s a barometer reading of how we are doing with ourselves and in our own spiritual development. It reminds us of how we are doing with managing our own outlook, optimism, and future. We may not have control over what he’s doing, who he’s doing, or how he’s doing, but we do have control over how we choose to see our circumstances. This is the essence of internal joy—managing your worldview from the inside instead of taking your emotional temperature based on how well he’s behaving. How I am, or how my joy is, can’t be taken by a thermometer from his mouth. It has to be taken from our internal and eternal well-being.
When you are finally able to shift your focus of where and how joy is created, it is a mind-blowing change because you no longer hold tight to the reins of external control—“I’ll be happy when someone else does _________.” You are able to refocus on finding joy in your life, just the way it is, with yourself and all your warts. In fact, over the past couple years I wrote about this regarding Viktor Frankel, a Jewish psychiatrist, who went through the Holocaust and developed what is now called Existential Psychology which is finding meaning in pain AND taking control of how you see what you have lived through.
If all pain is bad, then there is no gift in it. If there is no gift, there is no learning. If there is no learning, there is no opportunity to transform it. If you can’t transform it, you are its victim.
Joy comes from the right perspective when we tweak how we see ourselves, our lives, and the lessons of our lives. When life is a spiritual walk, not just a relationship destination, we are able to see the lessons as part of the journey and the OPTION of having joy even in the midst of an unplanned disaster like a pathological relationship. Joy is like a new eyeglass prescription—it clears up and crisps up how we see who we are on this journey and path of life even while in pain.
Your pain does not have to define you. That’s your choice. You are more than your pain. And so is your life!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Joy vs. Happiness, Part 1
You were out looking for a little happiness when you stumbled upon Dr. Jekyll, as he was appearing wonderful and considerate. Strangely, before you knew it, evil Mr. Hyde was instead dismantling anything that resembled happiness, and leaving destruction and despair in its wake.
Despair is a long way from the happiness you were initially seeking. How did you get from mere happiness-seeking to a totally despairing life? How can you embrace the happiness that you set out to find?
It might not even be “happiness,” per se, that you were initially seeking. You might have been looking for someone who was introspective, spiritual and existential. But you tell me ...
Happiness is external. It’s based on situations, events, people, places, things, and thoughts. Happiness is connected to your hope for a relationship or your hope for a future with someone. Happiness is linked to “some day when I meet the right guy” or “when he starts changing and acting right,” or “when he goes to counseling”.
Happiness is future-oriented and it puts all its eggs in someone else’s basket. It is dependent on outside situations, people, or events to align with your expectations so that the result is your happiness. These expectations can be seen especially during the holidays when whether or not you have a Merry Christmas or a happy holiday depends on whether or not he is with you, shows up, isn’t drunk, isn’t cheating, or a list of other behaviors you expect for a happy holiday experience. Unfortunately, pathology rarely obliges in that way. So when the relationship falls through, or he isn’t wonderful at Christmas, or you kick him out, or he cheats again, or he runs off with your money, or he was a con artist ... then your holidays were not happy and your happiness was crushed.
Unhappiness is the result. It’s a typical and inevitable result in pathological love relationships. After all, it’s the only way it CAN turn out. There are no happy endings to pathological relationships. After Christmas and New Year’s, he will still be pathological and you will still have the same problems you had in November. You notice that The Institute has not written a book called, “How to Have a Happy Relationship With a Pathological”.
Chronic unhappiness leads to despair and depression. Remember the emotional rollercoaster you rode with him? You were happy when he was good and miserable when he was bad. You were hypnotically lulled into happy-land when you were with him and in intrusive thought-hell when you weren’t. Your happiness was hitched to his rear end. When he was around (and behaving) you were happy. When he wasn’t, your happiness followed his rear end right out the door and you were left obsessing, wondering, and pacing.
Happiness is what you feel when he says the “right romantic stuff”, buys you a ring or moves in. But happiness is not joy because joy is not external; it can’t be bought and it is not conditional on someone else’s behavior. In fact, joy is not contingent on anything in order to exist. You don’t have to have him for the holidays to have joy. Likewise, you don’t have to get revenge, snoop out his shortcomings, tell the new girlfriend the truth, or anything else in order to have joy. You can lose in court with him, already have lost your life savings to him, watch him out with a new woman, or live out of the back of your car and still have joy.
You’re probably thinking, “Sure you can have joy in those circumstances if you are Mother Teresa!” Joy is almost a mystery, isn’t it? It’s a spiritual quality that is internal. My mother, Joyce, had a lot of joy, and I learned from watching her joy. Her pathological man ran off with her life savings, forcing her to work well past retirement. It forced her to live simply, so she moved to a one-room beach shack and drove a motorcycle. For cheap entertainment, she walked the beach and painted nudes. She drank cheap grocery-store wine that came in a box, bought her clothes from thrift shops, and made beach totes from crocheting plastic grocery bags together. She recycled long before it was hip to do it. But what she recycled most and best was pain ... into joy.
Instead of looking externally for yet another relationship to remove the sting of the last one, or to conquer the boredom she might feel at being alone, she cultivated internal and deep abiding joy. It was both an enigma and a privilege to watch this magnificent life emerge from the ashes of great betrayal.
I use her a lot as an example of someone who went ahead and got a great life. She turned this rotten deal into an exquisite piece of art called her life. Anyone who spoke of my mother spoke MOST of her radiant joy. She had the “IT” factor long before it was even called “IT.” Women flocked to her to ask, “How did you do it? How did you shed the despair and bitterness of what he did and grow into this? THIS bright, shining, joyful person? What is your secret?”
Somewhere along that rocky path of broken relationships with pathological men, she learned that happiness is fleeting if it’s tied to a man’s shirt-tails. She watched too many of the shirt-tails walk out the door with her happiness tied to his butt. In order to find the peacefulness that resides inside, she had to learn what was happiness and what was joy.
The transitory things of life are happiness-based. She had a big house and lost a big house when she divorced my father. She had a big career and lost a big career when, according to our culture, she got “too old” to have the kind of job she had. She had diamonds and lost diamonds.
So she entered into voluntary simplicity where the fire of purging away “stuff” left a clearer picture and path to the internal life. When stuff, people, and the problems they bring fall away, there is a stillness. Only in that stillness can we ever find the joy that resides inside us, dependent on nothing external in order to exist. During this holiday season, this is a great concept to contemplate.
Joyce’s joy came from deeply held spiritual beliefs, but it also came from a place even beyond that. Joy comes when you make peace with who you are, what you are, where you are, why you are, and who you are not with. When you need nothing more than your truth and the love of a good God to bring peace, you have settled into the abiding joy that is not rocked by relationships. It’s not rocked by anything.
It wasn’t rocked for Joyce as she lay dying some years ago in the most peaceful arms of grace—a blissful state of quiet surrender and anticipation. Those who were witness to her death still tell me that her death brought new understanding to them about the issue of real joy. Joy in all things ... the death of a dream, the death of relationship, or the death of a body. Joy from within, stripped down, naked and beautiful.
Follow Joyce’s lead - untie your happiness from the ends of his shirt-tails ...
Merry Christmas and peace to you in this season of peaceful opportunities!
Despair is a long way from the happiness you were initially seeking. How did you get from mere happiness-seeking to a totally despairing life? How can you embrace the happiness that you set out to find?
It might not even be “happiness,” per se, that you were initially seeking. You might have been looking for someone who was introspective, spiritual and existential. But you tell me ...
Happiness is external. It’s based on situations, events, people, places, things, and thoughts. Happiness is connected to your hope for a relationship or your hope for a future with someone. Happiness is linked to “some day when I meet the right guy” or “when he starts changing and acting right,” or “when he goes to counseling”.
Happiness is future-oriented and it puts all its eggs in someone else’s basket. It is dependent on outside situations, people, or events to align with your expectations so that the result is your happiness. These expectations can be seen especially during the holidays when whether or not you have a Merry Christmas or a happy holiday depends on whether or not he is with you, shows up, isn’t drunk, isn’t cheating, or a list of other behaviors you expect for a happy holiday experience. Unfortunately, pathology rarely obliges in that way. So when the relationship falls through, or he isn’t wonderful at Christmas, or you kick him out, or he cheats again, or he runs off with your money, or he was a con artist ... then your holidays were not happy and your happiness was crushed.
Unhappiness is the result. It’s a typical and inevitable result in pathological love relationships. After all, it’s the only way it CAN turn out. There are no happy endings to pathological relationships. After Christmas and New Year’s, he will still be pathological and you will still have the same problems you had in November. You notice that The Institute has not written a book called, “How to Have a Happy Relationship With a Pathological”.
Chronic unhappiness leads to despair and depression. Remember the emotional rollercoaster you rode with him? You were happy when he was good and miserable when he was bad. You were hypnotically lulled into happy-land when you were with him and in intrusive thought-hell when you weren’t. Your happiness was hitched to his rear end. When he was around (and behaving) you were happy. When he wasn’t, your happiness followed his rear end right out the door and you were left obsessing, wondering, and pacing.
Happiness is what you feel when he says the “right romantic stuff”, buys you a ring or moves in. But happiness is not joy because joy is not external; it can’t be bought and it is not conditional on someone else’s behavior. In fact, joy is not contingent on anything in order to exist. You don’t have to have him for the holidays to have joy. Likewise, you don’t have to get revenge, snoop out his shortcomings, tell the new girlfriend the truth, or anything else in order to have joy. You can lose in court with him, already have lost your life savings to him, watch him out with a new woman, or live out of the back of your car and still have joy.
You’re probably thinking, “Sure you can have joy in those circumstances if you are Mother Teresa!” Joy is almost a mystery, isn’t it? It’s a spiritual quality that is internal. My mother, Joyce, had a lot of joy, and I learned from watching her joy. Her pathological man ran off with her life savings, forcing her to work well past retirement. It forced her to live simply, so she moved to a one-room beach shack and drove a motorcycle. For cheap entertainment, she walked the beach and painted nudes. She drank cheap grocery-store wine that came in a box, bought her clothes from thrift shops, and made beach totes from crocheting plastic grocery bags together. She recycled long before it was hip to do it. But what she recycled most and best was pain ... into joy.
Instead of looking externally for yet another relationship to remove the sting of the last one, or to conquer the boredom she might feel at being alone, she cultivated internal and deep abiding joy. It was both an enigma and a privilege to watch this magnificent life emerge from the ashes of great betrayal.
I use her a lot as an example of someone who went ahead and got a great life. She turned this rotten deal into an exquisite piece of art called her life. Anyone who spoke of my mother spoke MOST of her radiant joy. She had the “IT” factor long before it was even called “IT.” Women flocked to her to ask, “How did you do it? How did you shed the despair and bitterness of what he did and grow into this? THIS bright, shining, joyful person? What is your secret?”
Somewhere along that rocky path of broken relationships with pathological men, she learned that happiness is fleeting if it’s tied to a man’s shirt-tails. She watched too many of the shirt-tails walk out the door with her happiness tied to his butt. In order to find the peacefulness that resides inside, she had to learn what was happiness and what was joy.
The transitory things of life are happiness-based. She had a big house and lost a big house when she divorced my father. She had a big career and lost a big career when, according to our culture, she got “too old” to have the kind of job she had. She had diamonds and lost diamonds.
So she entered into voluntary simplicity where the fire of purging away “stuff” left a clearer picture and path to the internal life. When stuff, people, and the problems they bring fall away, there is a stillness. Only in that stillness can we ever find the joy that resides inside us, dependent on nothing external in order to exist. During this holiday season, this is a great concept to contemplate.
Joyce’s joy came from deeply held spiritual beliefs, but it also came from a place even beyond that. Joy comes when you make peace with who you are, what you are, where you are, why you are, and who you are not with. When you need nothing more than your truth and the love of a good God to bring peace, you have settled into the abiding joy that is not rocked by relationships. It’s not rocked by anything.
It wasn’t rocked for Joyce as she lay dying some years ago in the most peaceful arms of grace—a blissful state of quiet surrender and anticipation. Those who were witness to her death still tell me that her death brought new understanding to them about the issue of real joy. Joy in all things ... the death of a dream, the death of relationship, or the death of a body. Joy from within, stripped down, naked and beautiful.
Follow Joyce’s lead - untie your happiness from the ends of his shirt-tails ...
Merry Christmas and peace to you in this season of peaceful opportunities!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
How to Avoid Going Back During the Holidays
From Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day people relapse and go back into relationships more than any other time of the year. Why? So many great holidays for faking it! Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day... then PHOOEY! You’re out! Why not be out now, stay out and save face? You’re not fooling anyone ... not yourself, them, or your family and friends.
Here’s a secret: Even if you go back, you’re still alone. You’ve been alone the entire time because, by nature of their disorder, they can’t be there for you. So you’re alone—now, during the holidays, or with them. With them, you have more drama, damage and danger—your choice.
The holiday season is an extremely stressful time. It’s a time when it is more likely for:
● Domestic violence to occur or recur
● Dysfunctional families to be even MORE dysfunctional
● Pathologicals to be overt, blatant, and to target your joy and ruin your holidays
● Former pathological partners to magically reappear and try to hook you back in
● People to eat, drink, and spend too much
● People to not get enough rest
● People to feel pressured to “be in a relationship” and accept dates or stay with dangerous persons “just until the holidays are over”
It’s an idealistic time when people have more depression and anxiety than at any other time of the year because they think their lives should be like the picture postcards and old movies we see this time of year. Depression creeps in, anxiety increases, and to cope, they eat/drink/spend/date in ways they normally would not. But you can’t make a “picture postcard memory” with a psychopath!
Those with the super trait of “sentimentality” will focus on the past when they had that one perfect Christmas with the pathological. The other drunken, absent, or abusive 14 Christmases are forgotten, forgiven or overlooked. But what IS focused on is that one year when it was nice and the pit-bull stronghold on the hope it will be this way again.
But we know that pathology is permanent. The bad 14 years are a much better and more realistic presentation of what pathology is like during the holidays than the one fluke of a year he held it together. Pathology is very stressful to experience under any circumstances. Add to it the expectations for a pathological to be different (i.e., act appropriately) this time of year, and the pathological’s and everyone else’s stress is then through the roof. Sometimes even our hope can be “pathological” when it is focused on something that cannot and will not change.
The glittering fantasy that resembles your Christmas tree lights places not only you in the path of misery, but all those you plan to spend Christmas with—your family, friends, kids and pets. It is much kinder to unplug your glittering fantasy and tell yourself the truth of what will happen if you expect a serene and joyful time with a pathological than it is to drag others through your fantasy.
Here’s a mantra to say out loud to yourself: “I’m pretending that staying/going back with a psychopath will make my holidays better.” Pretty ridiculous thought, isn’t it? Something happens when you say the REAL thing out loud. It takes all the romanticizing and fantasy out of the thought and smacks a little reality in your face.
“I want to be with a psychopath for the holiday.” Say that three times to yourself out loud ... NO!! That’s not what you want. That’s what you got LAST YEAR. You want to be with a nice man/woman/person for the holidays. And, as you VERY well know, they’re not it.
“I want to share my special holidays with my special psychopath.” ??? Nope. That’s not it either. But that’s what’s going to happen unless you buck up and start telling yourself the truth. It’s OKAY to be by yourself for the holidays. It sure beats pathology as a gift.
Peace, gratitude, and all the spiritual reflections that are supposed to happen during this time of year cannot be found in pathology. They were not created there but they do end there. If your goal for the holidays is to find some peace, joy, hope and love, don’t spend it where and with whom it cannot be found. After the holidays, you will be a lot happier for not having attempted, for the millionth time, to find happiness where it does not exist.
Here’s a real gift for you—some tips!
TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEALTHIER HOLIDAY
❖ Stop idealizing—you are who you are, it is what it is, pathology is pathology. If your family isn’t perfect, they certainly WON’T be during the season. Accept yourself and others for who they are. This includes accepting that pathology cannot and will not be different during the holidays simply because you want the Christmas fantasy. “Emotional suffering is created in the moment when we don’t accept what ‘is.’” (~Eckart Tolle)
❖ Don’t feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to. Remind yourself you have choices and that the word “No” is a complete sentence. Don’t be held hostage to exhausting holiday schedules.
❖ Take quiet time during the season or you’ll get run over by the sheer speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy your own present now—some bubble bath—and spend quality time with some bubbles by yourself. Light a candle, find five things to be grateful for, repeat often.
❖ Take same-sex friends to parties and don’t feel OBLIGATED to go with someone you don’t want to go with. People end up in the worst binds going to parties with others, and get stuck in relationships they don’t want to be in, because they feel obligated. Find a few other friends who are willing to be “party partners” during the holidays.
❖ Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the homeless, buy toys for kids.
❖ Find time for spiritual reflection. It’s the only way to really feel the season and reconnect. Go to a church service, pray, meditate, reflect.
❖ Plant joy—in yourself, in your life and in others. What you invest in your own recovery is also reaped in the lives of those closest to you.
❖ Pick ONE growth-oriented issue you’d like to focus on next year for your own growth on January 1. It creates hope when you know you have a plan to move forward and out of your current emotional condition. Invest in your opportunity to grow past the aftermath of this pathological love relationship.
Happy Holidays from The Institute!
Here’s a secret: Even if you go back, you’re still alone. You’ve been alone the entire time because, by nature of their disorder, they can’t be there for you. So you’re alone—now, during the holidays, or with them. With them, you have more drama, damage and danger—your choice.
The holiday season is an extremely stressful time. It’s a time when it is more likely for:
● Domestic violence to occur or recur
● Dysfunctional families to be even MORE dysfunctional
● Pathologicals to be overt, blatant, and to target your joy and ruin your holidays
● Former pathological partners to magically reappear and try to hook you back in
● People to eat, drink, and spend too much
● People to not get enough rest
● People to feel pressured to “be in a relationship” and accept dates or stay with dangerous persons “just until the holidays are over”
It’s an idealistic time when people have more depression and anxiety than at any other time of the year because they think their lives should be like the picture postcards and old movies we see this time of year. Depression creeps in, anxiety increases, and to cope, they eat/drink/spend/date in ways they normally would not. But you can’t make a “picture postcard memory” with a psychopath!
Those with the super trait of “sentimentality” will focus on the past when they had that one perfect Christmas with the pathological. The other drunken, absent, or abusive 14 Christmases are forgotten, forgiven or overlooked. But what IS focused on is that one year when it was nice and the pit-bull stronghold on the hope it will be this way again.
But we know that pathology is permanent. The bad 14 years are a much better and more realistic presentation of what pathology is like during the holidays than the one fluke of a year he held it together. Pathology is very stressful to experience under any circumstances. Add to it the expectations for a pathological to be different (i.e., act appropriately) this time of year, and the pathological’s and everyone else’s stress is then through the roof. Sometimes even our hope can be “pathological” when it is focused on something that cannot and will not change.
The glittering fantasy that resembles your Christmas tree lights places not only you in the path of misery, but all those you plan to spend Christmas with—your family, friends, kids and pets. It is much kinder to unplug your glittering fantasy and tell yourself the truth of what will happen if you expect a serene and joyful time with a pathological than it is to drag others through your fantasy.
Here’s a mantra to say out loud to yourself: “I’m pretending that staying/going back with a psychopath will make my holidays better.” Pretty ridiculous thought, isn’t it? Something happens when you say the REAL thing out loud. It takes all the romanticizing and fantasy out of the thought and smacks a little reality in your face.
“I want to be with a psychopath for the holiday.” Say that three times to yourself out loud ... NO!! That’s not what you want. That’s what you got LAST YEAR. You want to be with a nice man/woman/person for the holidays. And, as you VERY well know, they’re not it.
“I want to share my special holidays with my special psychopath.” ??? Nope. That’s not it either. But that’s what’s going to happen unless you buck up and start telling yourself the truth. It’s OKAY to be by yourself for the holidays. It sure beats pathology as a gift.
Peace, gratitude, and all the spiritual reflections that are supposed to happen during this time of year cannot be found in pathology. They were not created there but they do end there. If your goal for the holidays is to find some peace, joy, hope and love, don’t spend it where and with whom it cannot be found. After the holidays, you will be a lot happier for not having attempted, for the millionth time, to find happiness where it does not exist.
Here’s a real gift for you—some tips!
TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEALTHIER HOLIDAY
❖ Stop idealizing—you are who you are, it is what it is, pathology is pathology. If your family isn’t perfect, they certainly WON’T be during the season. Accept yourself and others for who they are. This includes accepting that pathology cannot and will not be different during the holidays simply because you want the Christmas fantasy. “Emotional suffering is created in the moment when we don’t accept what ‘is.’” (~Eckart Tolle)
❖ Don’t feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to. Remind yourself you have choices and that the word “No” is a complete sentence. Don’t be held hostage to exhausting holiday schedules.
❖ Take quiet time during the season or you’ll get run over by the sheer speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy your own present now—some bubble bath—and spend quality time with some bubbles by yourself. Light a candle, find five things to be grateful for, repeat often.
❖ Take same-sex friends to parties and don’t feel OBLIGATED to go with someone you don’t want to go with. People end up in the worst binds going to parties with others, and get stuck in relationships they don’t want to be in, because they feel obligated. Find a few other friends who are willing to be “party partners” during the holidays.
❖ Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the homeless, buy toys for kids.
❖ Find time for spiritual reflection. It’s the only way to really feel the season and reconnect. Go to a church service, pray, meditate, reflect.
❖ Plant joy—in yourself, in your life and in others. What you invest in your own recovery is also reaped in the lives of those closest to you.
❖ Pick ONE growth-oriented issue you’d like to focus on next year for your own growth on January 1. It creates hope when you know you have a plan to move forward and out of your current emotional condition. Invest in your opportunity to grow past the aftermath of this pathological love relationship.
Happy Holidays from The Institute!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Health and Wholeness for the Holiday Season
The holidays can be a very stressful time for most people. The frenzy that accompanies this time wears not only on the body, but can profoundly affect the mind and emotions. This is especially true when dealing with pathological relationships. Whether you are currently dealing with pathological individuals within the family, are in a marital or love relationship with a pathological person, or are recovering from a pathological relationship, the element of psychopathic dysfunction adds another dimension to ordinary holiday stress.
Those who were raised in families with psychopathic dynamics may carry a vague uneasiness around the holidays. It may be hard to pinpoint why there is a sense of dread around this time, until one becomes consciously aware of how past dysfunction has colored the present. Being able to let go and enjoy the holidays can be difficult. Be aware of your feelings and the circumstances that surround them. Sometimes just being aware helps to alleviate negative emotions. Be gentle with yourself, as you need to reprogram how to accept the joy the season can bring, and then have the ability to enjoy this goodness.
Those who are currently married or involved with a pathological person know the anxiety and distress the holidays can bring. The hoopla of the season brings with it an exaggerated variety of lies, manipulations, selfish behaviors, and drama. During this time, many behaviors exacerbate for various and obvious reasons. With each year that passes, many hold on to the hope that something will change for the better. This will never happen as the psychopath cannot sustain positive change, nor do they care to change unless change would work in their favor.
For those who are recovering from a pathological relationship, the holidays can be a mixed bag of emotions. A sense of relief may be felt by being unencumbered by the psychopath’s burdensome behaviors. The holidays could be experienced as a time of joy, instead of a time to dread.
On the other hand, the holidays are an opportune time for psychopaths to make their way back into relationships. Most people feel somewhat tender and nostalgic during the holiday season. Emotions that are running high, coupled with music, alcohol, and the overall romance of the season, are the perfect set-up for psychopathic manipulation back into the relationship.
During the holiday season, it is extremely important to keep a sense of balance and peace within oneself. This is especially true if you are under the stressful circumstances of pathology. Keeping this time as stress-free as possible will help to keep you grounded, balanced, and healthy in body, mind and spirit.
● Maintain healthy eating habits. It is very easy to overindulge with food during the holidays. Keep a regular meal schedule, preferably four to six small meals per day, to keep your body fueled. Be sure to incorporate some form of protein in your meals. This will help to keep blood sugar levels in check. Also, try to limit the amount of sugar you consume. Too much sugar will make the body and mind feel sluggish. Keeping balance in your daily diet ensures good nutrition for the body, and no unwanted weight gain.
● Do not go off prescribed medication at this (or any) time unless directed by your physician. Also, do not self-medicate.
● Keep away from alcohol as much as possible. If you must indulge, drink responsibly. The consequences of excessive drinking can be disastrous.
● Exercise.* Walking, jogging, yoga, weight training—whatever is in your normal routine, keep exercising during the busy holiday season. Exercise makes us feel good, and it’s good for us.
● Walk away from dysfunctional behavior as much as possible. Don’t waste your breath trying to reason with the unreasonable.
● Do not overextend or overspend on the pathological person if they are, unfortunately, in your life. They don’t appreciate or deserve your time, money, or efforts.
● Avoid holiday music if it makes you nostalgic for the “good times” with the pathological. Reminiscing and ruminating about this relationship is a waste of time during the holidays, and at any other time.
● Avoid hooking up with the pathological or with anyone during the holiday season. This is a vulnerable time and could lead to more poor choices.
● Talk with a qualified counselor, spiritual advisor, or trusted friend if you find yourself overwhelmed during this time.
● Spend quality time with those family members and friends who enhance your life. Visiting and entertaining can add much joy to your life if done with the right people.
● Keep the holiday season a sacred time. Whether you follow a specific religion or not, take some quiet time each day for prayer, meditation, or positive reflection to keep your mind and emotions in check.
● Maintain a grateful attitude no matter what the circumstances, and be good to yourself. Remember, you made it through another year, life is precious, and so are you.
~ Peace and joy to you this holiday season. ~
*Before starting any health program, please consult your physician, or a certified or licensed professional in a particular discipline. This is especially important if you are pregnant or have health issues.
Those who were raised in families with psychopathic dynamics may carry a vague uneasiness around the holidays. It may be hard to pinpoint why there is a sense of dread around this time, until one becomes consciously aware of how past dysfunction has colored the present. Being able to let go and enjoy the holidays can be difficult. Be aware of your feelings and the circumstances that surround them. Sometimes just being aware helps to alleviate negative emotions. Be gentle with yourself, as you need to reprogram how to accept the joy the season can bring, and then have the ability to enjoy this goodness.
Those who are currently married or involved with a pathological person know the anxiety and distress the holidays can bring. The hoopla of the season brings with it an exaggerated variety of lies, manipulations, selfish behaviors, and drama. During this time, many behaviors exacerbate for various and obvious reasons. With each year that passes, many hold on to the hope that something will change for the better. This will never happen as the psychopath cannot sustain positive change, nor do they care to change unless change would work in their favor.
For those who are recovering from a pathological relationship, the holidays can be a mixed bag of emotions. A sense of relief may be felt by being unencumbered by the psychopath’s burdensome behaviors. The holidays could be experienced as a time of joy, instead of a time to dread.
On the other hand, the holidays are an opportune time for psychopaths to make their way back into relationships. Most people feel somewhat tender and nostalgic during the holiday season. Emotions that are running high, coupled with music, alcohol, and the overall romance of the season, are the perfect set-up for psychopathic manipulation back into the relationship.
During the holiday season, it is extremely important to keep a sense of balance and peace within oneself. This is especially true if you are under the stressful circumstances of pathology. Keeping this time as stress-free as possible will help to keep you grounded, balanced, and healthy in body, mind and spirit.
● Maintain healthy eating habits. It is very easy to overindulge with food during the holidays. Keep a regular meal schedule, preferably four to six small meals per day, to keep your body fueled. Be sure to incorporate some form of protein in your meals. This will help to keep blood sugar levels in check. Also, try to limit the amount of sugar you consume. Too much sugar will make the body and mind feel sluggish. Keeping balance in your daily diet ensures good nutrition for the body, and no unwanted weight gain.
● Do not go off prescribed medication at this (or any) time unless directed by your physician. Also, do not self-medicate.
● Keep away from alcohol as much as possible. If you must indulge, drink responsibly. The consequences of excessive drinking can be disastrous.
● Exercise.* Walking, jogging, yoga, weight training—whatever is in your normal routine, keep exercising during the busy holiday season. Exercise makes us feel good, and it’s good for us.
● Walk away from dysfunctional behavior as much as possible. Don’t waste your breath trying to reason with the unreasonable.
● Do not overextend or overspend on the pathological person if they are, unfortunately, in your life. They don’t appreciate or deserve your time, money, or efforts.
● Avoid holiday music if it makes you nostalgic for the “good times” with the pathological. Reminiscing and ruminating about this relationship is a waste of time during the holidays, and at any other time.
● Avoid hooking up with the pathological or with anyone during the holiday season. This is a vulnerable time and could lead to more poor choices.
● Talk with a qualified counselor, spiritual advisor, or trusted friend if you find yourself overwhelmed during this time.
● Spend quality time with those family members and friends who enhance your life. Visiting and entertaining can add much joy to your life if done with the right people.
● Keep the holiday season a sacred time. Whether you follow a specific religion or not, take some quiet time each day for prayer, meditation, or positive reflection to keep your mind and emotions in check.
● Maintain a grateful attitude no matter what the circumstances, and be good to yourself. Remember, you made it through another year, life is precious, and so are you.
~ Peace and joy to you this holiday season. ~
*Before starting any health program, please consult your physician, or a certified or licensed professional in a particular discipline. This is especially important if you are pregnant or have health issues.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Testing the Edge
Women
who end up in dangerous and pathological relationships often end up there
because they like (or find interesting) “living on the edge.” They don’t like
their boring lives, and that extends to liking men who are edgy as well. No boring normal geek men—Nope! The more the edge/bad
boy/outlaw/rebel (or the more you perceive they need some support to keep an
honest life afloat) the more you like them.
This
“edge-walking” landed you right in the lap of a dangerous and pathological man.
In the beginning, edgy seems neutral—it’s too early to know that his edginess
is going to cost you. All you know is he’s a long way from boring and that’s okay
with you. It is long time before you know that his “edge”:
·
Is
emotionally addicting for you
·
Is
narcissism (or worse!)
·
Is
about rejecting authority
·
Is
all about him
·
Isn’t
the cool “James Dean” type of edge
·
Isn’t
artsy, educational, intellectual, musical, poetic or religious
·
Isn’t
about riding fast in his convertible, or having daring sex or making risky
financial investments
·
Isn’t
about you or your own enjoyment of everything edgy
·
Isn’t
about his party lifestyle or his commanding presence when others are around
·
Isn’t
about sad stories he told about his life to use as emotional bonding with you
And
it’s a long time before you realize his “edge”:
·
Consumes
your self-esteem for lunch
·
Doesn’t
make YOU cool for being with him
·
Doesn’t
mean you are an “in” girl to love someone like him
·
Didn’t
mean you were supposed to “tame” a bad boy or “heal” a wounded one
·
Can’t
be fixed, counseled, medicated, or churched
·
Can’t
be loved into something less savage and more soothing
·
Was
really just a trail of wounded women behind him
·
Was
unrelenting lying, broken promises, and changes he could never make, no matter
how long he promised or how hard he tried
·
Was
not really brilliance unrecognized, charm unspoiled, or love unrequited
·
Was
one thing ... and one thing only …
His
edge was pathology.
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